Winter's Kiss (Summer Rain #2)

IX ~ Negotiations

{100 Letters ~ Halsey}

...And now I can't stop thinking that I can't stop thinking, that I almost gave you everything, and now the whole thing's finished, and I can't stop wishing, that I never gave you anything...

----

20th October

AVA

Boundaries, a thick-rimmed line between here and there, now and never, yes and no, were something I never thought I'd have with Elliot. Boundaries were how I lived before, knowing when to speak, knowing when to keep silent, never jutting a toe out of line. Still, the life I had built without him in it was to exist outside of the fence being hammered around us when we sat together in the dimly lit coffee shop. It was bustling with people, none of whom paid any attention to us, and Elliot and I enjoyed our coffees and each other's company.

I had spent an entire summer letting him know me; every boundary quickly discarded as we bared our souls to one another under the safety of candlelight. I had memorised every part of who he was then, never forgetting a single detail. Now, it felt like we were strangers again, thrown back together somehow. There was no candlelight beside us, only the dim overhanging lights of the coffee shop. We were not alone in Elliot's cabin anymore. We were among the world, the bustling city where I had my own home. I was in my own domain and yet here he was. And the boundary between then and now very much present on the table between us.

My messy, freshly washed hair fell over my face slightly as I laughed at one of his stories from London, his stories still as entertaining as they were before. I tucked it behind my ear, not waiting for him to do that for me like he used to. It was driving me insane how I remembered these details of a life before this, drowning in the past and present stasis, stagnant together. I was living a double life somehow, without wishing to. Somehow I had to separate now from then, draw that thick black line, a separation.

"...So then he called ma yank, I mean what is this, the fifties?" He laughed as I suddenly returned from my fugue state, nodding and laughing along.

"You certainly had quite the life over there," I observed.

"You have to make it a home, or it's suffocating, I guess I could say the same with you settling here," he countered.

"It took a while, but I mean, I live with my brother and sister, it's hardly isolating."

"I'm too used to living on my own now. I couldn't handle going back now," he shook his head at the thought.

"Shame, I'd love to see you and Poppy fighting for the bigger bedroom," I laughed, remembering his sister and her luminous blonde curls.

"Well, we're not as close as we used to be," his voice suddenly softened, quietened as he shrank within himself slightly.

"Have you not seen her since you've been home?"

"No, I don't even know where she is. She never answered my calls after a while," he explained. "She was living with Clara, Tim's wife, and Benjamin. He called me about six months after I left, saying she was acting strangely, never home, stopped talking to them as much, and then all of a sudden, she up and left, saying she couldn't take it anymore and wanted to leave."