Run with Me: [Deleted 2014 Version]

Chapter 8 - Decisions

Chapter 8

Carl

"We gotta get moving. Find some food. Get that girl out of here, and find someplace to settle down," Dad said. The tone of his voice made me angry. He talked about Kat like she was something else, like she didn't belong. He made her seem as if she were an outsider, someone that stuck to the shadows and needed to stay there. Back at the prison, back when things were better, he took these people in with one arm open. Once he saw they were good people, he could give out both of his arms. 

How come all of the sudden it's a burden? We all fend for ourselves out here. We all are on our own. It's just better with a group. And Kat can help us, she can give us something we may have lost back at the prison. She could give us hope, because I was certainly losing it. I was certainly doubting the things my dad had done. I was doubting his decisions, doubting the way he led our small and vulnerable and messy group. I was so upset with my dad. He thought he could just throw out Kat. He once said that this wasn't a democracy. 

What exactly was this? A group of people straining to survive by shooting and looting. And that's not how I wanted to spend the rest of my life. I wanted to settle down. I wanted to be able to sleep without one eye open. I wanted something to believe in, wanted someone to believe in me. I looked up from my thoughts, looking at Kat.

Believe in her, something told me. Don't listen to her, if she denies you. Take her in your hands and love her.

She was staring at the sky. I saw her lips move slightly. I didn't know what she was doing. I looked up at the sky myself. It only brought me pain and spite. It sat up there, blue and all, and watched as the world turned incendiary. It watched as I drove my knife through monsters, it watched as I doubted every decision I had ever made. Kat looked away and met my eyes. Her lips parted slightly. She was examining my eyes, watching them.

She sees what you see in the sky, I realized. She sees the world in your eyes. You can't give up, for her sake.

I noticed my dad was still talking. He kept saying "girl." It made me want to hit him across the face.

"That girl has a name, Dad," I spoke up. He turned his head as we walked up the road. His eyes were set on me, burning through me. I shared my dad's eyes. It didn't mean they had to say the same things, it didn't mean I had to be the same person as he was. 

I knew I wasn't like my dad. I threw angry tantrums at the wrong times, I loved when I shouldn't, I made horrible mistakes. But I admitted it, I owned up to it. My dad always had to be right, my dad always had to say the last thing, my dad always had to be better than me. He had to be the role model. 

Not anymore, I told myself. You are Carl. Show them who that is.

"Don't get smart with me," my dad muttered, pulling me away from my grim thoughts.

"I won't if you give her some respect," I replied coolly, referring to Kat.

"Excuse me, Carl?"

"You heard me."

He turned and stood in front of me. He stared down at me, tilting his head. I knew he was trying to figure out why I was acting like this. There was a reason, there is always a reason with me. I was angry because the one thing that could keep me going is the one thing Dad wants gone. I was upset because I could make my own decisions, and he was still treating me like a kid. I was upset because I had a voice, and he didn't want to listen to it. I looked up at him, narrowing my eyes. I was going to stand up for myself, and I was going to stand up for Kat. I needed her there. Something in my heart was tugging her close to my heart. I couldn't stop it. 

"Uh, Rick, let's keep going," Maggie said, tugging on his arm. He turned back around and kept walking, ignoring me. I trailed behind and walked beside Kat.

"I'm sorry about my dad," I said softly.

"It's okay. I'm gonna leave."

I looked up. I didn't want to hear that. Finally, I was finding myself. I was becoming strong, and I needed her voice to guide me. I barely knew her, but I knew something about her was smart and wonderful. I needed to explore her thoughts, pick her brain for me. I wanted her to assure me.

No you don't, something laughed at me. You just want to kiss her.

I felt my chest grow hot.

"But, why?"

Kat kicked up dust with her sneaker.

"Hm...I just have to. I...can't stay here," she said, hesitantly. I made sure no one was watching before I slipped my arm around her shoulders. She sucked in her breath. She squeezed her eyes shut in pain, my arm not comforting her. I wanted her to understand me. But at that moment, I wanted her to show me that she felt the same way as I did. I wanted her to look up at me with pleading eyes and a full mouth and I wanted her to say everything.

"I want you to stay here," I whispered into her ear. It didn't take long before her cheeks flooded with pink. She shivered slightly when my breath hit her ear. I smirked a little, sliding my arm back to my side. I knew at that point that she did indeed feel something for me.

She just kept denying it, pushing it to the back of her thoughts. Kat looked up at me, her cheeks burning a little more.

"I know you do, Carl. I know you do."

I dropped my smirk, looking puzzled.

"But-" I started.

"I'm going to leave Carl. I'm sorry."

I was going to say something more, but she started walking faster. Something had escaped her throat, and I realized she wanted to cry. I fought back the urge to grab her and pull her to my chest.

Can't I just comfort you? I asked silently. Can't you just let me love you, can't you just let me take care of you?

Judith giggled and grabbed for Kat's hand. Kat looked down and smiled, holding Judith's hand with dainty tears in her eyes.

I smiled, watching her. Kat meant more to me than she thought. Something inside me was changing because of her. That anger was still there. But she made me feel something, made me feel like I would be okay. She made me feel like I could make it, and she gave me hope. She gave me feelings I had lost, she flooded me with thoughts that made me beg for her to turn around and just let me have her. She looked so tired, walking with a delicate pain. I imagined her laying her head in my lap, watching the stars as she rested. I imagined her hand against my face, her lips against my neck. I imagined her arms around my neck, I imagined her body close to mine as she allowed me to have her completely. 

I squeezed my eyes in pain.

Let me love you, I begged silently. Talk to me, and let me love you.

I looked back up and just thought about Kat, smiling to myself in utmost wonder.

She really was beautiful, with the sunlight in her hair and a lovely expression on her face.