Winter's Kiss (Summer Rain #2)

XXII ~ Finding

{We'll Make It Through ~ Ray LaMontagne}

...Where do you go when there's no road to follow? Faces look hollow, only strangers to you now, where do you turn when this living starts to burn, through layers that you learned to wrap around your heart somehow?...

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10th November

ELLIOT

    When I can't sleep at night, I end up walking. I've seen so many sunrises; I've lost count. It's like watching another day begin. Another chance for things to get better. That's what I did that night, after I carried Ava to that shitty motel room bed, her head flopping on to my shoulder in an oblivious sleep. I let her down gently and walked back out into the cold night air. 

      I did try to sleep, but my mind would run to Poppy, and where she might be right have been. My stomach would turn to knots, and I'd feel nothing but nauseous every time I closed my eyes. I paced. I tried breathing exercises. I tried everything, but nothing could soothe my twisting mind from worrying. 

     Was this just another dead end? 

      I let my feet carry me until I was too exhausted to think of anything except breathing. I walked and walked, passing late-night liquor stores with their glowing neon temptation. Part of me wanted to go in and buy a bottle of amnesia for the night. But I knew it wouldn't fix this emptiness I was feeling. I was lost, and nothing could find me until I found my sister. 

    The slight beginning of morning cut across the empty skyline as I walked the barren road back to the motel, a stillness being broken by the sight of the sun. I didn't know what the day would bring. I didn't know anything at all. Except it was morning. And I was awake. 

 "Where did you end up?" Benjamin asked, bright-eyed and rested as I returned to the motel room. 

  "What?" I asked, the tiredness beginning to set in at the moment I stopped walking. 

      He was brushing a comb through his hair, while Ava munched on a sandwich. She looked sleepy, but at least she had rested. She gave me a slight smile, the dimple present on her cheek, saying good morning to me. I smiled back, gently so as not to startle her still-soothing sleepy state. 

  "Did you sleep in the car or something?" Benjamin asked again. 

  "Didn't sleep. I walked," I nodded, passing them through heading to the bathroom. 

     It was small, with a dingey flickering light. But all I needed was cold water to splash on my face. 

  "You walked?" Ava's voice came, as she stood at the bathroom door, watching me. "Where did you go?"

  "Nowhere in particular," I said, cold water filling my hands as I splashed my face, "I just couldn't settle."

  "The beds weren't so bad," she laughed quietly, taking a step towards me. "Thanks for... Carrying me in."

  "Anytime," I said, forcing a smile.

     It wasn't the first time I had carried her to bed, but I kept my mouth shut on that fact. Instead, it sat heavy in the air between us. In between the anger, I was causing in her relationship and the past that parted us in the first place. The past and the present paradox that wasn't helping the knots that tightened in my stomach. But somehow she settled them a little with just being there. 

  "I talked to Benjamin," she said. 

     I looked at her carefully, trying to understand what she was skirting around. 

  "And?" My voice was soft, low. 

  "He's... He's hopeful that this lead is the one," she nodded. 

  "It's good to be realistic," I countered. "This could be just like the rest."

     I passed her to make my way back into the main part of the motel room, reaching for my jacket. She followed me, not finished with this line of conversation. 

  "There's no way to know until we go and check it out," she said. "But if it is a dead-end it doesn't mean it's over."

  "I feel like this is all my fault, and I don't know how to cope with that," I said, trying to hold everything inside. "If something bad has happened--"

  "No, no, nothing bad has happened," she stopped me. "She's waiting for her brother."

  "But--"

  "You can't give up," she confirmed. "Poppy needs her brother, and you need your sister."

     She took hold of my hand, squeezing it tight. It was a small moment of peace, of feeling safe. I let the moment wash over us, breathing deeply for that brief second. 

     There was hope. And I wasn't going to give up until I had Poppy back. 

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AVA

     The car journey was filled with a tense silence that none of us could break. We were all in hell, waiting for the answer. Was this where we would find Poppy? 

     Elliot's eyes were icy blue, lost in this wave of panic that enveloped him. The unknown. I didn't know how to fix it, or if I was any use at all. But I knew I couldn't leave him to face this alone. Life a few days ago felt simple, felt normal, felt nothing like this great unknown before us. It was something we were all surrounded by. 

     I couldn't imagine how the boys were feeling. But I was prepared to be there. 

  "I think we're here," Benjamin spoke softly as we stopped the car.

     All of us looked around at the world outside of the car. Apartments, and trees. A pretty normal neighbourhood, just outside of town. It wasn't a dingy neighbourhood, on a clearly rough side of town, which a small part of me was worried it would be. 

     None of us spoke for a few minutes. All of us tense, unbearably frozen. Scared of finding out what the truth of this lead would be for Elliot and Benjamin. 

  "I'll go," Elliot said after a moment, loosing his seatbelt. 

  "Not without me," Benjamin nodded, joining. 

  "Do you want me to stay in the car?" I asked Elliot. "I don't mind. I don't want to be in your way--" 

  "Ava, you've come all the way here with us," Benjamin argued. "Of course you're not in the way."

  "I know, but--" I said.

  "I'd like you to be there with me," Elliot turned to me. "If you want to... If that's okay."

     I could only nod. 

     We all left the car slowly, making our way up a gravel path to a white door.

     36 Tremaine Grove. 

     I could see Elliot's heart beating through his T-shirt. All of us trying not to freak out. All of us full of absolute hope and absolute fear. Existing at the moment between knowing and not knowing. 

      It was Benjamin who knocked. All of us frozen at the door. I took Elliot's hand as it trembled at his side. I didn't think I just held tight to steady him. He squeezed it back, both of us steadier for a second. 

     We waited for an answer... And it came. 

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