Drowning

f o u r

[ Trigger warning, there is a continuous of a anxiety attack ]

I could see Jac and Zosia moving towards me. They seemed to be running, or maybe they were walking. I couldn't tell.

All I know is my heart is hurting me like mad. It feels like it's coming out my chest. My chest is clammy and I am in pain.

"Ollie, talk to me." I could hear Jac saying my name, but what do I do? I can't move my lips and say I am fine.

I'm having a anxiety attack.

I can't stop worrying, I killed a patient and this is my fault. I want to stop but I can't.

I could hear them both whispering and then they grabbed me by the arm and started to drag me up off the floor.

I didn't move my leg, they just dragged them across the floor. It not that I wanted them to drag them but I physically couldn't move.

They moved me into Jac's office. A closed space away from all the patients beady eyes staring.

I have been like this for 20 minutes; whilst they both try to calm me down.

It worked, they calmed me down. Well, Zosia made me stop. Her beautiful smile and the way she talked to me.

I stopped shaking, my skin returned back to its normal colour, and tears stopped falling from my eyes.

I could see Jac twigging onto something as she was fiddling with her ginger hair and kept on staring and observing every move I made.

Maybe I should just tell them both about my mental health. Maybe they would both understand.

I looked at them both, and I opened my mouth.

"I have-e something to tell-l you both"

The pair of them looked straight at me. This is the first time I have talked within an hour of the patients death.

The patient I killed.

I spoke again, "you might-t never understand what-t I do to get up everyday-y, but you need-d to know..."

I paused. I didn't know what to say next. I've never told anyone about my mental health, and now it will probably circulate round the whole hospital.

But I continued anyway, "I-I have depress...."

Jac interrupted me, "I know, we both know. Your psychiatrist told us when you were diagnosed after Tara's death."

I was shocked. All this time they knew but never said anything. I didn't know whether to feel shocked or to feel happy. But Zosia knew. So maybe she doesn't think I am a weirdo.

"You can both go now... and Ollie, try not to have another episode or I will have to call psych."

Me and Zosia exited her office. I just wanted to get back to work and save other people's lives, even if I can't save everyone's.

I started to walk towards the ward, but Zosia put her hand on my shoulder and pulled me back. I turned around.

"Ollie, I am here for you, and I will always will be. So if you ever need to talk to someone, you have me. I might not be the same as anyone else, but I hope I am enough."

She smiled whilst saying it and it gave me butterflies inside. Her smile is beautiful, I love it. I knew I needed to reply or she'll think I am ignorant.

"Thank you." I didn't stutter, oh my god. I didn't stutter. I think this has made my day.

Zosia just looked at me again and smiled before walking off into the ward. I just knew this would be the start of something great.