Bleeding Color

12. Official

Visiting Logan, although it feels like nothing productive or constructive was said on my behalf, seems to have an impact on Logan. She's no longer hiding from me, but she still feels distant somehow. It's been a couple weeks since I went to her apartment for the first time, and since then we've been friendly towards one another, but it's like she's pretending. She let's me think that we're on good terms and I'm finally getting close to her, and then I run into a wall and realize she's standing on the other side, still guarding herself for whatever reason. It would be more aggravating if I didn't have Alycia.

Alycia has been keeping my sanity in check for the past two weeks. Whenever I'm stressed or anxious or anything but perfect, she's there to make me smile and take my mind off of everything else. She's busy most of the time, but I can tell she tries to make time for me as much as possible, and I know I can't begin to appreciate her as much as she deserves.

It's Wednesday, which means the varsity field hockey team has a game in the evening. Christina and I go home after school and attempt to start homework, but somehow end up watching Netflix. After a few hours, a car horn beeps a couple times to signal that Chloe is in the driveway ready to pick Christina and me up for the field hockey game.

The bleachers are practically empty – the same situation at every other sporting event that isn't football at this school. It's not that the football team is incredible – they're actually pretty terrible – but football is apparently everyone's excuse to be obnoxious on school grounds under minimal adult supervision. It's also an excuse for people to wear paint on their faces and scream for no apparent reason other than yelling at a stranger throwing a ball.

I'm not a huge fan of football.

Logan arrives unexpectedly a few minutes into the first half and she and Athena have a back and forth witty banter that I could observe for hours at a time with no complaints whatsoever. Between Logan, Athena, Chloe, Christina, and myself, somehow none of us are making our presence particularly known. Christina picks up on the lack of obnoxious supportive friends and silently volunteers to become that obnoxious friend. As Alycia runs by our section of the bleachers, Christina stands and begins cheering at the top of her lungs. I attempt to scold her through my laughter but she continues persistently.

Christina turns to me after a moment and cocks an eyebrow at me, "I shouldn't even be the annoying one cheering for Alycia. I mean she is your girlfriend after all." My smile snaps off of my face, Christina's eyes widen as soon as the words escape her mouth, and the other three girls begin gawking as soon as the word girlfriend bitterly escapes Christina's lips.

"You two are dating?" Logan's abrupt words feel harsh from her seat behind me. Chloe's eyes shift between Logan and me momentarily before she quickly stands up next to Christina and urges her to continue her cheering. Christina follows Chloe's lead and the two's screams drown out the rest of the world. With the unfortunate exception of Logan repeating her question, "You're an official couple?" This time her words are softer and less stunned.

My head attempts to nod in agreement, but stays in place as if I had just been turned into the stiff tin man. "Yes." My words aren't a whisper, but they're too quiet to be accepted as my normal volume. "She asked this past weekend."

Logan shifts in her seat just barely, and I know I'm the only one that would notice a shift in her so subtle. She plasters a smile on her face before saying, "Congratulations sugar plum. You've snagged the most eligible bachelorette in this town." I'm not sure how to respond and turn my attention back to the game.

Logan goes quiet after congratulating me, but part of me is convinced her behavior is just in my head.

Athena directs her attention to me, and stands, urging me to join. I follow suit, not intentionally, but absentmindedly as Logan runs through every thought in my mind in sync with a mournful piano playing like a movie trailer in my head. I shake every bit of Logan out of my mind that I can and redirect my focus onto the field in front of me.

The roar of the small crowd fades back in and I cheer for the girl on the field who I know I don't deserve, and I feel overcome with the knowledge that of everyone in the world, I was lucky enough find her. Logan doesn't lurk in the depths of my mind after this. She passes through, but no more than any other interaction I have with those around me. She no longer occupies her own massive part of my thoughts, but joins the rest of those who come and go normally.

I don't force Logan out. Not intentionally.

Alycia infects my thoughts like the most desirable illness I could come to imagine. None of this happens instantaneously, but constantly throughout my relationship with Alycia for the next two months.

But it starts with that moment on the bleachers looking down at the girl I know I don't deserve. When the game ends, and she is allowed to join her adoring fans in the bleachers, I launch myself towards Alycia like an obsessed fan at a boy band concert. She embraces me with a surprise for my sudden affection towards her. I'm not one to enjoy PDA, and she knows this, but I kiss her cheek lightly before releasing her to acknowledge the group of friends standing behind me.

She does a small double take, checking reality to assure I'm acting the way I am, before greeting those behind me. I stare in awe as I watch her interactions with the others, amazed at how seemingly perfect one human being can seem to another. I don't see Logan take a picture of me, but I hear the sound of her phone's camera capture me without warning.

Logan swallows as my eyes lock with hers. "Well that's awkward." She teases, referring to the sound her phone made to snap my attention towards her. "You promised me a picture." Logan begins to explain, "Although you sent me a few I told you I could use, they're all posed and perfect and that's not what I want." She pauses, and I forget the girls huddled around Alycia beside us. "The real you, Cameron – that's the challenge."

I accept her statement with no rebuttal and she leaves without prying anything more from me. Chloe drives Christina and me back home from the game and I zone out while the two others gossip about my relationship.

Nothing significant changes among the group following the news that Alycia and me are official. Christina continues to live vicariously through me, Chloe continues to gossip, and Athena continues her constant witty banter with the others. Logan is no longer a ghost, but I'm not entirely sure if that's because she's around more or I've just paid attention to her less.

Alycia and I grow closer, and I start to forget whatever I felt towards Logan before. I don't completely cut her out of my life, however. We're civil, but we're not the same category of friends I identify myself as with the others in our group. Logan and I stay above the surface of our friendship, careful not to tread in dangerous waters. 

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My apologies for the shorter chapter, but hopefully it's still enjoyable. Thoughts? 

Chapter song: "i hate U, i love U" by Gnash feat. Olivia O'Brien

Until next time,Adrienne c: