I wish I could say that we woke up the next morning and wrapped ourselves around each other, apologizing while we made love. But that kinda stuff only happens in fan fiction and rom coms. No, we spent the next couple of days only speaking if it was about the kids or the household and generally avoiding each other.
It was the same routine every morning. I woke up before she did. I got Noah handled and handed him off to her before I took Lucy to school. I would stop by the market on the way home whether we needed something or not, just an excuse to stay out of the house and as far away from the tension as I could.
I had done a good job of keeping my feelings under wraps for the last two weeks. But once Lucy asked and reminded me of all those pictures of Kesse on my phone, the brunt of my desire to adopt him hit me full force. I couldn't hide it away again if I tried.
And what's more I didn't want to. I had allowed Emily the ability to dictate our schedule concerning this because I knew her feelings were valid. She was nervous and scared but if I let this continue, we wouldn't get any closer to adopting him.
Thankfully, we had our monthly appointment with Diana soon. It was gonna be a helluva session I knew that much.
When I got home, I set down the bags on the kitchen counter. She was sitting at the kitchen table, finishing putting Noah's shirt on when I walked in. I cast her a quick glance, kissed Noah's forehead and turned to walk out. She wasn't in any mood to talk to me either.
The longer we didn't speak or connect, the angrier I got. Why was it always me having to go to her? Why was I always the one who had to extend the olive branch?
I wasn't wrong this time. I wasn't saying we had to go and adopt Kesse tomorrow (although I would've been fine if that's what happened) but the fact that she wouldn't even listen drove me insane.
I flopped onto the couch and turned the TV on, trying to get lost in some mindless TV show in the hopes I would stop torturing myself. When that didn't work, I muted it and tried to pour everything into my journal. That kept me occupied for a couple hours. I thought about taking Noah for a walk or to the park, but that would require having to speak to Emily and I wasn't sure I would be able to hold my tongue.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and pulled up my photos, thumbing through them.
I missed him. More than I knew I could. The sight of his angelic face staring back at me with no idea what it was the world had in store for him was more than I could handle at the moment. I quickly flipped to some of the other pictures I'd taken. But I ended up back at Kesse's pictures moments later.
Did I know what I was asking? I thought I did. Maybe Em was right. Maybe I was too caught up in the fantasy that just loving Kesse enough would fix all his problems. I knew it would mean more work, but Em and I had already traversed the worst of the worst when it came to our relationship. In the grand scheme of things, this hardly seemed like something that would produce this kind of discourse between us.
I didn't know if I could let him go. Was I willing to risk my family? My children? Emily? All to bring home a little boy I barely knew?
Tears welled up in my eyes while my mind warred with itself over the answer to that. I heard the floor creak behind me. I turned around without thinking to see Emily standing behind me with the laundry basket in her hands. She saw my face, no doubt recognized the tears, and the look on her face was not one of compassion.
She set her mouth in a tight line, shook her head and marched into our bedroom.
My shoulders slumped when I turned back around. I ran my hand down my face.
