To All Those Brave and Lovely

Thanksgiving

Pepper isn't coming for Thanksgiving.  Nora's not really upset about that, but it seems like Tony is, because he's spending more time sulking in his work shop than normal and doesn't look up when she comes to check on him.

"Why isn't she going to be here?"  She asks, because Nora's nosy like that and now feels invested in Tony and Pepper's relationship.  

"She's going to visit her family."  He threw the wrench down onto the table with a clatter and then turned to look at her like he's deciding how annoying he finds her.  Probably very.  

"Why didn't you go with her?"  

Nora almost feels bad, wondering if maybe he hadn't been invited, but no, she remembers walking into a conversation about that and feeling bad for interrupting.  "Because you're here."  He waved a hand at her without looking at her, like that proved all the reasons she couldn't be left alone.  "And I can't leave you alone on the holidays, that would be rude."

Tony doens't normally have a problem with being rude, either to her or anyone else, because there's generally no bite behind his bark and everyone knows it.  Unless he's in the suit.  Then you're probably a bad guy and you're going to die.  "You could have left me.  I've been alone before."  She does that now, throws out tidbits about how life was before the attack of the metal monsters, but this time he just gives her a look, one that reminds her that she had run away, once.  "Or I could have come with you.  Parents love me." 

"Maybe next year,"  He says, and she figures that unless they've finally admitted to loving each other, it wasn't going to happen then, either.

Pepper may not be able to join them for dinner, but Peter and Aunt May can, so Nora considers it an even trade.  And then the Avengers show up too, including Wanda and Vision, and it promises to not be such a bad holiday after all.   

Peter disappears after dinner, and Nora follows him out onto the balcony, even if she has to stand right beside him to keep herself from panicking.  "You alright?"

The air was cold, and it makes her chest ache, like she had just run a mile and can't catch her breath.  "Yeah.  Just a lot of people in there."  They both turn to look back in the window, at where Natasha and Clint were arm wrestling (and Clint has kids, super adorable kids that like to climb all over Steve and Thor, who would have thought), and Aunt May was chatting with Wanda.  "I just needed a break."

Nora nods like she gets it, and she does, because she's learned that Peter really does have a problem with sensory overload.  She thinks it might be just because he's so smart, like he wants to pay attention to every little detail in the room and can't, so is brain just turns into this jumble of colors and sounds that are more painful than actually helpful.  "We could stay out here for a bit."  She pulls him to the ground, accepts his offer of his jacket, because it is really cold.  "Give you a breather."

He decides that would be a good idea, so they huddle together, his arm around her shoulders and her leaning back into his chest.  "There aren't as many stars out here.  You ever seen real stars, Peter?"  She's talking soft, and he has to lean in even closer to hear it, so she's practically whispering it into his ear.  "Because these aren't really stars."

"We've got city lights.  Who needs stars when you can make your own?"  His hand squeezes hers, to let her know that he was joking and he thought that her question was a reasonable one, but she could see the beauty in the city stretching out in front of them, all glaring lights and never ending noise.

"I'll take you somewhere you can see the stars someday,"  She tells him.  Nora thinks that there's a lot she wants to do with them, and how they keep adding to their list- find the best coffee in the state of new york, pet a sting ray, make cup cakes, go to the beach, and now, see the stars.  Like if she adds enough he'll never be able to get through them, so he'll just have to be her friend forever.  

"That sounds really nice,"  He tells her, something odd in his voice, and Nora knows that if she turns to look at him she might find him looking at her, and there might be no turning back from that.  So she doesn't turn, just stares ahead, and tries to map out the constellations, but can't because the lights are too blinding for the stars to overpower.

She dreams again.

They're never good dreams, always bad, and this time she's fighting off a metal monster in order to protect Peter, who somehow was there this time, only the monster had her fathers face and he was hitting her over and over, her ribs cracking when he kicks them, arm snapping when she falls, lip splitting.  And when Spiderman comes to save her, he swings overhead but doesn't do a thing, and all his promises are said with Peter's voice.

Nora jerks awake, clutching at the sheets just because she still thinks that she needs something to hang onto, gasping into the darkness as she tries to find air.  "Tony,"  She chokes out, too quiet for him to hear, but he comes anyways, probably because Jarvis tells him everything.  

"It's okay."  He helps her to the edge of the bed, keeps her steady while she coughs and chokes and cries, and then lets her lean against him when she's too tired to hold herself up.  "It wasn't real.  It didn't happen."

But it did, she thinks, and the palm of her hand burns, so she itches at it to try and make it stop.  Not like that.  But it did.

"I'm sorry."  It's hard to get the words out, and that crushing weight is back.  It's so heavy that she pictures herself sinking down into the matress, straight through the floor and down into the dirt.  "I'm okay now."

"No, you're not.  Stop saying that."  He's still holding onto her, and she's still crying a little.  "It's okay not to be."

"I want to be."  She's digging her nails in so deep that when Tony pries her hands apart, she's surprised to find that she isn't bleeding.  "I'm trying to be."

They sit in the dark, because the light is too blinding, and she tells him about the dreams, about the ground disappearing, about spiderman and her father, and the ache in her chest that never goes away because her ribs never did heal right.  And she knows he understands, because he's got a dad that he hates and loves at the same time, and she knows that afghanistan and the whole in the sky are what keeps him up at night.  

"You could talk to someone."  Tony says later, after it became clear she wasn't getting to sleep and they moved from her room to the kitchen, where he made her hot chocolate.  Nora didn't drink it, but she did hold it in her hands to warm up her fingers, because she's always cold.

"No."  Nora didn't mean for that word to come out so strongly, with so much force behind it, but it did, loud enough in the quiet that it had Tony reaching for her again, like she's going to break down all over again.  She's not willing to change her mind on this, though, because there's something scary to her about a stranger staring at her from across a desk and the possibility of those little pills tumbling out into her hand every morning.  "I'm not seeing anyone just to have them tell me that I'm crazy."

"Okay."  Again, Nora feels incredibly relieve that it is Tony that she got stuck with, Tony who knows about the panic that hides underneath your skin and how the doctors and the therapists and the comfort might not help sometimes, Tony that won't force her to do anything she doesn't want because he's still new at this making rules thing.  "That's fine.  But you'll talk to me, right?"

Nora nods, thinking that if this is all he wants her to do, to cry out for him and then be dragged into the kitchen for comfort food, she can probably manage that.  "Okay,"  She says, and he smiles his tired smile that means that he's happy and proud of her, the same one he gives when she finally gets a concept after an hour of tutoring.  "I can do that."