I Need You

Chapter 4

After Mimi's, I went back to my dorm. I figured maybe I would go out again later tonight. But for now I kind of just wanted to get antiquated with my room a little bit. I'm the type of person who really isn't that social. So I could literally stay in this dorm for the my next four years here and not have a problem with it whatsoever. But I also don't want to have lived here and not know anyone else but Cyra. Even though I would like to get know her a little better. When I got to the room Cyra wasn't there. I was kinda hoping that she was, but I thought more time to myself. So in the meantime I unpacked more boxes and watched Netflix. Our room was one of the few on campus with a TV. Honestly I would have been just fine with my old radio from my room at home. But my mother insisted on buying me a new TV. She said that I should consider it a graduation gift. But she busted her ass for two months after she had given it to me in order to pay it off. I didn't think the TV was worth all that work she had to do for it. 

I unpacked clothes and shoes along with old Polaroid pictures that I took in high school. I didn't have many friends, just three close ones. Octavia, Dasha, and Maya had my back, and I had theirs. I picked up this one picture of us on my 16th birthday. They treated me to pizza and movies at my house. I miss simplistic summer nights like that one. Then I stumbled across a picture of me at my junior prom with my ex girlfriend. We both looked stunning in that photo, but my night could not have began any worse.  

I had been seeing my ex Dani on the low for a year. I could honestly say that I was in love with her. We'd been together all of sophomore year and when she asked me to go to prom with her, my heart stopped. I knew that I wanted to go with her, but how could I tell my mother? She is a woman stuck in her ways, and I knew that she would not approve of me loving a girl. I told my mom that I was in love with a girl two months before the prom. My glittering yellow dress was already bought and custom tailored for me. When I told her, she was quiet for a minute. Then she told me, in the calmest voice that she could muster, that I was not going to the prom. And I told her. "I'm sorry that I didn't tell you earlier." 

And then she said. "It wouldn't have mattered when you told me. My decision would not be any different. You're not going to the prom with a female as your date." 

I wasn't willing to accept that so I then said. "I'm going and I don't care what you think!" 

"Okay, fine. Then you're not going to have a dress to go to the prom in!" She yells and grabs scissors and starts to cut my dress. I push and try to pry her off of it, but by the time she gets finished with it, the dress is a mangled mess of yellow tulle and scattered sequin. I was so distraught I broke down crying on the floor. I felt so defeated, but hot vengeance was running rampantly through my mind. I still had two months to gather enough money to buy a new dress. I told my friends, and they agreed to help me rake up enough money to get a new one. In those moments they had my back and so did my ex. She did everything in her power to help me save up more money. And on the night of the prom, I wore a baby pink satin trumpet dress. I even had enough money left to get my hair done, and Octavia and Dasha even came over to do my makeup. As we were dancing to music and getting ready, I felt more normal than I had felt in a while. I looked in the mirror and felt beautiful. 

Then my mom came in the room, and my friends left. They had dates of their own to tend to and they said. "See you at the dance." They hugged me, and then left. 

"You look beautiful." She said and started to cry. 

"Don't start this mom, please not tonight." I said with a stone expression. But on the inside I was caving.  

"You look so beautiful, and I hate to see you waste that for another woman. What did a man do to not to deserve your beauty? What did they do to make you not want them?" She asks this like it was a genuine question. I looked at her with disbelief.

"Mamma," I start and my voice begins to crack. A tear trickles down my cheek. "she loves me. And I love her. I love talking to her, and hearing her voice. I love how when she smiles dimples form at the corners of her cheeks. I love her kisses. I love her body. I love her! And if a man were to love me, I could not be able to reciprocate those feelings mamma." 

Now she's crying harder than ever. And as she walks out of my room, she says. "If you walk out of this house, don't bother to come back."   

I stare at her and say. "Then I guess this is goodbye then."