Habits

Habits | five

| five

NOW

As we rode silently in his truck, I starting thinking about what I was going to do and where in the world I go. I really didn't want to go stay with any of my dads family or anyone. I felt like I had no one but myself. With no job or barely any money, I really don't think that I would be able to afford to stay in any place. My insides twisted as the thought about sleeping out in the streets crossed my mind.

"So what's your name? You know mine so it's only fair that I get to know yours. " He asks.

I hesitate. Should I even use my real name? I ask myself. NO! You can't tell some random person who you are!  "Abby."

"Well Abby, what are you doing out here in the middle of the night?"

"That's really none of your business." I reply honestly. Truth be told I shouldn't be explaining my actions to anyone.

Adam sighs, "sorry. I was just wondering what a young girl like you is doing out here in the middle of nowhere. Forgive me."

I closed my eyes and sighed. I looked over at him and started wondering to myself what kind of guy he was. He seemed like the type that helped everyone. Just like you used to be. My eyes started to water as my past came rushing back to me. Stop thinking about it!

THEN

We laid in bed and listened as the crickets sung outside my bedroom window. A simple conversation led to talking about the future and how life was gonna be. Everything I really wanted, I already had. My grades were gonna take me to great places and Paul's scholarship would get him into a great college so he could continue playing football after he left high school. We both came from a really wealthy family so money wouldn't be an issue. The only problem I had was the way Paul would act every time I would mention our future together.

"You don't love me enough, do you?" The words almost got stuck in my throat. My vision watered at the thought of not spending my future with the man I loved.

He sighed and turned to face me. "Don't ever say that Bella. You are so perfect to me sweetheart. Everyday I am around you, I fall in love with you more and more. I just feel like I will never be enough for you. You are so smart, beautiful, caring, and you are gonna go to big places. I feel like my football career won't be good enough for you, for our future."

"No," I shook my head, "Don't you ever say that! You are everything to me Paul! I don't know how I could live without you. I'd probably be lost."

"I'll always love you Isabella Rose Sanclair. We'll rule the world someday. " He said. "Are you ready for tomorrow?"

"Ready as I'll ever be. After graduation you wanna go somewhere?"

"Aren't your parents throwing like a little small get together for our families and friends?" Paul asks me, smiling. "I'm gonna go babe. I'll see you tomorrow. It's gonna be great."

I roll my eyes at his words and the plan my dearest mother had put together. She wanted us to spend time with family after graduation. To me, it was the most ridiculous idea she could come up with but I had to obey. If I didn't obey that would mean punishment. And punishment from my mother and sister was the worst. Fear rose in the pit of my stomach at the thought of them damaging my body. My body to them was like a punching bag they could use whenever they wanted to. Every time blood dripped from my skin to their hands, pleasure was all they could see. Their smirks would haunt every dream and every thought inside my head. The more that I thought about it, the more that every cell inside of me wanted to leave that house.

Suicide. I had never thought about it. Until now. Sometimes when I would be alone in my room I would stare at my veins and would start wondering how deep I would have to cut before the redness would seep out and end my life. It would end the beatings. But it would also end my happiness with Paul and my father. I could never leave them in sadness. That would mean that my mother and sister would win and I couldn't allow that to happen.

My whole life was still ahead of me.

And I would not let anyone take that from me.

     

I knew my Valedictorian speech left everyone's mind spinning. Heck what I just recited in front of about five hundred people came spilling out of my mouth and I had no control of it. I could see from the corner of my eye as my classmates stared at me with admiration. The silence was cut off when Paul stood up whilst putting his hands together. His lips formed that smile that made me fall in love with him.

"As we sit here and get ready to graduate, I'm sure we're all feeling a bit pressured because real life for some of us has came too soon. Tomorrow will be a new day. A new day to start preparing ourselves for college. We have become accustomed to our teachers treating us like babies. And we thank you for that. Our parents have been our fans since day one and have pushed us towards the best. But sometimes there's an evil lurking trying to keep us from passing. We have to fight that evil and hope for the best. Truth is, you can't trust everyone. Even our most closest friends stab us in the back. High school, no matter where you go, will always have backstabbers that want what you have. They try to take your credit and leave you in the dark. High school is where you learn to love someone besides yourself and where you learn heartache. Heartache is felt in so many ways. Like for example when you learn that your best friend has been sleeping with your boyfriend or you go home and get told you fifteen year old dog has passed away. There are two different kinds of heartache but they give the same affect. What I'm trying to say is that high school is only the beginning. High school gives us an inside scoop about real life. And that's what our teachers want us to understand. They don't get paid enough to preach at us like they do. They do it because they really care and love us. So thank you to all the teachers who have yelled at our hard heads. We are sorry for all the headaches we have cost you."

"That had to be the most saddest slash best speech I have ever heard babe."

I smile, "it just came out. What I had written down was nothing compared to what I just said."

"Well it doesn't matter because it was badass. And I'm sure all the teachers love you for giving them so much credit." Paul tells me. I turn to look for my dad but suddenly teachers start to surround me to congratulate me.

After an hour or so we start to head home. I hadn't seen Paul since he had come up to me after my speech. When we get home people were already waiting on our arrival. My mother and father start going around and welcoming everyone as I headed upstairs to change.

I was passing Jaqueline's bedroom when I heard her say something. My curiosity got the best of me and I opened her door only to hear my own heart shattering inside of me. On her bed she laid while Paul kissed her passionately. I gasped and they froze.

I ran towards my room as fast as my legs would take and locked myself inside.

"It's not what it looked like babe! Please open the door!" All I could hear were his muffled screams trapped behind the door. Soon my fathers voice joined his as well. Screaming for me to open the door.

At that moment, I could not think. I did not cry. No. I felt anger radiating inside of me as I threw the closest object to me towards my mirror hanging on the wall. The glass shattered around me. Standing ahead of me was my broken mirror, staring me in the face, daring me to pick up a piece of broken glass.

And I took the dare and cried out as I slashed my wrists.