Bleeding Color

22. Over

Logan texted me two days after I saw her in the hospital to inform me she was released and sent home. That was a week ago, and I haven't heard from her since. To add to the pain, I know the only reason Logan texted me was because Chloe hounded her to. Chloe, of course, denies all accusations of her doing so, but she's a bad liar and Logan is undeniably whipped by Chloe so there's no doubt in my mind that any contact made by Logan is a request made by Chloe.

Currently, I'm perched in my bedroom windowsill, reading. I trust Chloe, and what she told me about Logan coming to me when she's ready. Logan owes nothing to me, so I'm obligated to wait until she's ready to tell me the full truth about why she pushed me away. I'm unaware of the amount of time that passes as the book in front of me takes me away to another world.

A knock on my door pulls me back to Earth, and my eyes widen in disbelief of Logan standing in my doorway. "Hey," she greets me weakly, "your mom let me in." I wave Logan in and sit up firmly, my eyes locked on Logan as she enters my room and makes her way to me. "I guess I owe you some sort of explanation, huh?"

I set my book aside and pull my legs closer to me, allowing Logan to sit on the other end of my windowsill. My arms wrap around my knees, and I shake my head lightly in response to Logan. "You don't owe me anything. You said it yourself – we're not together."

Logan's head hangs low as she sinks into the windowsill. "I'm sorry about that. Believe me, Peaches, I want to tell you everything." Logan pauses. Her confidence spikes and she arches her back inward, sitting firmly before me. "I'm serious. Everything. Every bit of me. I don't want to keep secrets from you. You deserve more than that. Because secrets are the parts of us that we hide from everyone else because we're scared that they won't accept them or they'll think of us differently. Cameron, you terrify me. And the fact that you scare me more than..." Her words trail, and her shoulders lower, her stance slouching once again. "Can I take you somewhere?"

I nod and stand to grab a pair of shoes. Logan follows me outside after I tell my mom I'm leaving, and we set off in Logan's truck. She won't tell me where she's taking me and it's nearly impossible not to smile in anticipation. Soon, Logan turns down a private road and a large building comes into view. My smile fades as we drive past the building and I notice the numerous amount stones across the grounds of the property. My eyes shoot back to Logan. "You're taking me to a graveyard?" I ask.

Logan doesn't break her stare with the road. "There's someone I want you to meet." Her voice is solemn and it hits me that Logan is taking me to her grandfather's grave. Logan soon pulls off the main private road and parks just off. I climb out of her passenger seat and she pulls a small bouquet of flowers out of the backseat. She shrugs as I step beside her, saying, "I thought it'd be rude to not bring anything."

I walk alongside Logan as she leads me to a grave. Logan stops by a headstone and leans down, laying the flowers just under the stone. As Logan stands once again, I read the name engraved on the gray stone. "Emily?" I shoot a glance of confusion to Logan. She nods and I look back to the headstone, noticing Emily's last name. Fitzpatrick. My eyes shoot back to Logan again.

Logan points to a bench not too far from us and asks, "Do you want to take a seat? There's a lot to explain." Logan and I sit on either ends of a wooden bench and she takes a moment to gather her thoughts into one comprehensive story for me to understand. "Emily Fitzpatrick was Ms. Fitzpatrick's younger sister, Alycia's best friend growing up, and my first love." Logan inhales slowly, and then goes into detail about what happened to Emily.

Alycia introduced Emily and Logan the summer before freshman year of high school. Emily was a year older than Logan and had gone to a private school up until high school, which is why Logan had never met her before. They quickly became friends, and Logan started high school with Emily in the fall. Shortly after, the two started dating. First, Logan was scared to tell her parents she had a girlfriend, but after eight months of being with Emily, Logan finally told her parents she was gay. Emily was Logan's first love, and the two of them – despite how young they were – heavily considered the future they could have together. Logan loved Emily with everything she had, but Chloe did not like Emily. Chloe was always moody around Emily, and Logan never understood why.

Logan was insecure and depressed because of her heart condition, she wanted to give up more often than not. Emily, however, made Logan feel happy and safe, and told her that her life was worth fighting for. Emily made Logan stronger. She gave her the confidence to fight through her condition instead of giving up. Emily was the first person that Logan ever showed her artwork to, and Emily constantly encouraged her to keep painting.

Ms. Fitzpatrick – whose first name Logan tells me is Amy - had started working at the school during Logan's freshman year, and Logan became close to her because Emily was always in Amy's classroom.

During fall of Logan's sophomore year - a year after the two had started dating - Logan had to be rushed to the hospital. By the time Emily had found out, Logan was in the operating room. Emily was on her way to the hospital during a storm that night when a car sped past her and hydroplaned, driving Emily's car off the road. The driver of the speeding car survived with no injuries, but Emily died later that night in the hospital.

"I woke up and she was gone." Logan's eyes are fixed on a spot on the ground as she tells her story. "Emily died because she wanted to be there for me." Logan continues, explaining her condition and past in detail to me. "I guess all the jokes about me not having a heart are at least half true." Logan attempts to make a joke in order to prevent her from getting too choked up as she recalls Emily. Logan's small grin vanishes as she continues. "If I had listened to myself... If I had just pushed her away like I wanted to..." Logan's words fade, and I slide closer to her, shaking my head.

"You can't blame yourself for what happened to her."

"I know," Logan sighs. "That doesn't make it any easier."

Logan tells me she didn't go to school for almost two weeks after Emily's death, and the one person who was always there for her was Ms. Fitzpatrick. After everyone found out about Emily's death, they started treating Logan differently. Chloe even refrained from any and all negative comments about Emily. When the spring semester of sophomore year rolled around, Logan completely changed her attitude, blocking out anyone who wanted to get close. That's when the Logan that pushed me away first showed up. Logan wasn't always a pompous womanizer.

Hearing Logan's story finally adds all the missing pieces to Logan and her behavior towards me. One minute she lets me past the walls she's built up, and the next thing I know, I run into another barrier she's built up to keep me out. Logan doesn't want to shut me out, she just doesn't know what else to do. She's terrified of losing someone she cares about again. She's terrified of falling in love again.

Knowing about Emily causes me to forgive every moment where Chloe and Athena would change the subject or refuse to tell me about who she was. They didn't want to force their own opinions of Emily onto me before hearing Logan's side of the story. That's why no one would tell me anything about Emily. It was never just to protect Logan. It was always about protecting Emily's memory.

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Chapter song: "Windows in Heaven" by We Are the in Crowd

Thoughts on this chapter? Is that what you expected to be "the Emily situation?"

Don't worry, I promise happier chapters are coming!

Until next time,
Adrienne c: