[Viktuuri] Tchaikovsky's Lament

Chapter 2

I am so screwed.

It's an understatement.

I lost count how many turns, piroutte, and jumps i did in 6 hours. I even fell on petit  allegro, especially at a very too- pathetic-to-named-as soubresaut at the end.

Minako-sensei made me redo any variations in a week. I have to retape my feet for any blisters because of the pointè shoe.

Yes, pointè shoe, allright.

I don't know if I have to thank Minako-sensei or not to pose me as a girl to all Russia ballet company members.

I hyperlanted at start. I know that it won't work and anyone will know, it won't ended up well.

My anxiety went up and down when Mariinsky were notified of the change and will tight-liped about my said gender, I mean, they will use me as their stand-in anyway, so they couldn't ask too much.

As long as I am up to their standard.

At least I already adjust some change to my dance style.

Right now, I am in the studio, Minako-sensei is combing my hair. It's getting long now that I left it be. We decide to cut my bangs like usual, and adjust my hair so it looks neater. I am embrassed as much as I am, but even I can't say that I don't look nice as girl. Ouch. I pratically hear the crushed manly pride deep inside my heart.

Minako-sensei smiles at herself, proud. She always said that she wanted a daughter, but her dancing career took most of her life. She was devasted when my mom announced that I am a boy, that's why she insisted to throw me to girls group in ballet class back then.

At least she is happy now.

I wonder if that's going happen to me now too. I don't have any social life outside rink, even I couldn't call it as social circles anyway when I only have Phichit and Celestino-coach. I am hesitate to continue my ice skate, what happened in Sochi had sunk my motivation down to the ocean.

Minako-sensei stops her ministration and smile proud on the mirror. She looks younger, and that's saying sth.
" よし, it's done ! Now, Yuu-chan~ Can you twirl for me ? Yes, yes, Yuu-chan !"
I blushed,
" Minako-sensei! That's embrassing ! I won't do it!"
" What a waste *sigh* It's not cute of you, Yuu-chan,"
" I don't want to look cute at very start! もう~,"

She sighs again and stare at me, as much as reflections can do. She has this looks in her eyes that makes her looks like her actual age. I feel worry about her in sudden, wondering what's happening to her.
" Minako-sensei.. ?"
"Yuuri, ballet is a world of hardwork. Many people in company will regard you as rival at best. I don't want to imagine the worst. But let's be realistic here. You are not Russian. They let you to play as Tatiana, and in many years, the ballerinas who played the role is all Russians. You can count by your hands how much non-Russian played as Tatiana. The mimes and pas de deux is exhausting too. They may give you a hardtime, at least the less-reasonable seniors when Lilia-sempai won't be there to supervise or give pointers. No matter what you do, please be strong ..  "

I scrunch my eyebrows,
" でも, Minako-sensei, I thought you will be there with me too, won't you? "

Please. Please. Please. Please. Please.

" No, I won't go with you to Sankt-Peterburg. I'm sorry, Yuuri, but you will go alone. "

My world is crushed down. I can feel my anxiety build up already.
It's okay back then when I go alone to Detroit. At least I have sth to do and I already determinded too much to ice skate to think otherwise. I danced in most of my time, on and off the ice, so I' pretty occupied to think sth else.