Bleeding Color

15. Wilted Roses

Convincing myself I'm happy is harder than I initially anticipated it being. Of course, I'm happy in general. I have no major complaints overall, but I can't help but be miserable in my relationship. Miserable sounds dramatic. I'm not miserable. I'm unhappy. I care about Alycia and I know I've told myself this enough times, but I still don't seem to be convinced I care about her the way I should care about her.

The last couple of weeks have been spent trying to convince myself that I could spend the rest of my life with Alycia if she asked. It started to work, but then it hit me that it's unfair for her. It's unfair for me to be perfectly comfortable and not give Alycia the relationship she deserves with someone who is going to worship the ground she walks on. I don't want to be another couple in a restaurant on Valentine's Day sitting across from one another with resentment because I held Alycia back from ever having the love she actually deserves to have.

So we sit in Alycia's room, her at the edge of the bed, and me in her desk chair across from her. I haven't said anything yet, but I know she knows something is wrong. She knows me well enough to know there is something important on my mind. Alycia looks at me and I feel too weak to have the courage to tell her I can no longer be with her. I know that makes me weaker. I can no longer convince myself I need more time to think. I've had nearly five months of thinking about leaving her. I don't need to waste any more of her time. Especially when we'll be graduating in three months. I want her to enjoy the rest of senior year without me on her arm. I'm convinced memories she makes without me will be better than the ones she makes with me.

Alycia looks at me and I swear she can hear my heart pounding with anxiety. I don't want to say the three words everyone in a relationship dreads hearing, but they still manage to slip from my mouth.

"Can we talk?" I ask her softly. My voice is almost too low, but she hears me. She knows what's coming.

I tell her everything. I explain my fears about the future. I tell Alycia I can't be with her because all I think about is being without her. I tell her she deserves someone who can give her a better future – a real one. But she doesn't want to hear anything I have to say. Alycia is convinced everything I'm saying is insane.

She shakes her head in disbelief and tries to smile to hide the pain – whether from me or herself, I'm still unsure of – and tells me, "We're kids, Cam. We have a right to live today and not worry about tomorrow. Why are you so worried about a future that's so far away?"

"That's the thing." I inch the desk chair closer to her, but not close enough to be distracted from what I want in this moment. "You deserve a tomorrow. A better tomorrow than I can give you."

My hands are shaky and my voice is unsteady and I know I'll regret letting her go the moment I leave, but we both deserve more than this. Alycia realizes my mind has already been made up and there is no convincing me that we can last any longer than we already have. I witness the realization on her face. Her mouth parts slightly, and her eyebrows furrow, and her eyes search mine for a glimpse of hope. She wants to fight for me, and she has no idea that I'm not going to let her.

Alycia grabs my hands gently and pulls me closer to her and as my knees graze hers, I feel an ounce of second-guessing and curiosity and I wonder for a split second if I could stay with her. That thought is fleeting. I know I'm not the one she needs to be with.

Alycia begs and pleads and her eyes water, and I've never felt so weak in my entire life. My limbs feel like noodles and my heart feels two sizes two small to be able to pump the correct amount of blood through my body. "Alycia," my voice is as weak as the rest of me, "you are my best friend. I have spent the last five months so grateful to have you in my life and be able to come to you for anything and everything. And I hope I don't lose my best friend after this, but I can't do this anymore." Her eyes water and my voice cracks as I attempt to explain my feelings.