The School's Idol Nerd

Stepping into the Sunlight:J-Hope Ch.1 Why I'm Me

I wasn't the lonely, emo, no friends, depressed, self loathing kid in class, even though that's what everyone thought. I was depressed, I was lonely and had no friends. But It wasn't in the judgement way everyone thought.

First, I should explain so you know why, and you don't think I'm just some random depressed teen. My grandma, my dad's mom, had been living with me, Mom, and Dad. She and I were really really close, I was closer to her than her own son. She was my best friend, especially since no one talked to me at School.

One day, me and my grandma went to the hospital for one of her checkups, and it turns out, she had cancer and they found it really late, and she only had 6 more months to live. All of us spent as much time as we could with her. I usually slept in the same bed with her once a week, but for those last six, it was every night. And, for awhile, it looked like she was becoming better, it had been 8 months since that last doctor vist, she was better. And when we went to bed together one night and fell asleep, only I woke up that morning.

At frist, I couldn't even wrap my mind around. The thoughts that flew through my mind while I cried and yelled for her to wake up. “You were getting better! It's been eight months! Not six!!" All my yelling and crying woke mom and Dad up that they rushed into the room and saw us.

Mom rushed up and hugged me from behind and tried to console me even though I couldn't hear her, and Dad rushed up and pushed me out of the way and hugged grandma's dead body.

After her death, I became depressed. Now I truly had no friends. I stayed home the next day but was forced by Mom to go the next day.

I had no friends, no bullies, no anyone who paid attention to me to see I was sad. I wasn't even bullied or talked to, no one paid any attention to me at all.
I was in eighth grade when somebody talked to me for the frist time. It was this guy named Hoesok, or Hobi as everyone called him. I sat next to him and he forgot his pencil.

“Hey, can I borrow a pencil?" He asked. It took me a couple seconds to remember how to talk to people. Just as I was about to respond, he cut in. “I promise to return it!" He said. “Sure..." I said and handed him my spare. He ran off to his friends Namjoon and Yoongi.

He never did return it.

It had been two years since grandma died. I hadn't gotten fully over it, but was coming to terms with it. But that day when I got home, my mom was crying. I ran up to her and asked what was wrong.

My Dad had been in an accident...

He was hit by a reckless teen driver who had skip school to get high with his “ buddies." Me and mom sat on the ground together crying holding each other.

It happened at noon during rush hour, the teen had gone when the light turned red thinking he could make it, but pummeled into the driver seat.

He was taken to the hospital. A couple of minutes before my dad died, he wrote 2 letters. One for me and one for mom. When the letters were delivered, mom read hers right away. She started to silent cry as she held one shaky hand to her mouth as her her tears ran silently down her face as she whispered, “I... I love you too!"

She looked like she needed some time alone so I headed upstairs to my room with my letter in hand. I sat on the egde on my bed and started to read it.

“Dear Rachel, I don't really know how exactly to write this to you, my daughter. Remember what Grandma said to you, about how you could write well and express your feelings well, and also your voice is amazing as well. You could become an Idol. Also, there's some things I want to say, about the-"

I stopped reading. I clutched the paper in both hands and brought it down to my lap. I just can't read it right now! I thought.

I brought the paper down to my lap and looked over at the window. I don't think I'm worthy as a daughter to read this... I thought. Dad always said I could become an Idol if I wanted. He even wrote it in his last letter to me! I'll only be worthy to read it once I do become an Idol!

I stood up and opened a door on my desk and put the papers in there. “Dad... I'll... I'll became an Idol to make you proud!" I said looking out the window as the leaves danced.

6 months later

I couldn't. I couldn't do it. I couldn't become an Idol. I coulde sing well, I could dance well, remember the choreography and song lyrics, I... I just can't come up with my own dance moves, and I can't express anything in lyrics, and I can't make music with any real music! What's wrong with me!!!

After that, I completely stopped training to become an Idol. I became more depressed and stopped trying to deal with the deaths of grandma and Dad. I just kinda froze.

I was just going through the motions now. My mom tried her best to make me happy, but I just shut her out.

It's been a couple years, now I'm just a friendless, emotionless girl, going through the motions, and bullied who just stood there and didn't defend herself.

This is the story of Why I'm Me

Authors note

Hey guys, so as you can see, I decided to do J-Hope. If you guys didn't like this chapter, or have any tips or any criticism, no matter how harsh, please leave a comment to tell me. I really would appreciate it if anyone gave me a tip to writing a story, or if I did something wrong, or something the doesn't appeal or is just akward to read in the way it's written, please tell me, I would appreciate it.

So, I know this whole chapter was kinda like explaining way this girl is sad and depressed and close to being fully emotionless, and I wanted to do that so it wasn't just a story that was like “Wow! Bam! Sad stuff explained in a paragraph or two and now with it into the story of girl that mostly feels sad just for the sake of having the reader feel bad for her!" Thing

This story, I want it to be like it was in the summary for this book, a girl who becomes friend with this guy and blah blah they ask her to become the eighth member. But I want that to be the only thing all the story's have in common.

I'm gonna have this story be, well, basically this sad girl with a dream she gave up on, and she meets this guy, Hobi, and well, you get it.

Thank you all for read this. I hope you enjoy it and continue to read. I hope to see you all next time. Bye