I Need You

Chapter 1

No matter where I go, hurt seems to find me. It's inevitable. It's like an incurable disease that spreads to every part of my body. It's the type of heartache that leaves me bound to my bed every day. People just left me so bitter and hurt all the time. I couldn't stand the fear of rejection. And all of my efforts seemed pointless. But then she opened my eyes. My view expanded, and my world became more colorful. She gave me a reason to want to push the boundaries of love. And I am willing to hold on to her so tightly. But she doesn't feel the same. She will never feel the same way I feel about her. But for her, I'm willing to wander blindly in the dark with only hopes of the faintest glimmer of light. I will stop at nothing until she is mine. 

I watched the town I once knew smear past me as I looked out the passenger side window. I saw all the cookie cutter houses, all in perfect alignment, vanish out of my view. And I was completely immersed in the music playing through my earbuds. I never thought I would ever make it to see my first year of college. It all seems unreal. But I know that as soon as my mother and I arrive at the campus, we're both going to break down in tears. But that wouldn't happen for another hour or so. Every once in a while, my mom would try to make small conversation. But we didn't talk much because I knew she was going to cry. But then she said. 

"I never asked you this question, and it has been weighing on my mind. I didn't want to ask you this and it would have influenced your decision on where you go to college. But why did you choose to go to New York? Why didn't you want to stay home?" 

I took in everything she said. And that question is valid. But to be truthful, the house I lived in was not my home. It felt so empty. My mother was never there in high school, so I learned quickly how to do things for myself. My father was never there. Never even seen the man, and supposedly I have a brother. At least that's what mom tells me. But I can't be mad at her because she tries her best to provide for me. I just don't want to be confined to that house. I just wanted to leave. I wanted to tell her this, but I could tell by the expression on her face that she was really asking, "Why are you leaving me?" 

"I just want to know that there is more out there then just our little slice of the world. I want to experience the world for myself , you know? I don't want to take comfort in the fact that I can always come home at any time. If I get too comfortable, then I won't grow. I love you mom, but I have to do this on my own. Just trust me." 

She took my hand in hers. She gripped it really tight as if i was going to disappear at any moment. But the truth was that I am going to disappear. And I'm not sorry about it either. 

"You're going to make me proud. And I do trust you. I'm just trying to cope with the fact that my baby is now a grown woman. There was a time, Olivia, when I used to hold you in the palm of my hand. You were that small, and so fragile. I just wanted to protect you from the world. And now it feels like I'm just trowing you in it without a parachute." She started to get choked up. And then the water works came. I hate to see my mother cry. It's like my one weak spot. Those tears are enough to make me want to consider staying. But this time I feel nothing towards those tears.  

"You have to trust that I know what I'm doing. I love you, but I'm moving far away because I want to move away from the sameness of this town. I need to see something other than perfect houses aligned in straight rows. I want more than this for my life." I said and immediately regretted it. The expression on her face was hard to read. It was like she was expecting me to say that all along, but at the same time she was caught off guard by the timing. 

"So you finally got it said," my mother started. "I understand." And then the car was completely engulfed in inescapable tension. I put my earbuds back in, and the silence was drowned out by music. And as i looked out the window at this little perfect town smear past me, I become more unattached. I was about to start over in a new place, and it was all too exciting to pass up. 

When we pulled up to the campus of NYU, eagerness filled my eyes. I immediately went to the trunk of the car and got my suitcases, and my mother grabbed my boxes. Then we made our way to the dormitories. When I walked to the main entrance, I felt so out of place. Like I was a small fish in a gigantic pond. But as I looked around more, I could see myself spending the next four years here. The hallways that lead to my dorm room were so small and narrow. I saw fellow freshmen, like me, getting emotional with their parents. Saying that they will miss them, and embracing them. 

We finally arrived at room B209. I opened the door to see an empty room that resembled the color of beige. It was plain and simple with one window, two beds, and one book shelf. My mother put all of my things down on the bed on the right side of the room. Then she turned to look at me. But it was a strange expression that plastered her face. She crossed to the other side of the room, and made her way to the door. Tears were welling in her eyes. But she refused to let a single tear drop. 

"I know that you don't want this to be a sentimental good-bye. Good-byes are so permanent, like I'm never going to see you again. So I'll just say see you later, and I'll be on my way." My mother says through her taut throat. 

"See you later mom." I say trying to be strong. Trying to keep my composure. Trying to not cry. This is what you wanted. This is what you have asked for. Why are you feeling so emotional? why is it so hard to let go? 

"See you." My mother replies and closes the door. Then she is gone. 

I break down on the floor, and allow my tears to fall freely to the ground. I can't believe that I thought that I could do this on my own for a second. This is the loneliest I've felt. Everything in me fights the urge to just call my mom and tell her that I've changed my mind. But I just have to deal with this feeling on my own. 

I cry for what seems to go on forever until I feel someone tap my shoulder. I didn't even hear anyone come in. Was I crying that loud. Did she hear me? Wow, great way to make a good first impression. I prayed that I had the ability to disappear, or that she could. Either way the situation was bad for me, and I would love nothing more than to escape. But reluctantly I looked up at her through blurry vision. And she extended her hand for me to get up. I looked at her for a second before she said. "My name is Cyra, I'm your roommate."