No Games Left to Play

25: Arguments, Advice, & Acceptance

"My thirtieth birthday is coming up soon," Peeta tells me as he prepares a soup for dinner to keep our bellies warm in the cool fall air.

"I know," I grin, watching him from the breakfast bar of the counter like I always do. "Can you believe you're almost as old as your wife?"

He chuckles, "I was thinking that we could celebrate early."

He turns around and looks at me the way he does when he wants something. And not just any something.

"Not this week," I tell him. It's been nine years since we lost our son in utero. After about a year, Peeta started dropping hints during a particular time of the month that he wanted a baby. He never came out and said it directly, he wouldn't dare, but I still know that's what he wants. "You know this week ins't a good week for that."

"I want a baby, Katniss!" Peeta suddenly yells.

I'm taken aback.

Peeta continues, "I want to have something that is a part of you and a part of me, all rolled into one. I want to see you fill out and get a big round belly, a-and yell vile things at me while you're in labor. I want to create life with you, the woman I love. And I don't think that's ever going to change! Is it really so bad for me to want something that will make both of us happy?"

"Getting fat wont make me happy," I shoot back, "Living in that kind of fear won't make me happy. Isn't fear reason alone for me to not give you this?"

"Katniss, this is the only thing I've ever asked you for. Ever," Peeta says desperately.

"Are you trying to guilt me into this? Don't you think I feel guilty enough? To deny you the only thing you've ever really wanted? To see how much it breaks your heart when I say no every single time you ask me?"

"I got you," he whispers, sweetly. "That's all I ever wanted. And now that I have that... I want more."

"That's selfish," I gripe.

He gently places his hand on my lower abdomen, "I want a family that consists of more than just us."

"Get your hand off me," I bite, shoving his hand off my stomach and taking a step away from him.

He rolls his eyes.

"Peeta, I cant keep having this conversation! I can't have a baby..."

"What about Nathaniel?" he yells, interrupting me before I was finished. 

"He was an accident," I shout.

"How dare you," he says, spitefully.

"Oh don't make it sound like I didn't want him."

"But you didn't!"

"You better watch what you say," I bite, anger boiling inside me.

"So should you," he snaps. "Look, all I was trying to get at was that we would've already had a child."

"Peeta I'm sorry, I really am, but you know how I've felt about having children since before we got married! And if this is something you can't ever give up... then maybe you need to be with someone who can give it to you. Maybe we shouldn't be together."

"Maybe we shouldn't," Peeta says sadly.

When that phrase escapes his mouth, I instantly feel regret for what I said but I'm still too angry to apologize.

Peeta goes upstairs and I don't dare bother him. We both need time to cool off.

I decide to go to the woods and give him some space. I take my hunting jacket off it's hook and slide an arm in. A door is slammed shut, making me jolt and look towards the stairs. I get my other arm into it's sleeve and begin to put my boots on. Once I finish up tying the laces, I head out the back door and walk to the woods.