dear evan hansen but evan's gay

the confrontation/the hidden truth

   When the bell rang for first period the next day, Evan was told by his teacher that the principal wanted to see him. He had never been confronted by a teacher before. He'd just done his work and kept quiet. But he couldn't just sit back down and decline going to the office. That would be rude and disrespectful, and that was the last thing Evan was. So he grabbed his things. As he walked out of the classroom, he saw Jared mouth, "What the fuck did you do?" from the back of the room.
   Through the hallways he went, thinking The same thing as Jared. What did he do? His whole life, he had stuck himself in the background so things like this wouldn't happen. Confrontation. What would his mom say? Would she yell at him? No, that was a stupid thought. Heidi Hansen had never risen her voice at him since he was very small. She wouldn't do that.
   Evan couldn't stop overthinking. Maybe it was just a talk about his grades? They were fine, but nowhere near extraordinary. They were average. So what was going on?
   When he walked into the office, the secretary at the front desk had a sad look on her face, a look of pity. She saw Evan and smiled at him with all the sympathy she could muster. She then pointed towards the the back of the office and said, "Back there, sweetheart." He looked at her meekly, gave a small smile with a nod of thanks, and headed back to where Principal Howard's office was. He was afraid he would get lost in the office, for he'd never really been inside there before. Luckily, the room he was looking for was easy to find.
   Inside the office was not Mr. Howard. In his place with a couple around his mother's age, if not a bit older. The man wore a business suit, his gray hair combed back. The woman was in a simple blouse and jeans, and her face seemed  to be puffy from crying. Her red hair was wild from only what could have been fingers running through it. They both sat on one of the couches, a solemn and sad look on their faces. Just like the secretary.
   The man got up as soon as Evan entered the room. "Good morning," Evan said nervously. "I-is Mr. Howard...? Sorry. I'm sorry, um, they said for me to go to the principal's office?" The man walked towards Evan and said with a deep voice, "Mr. Howard stepped out."
   Evan figured he was supposed to come back later, so he just muttered an, "Oh," and turned towards the door. The man started to talk again before Evan could leave. "We wanted to speak with you in private. If you'd like to maybe have a seat?" He motioned towards the chair in front of the couch. Evan slowly sat on the edge of the seat and took his backpack off, his guard still up and ready to move if anything bad happened.
   Then some words came out of the man's mouth that made Evan actually want to run. Then again, what didn't make him want to run? "We're Connor's parents," the man said, still standing. Evan's mind was racing with thoughts. What if they found the letter? Even worse, what if Connor had showed it to them? Was he in trouble? Did Connor hate him now? He couldn't have Connor hating him. That would tear him apart. All these emotions were rushing through him with doubt and worry, but all he could say was, "Oh." Again. Evan slouched so much in his chair that it looked like he was shrinking away.
   The woman, or Connor's mother, search her purse for something until she found a folded sheet of paper. "Go ahead, honey," Connor's father said, touching a hand to her back. "I'm going as fast as I can," she replied, her eyes closed with pain, her voice cracking. "That's not what I said, is it?" the man shot shown as he sat down beside her.
   Connor's mother unfolded the paper and handed it to Evan. Evan's heart was pounding in his chest. "This is... Connor, he wanted you to have this," she said. Evan looked down at the paper only to see his own words staring back at him.
   "We never heard your name before, Connor never mentioned you. And then we saw... 'Dear Evan Hansen.'" The man gestured towards the paper. "Did he give this to you?" Evan asked in fear.
   "We didn't know you two were friends. Or, more than friends from what we can tell. It's a very... intimate letter," the man continued. Evan was shocked. "You... think we were... dating?"
   "We didn't think Connor had any friends, much less a boyfriend. We knew he was gay, but... And then we see this, this letter, and it suggests pretty clearly that you and Connor were... you know. It's right there, 'Dear Evan Hansen,' it's addressed to you, he wrote it to you."
   "You think this... you think Connor wrote this to me?"
   That's when the woman finally spoke up. "These are the words he wanted to share with you. This is what he wanted you to have," she spoke lowly.
   "His last words," the man added.
   "Excuse me?" Evan stuttered. "What- what do you mean by his last words?"
   The man and the woman looked at each other as tears welled up in the woman's eyes. Evan had his suspicions, but it wasn't said yet. He wouldn't believe it until they said it. He couldn't.
   "Connor, uh. Connor took his own life," the man said. Evan could tell that the woman was full-on crying now. His entire world came crashing to his feet. Time stood still. He'd known Connor for years, loved him for about the same amount of time. Memories flashed in his head. Small smirks when they both sat in the back of the classroom, a soothing voice while reading for the class, the smell of sandalwood, dark humor that was usually offensive but always funny. Also the bad things. Throwing printers and tears in bathrooms during 5th period lunch. The long-sleeved sweaters accidentally lifting up to reveal scars better hidden. The skipping school and faint smell of pot. All of the things that made Connor... well, Connor. Evan could barely breathe. It was like his lungs were collapsing and nothing would ever be able to open them up again. All he could say without screaming was, "He- he what?"
   The sound was more of a squeak than actual words, but Connor's father didn't seem to notice. "This is all we found with him. We found it folded up in his pocket. You can see that he was trying to explain it, why-" He cut himself off and swallowed, as if trying not to get emotional. Evan could see Connor's mother crying hard next to his father. This wasn't a joke. This was real.
   "'I wish that everything were different, I wish that I were apart of something, I wish anything I said mattered to anyone-'" the man read. His wife cut him off in a wave of emotion. "Larry, please stop it!"
   Evan couldn't let this poor couple believe this. Their pain was too great to see. "Okay but that's- this is not, um. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Connor didn't write this."
   "What does that mean?" the woman asked, sniffling.
   "Connor d-didn't write this." Evan finally turned to look at them.
   "What does he mean?" the woman hysterically asked her husband.
   "He's obviously in shock," Larry responded.
   "No, no, it's just, he didn't! Sorry, I have to go, I should really go." Evan stood and grabbed his backpack. The woman stood with him, continuing to ask what he meant. She was in hysterics, tears streaming down her face. Evan's anxiety got to him, and he almost cried. He hated being yelled at. He just closed his eyes tightly and kept saying that he had to leave and how he was sorry. Larry grabbed his wife's arm. She turned to him and yelled, "This is all we have, this is the only thing we have left!" as he yelled back, "Listen to me, Cynthia!"
   Cynthia just stopped and sobbed, her hands buried in her face. "You should take this, please, take it," Evan offered, holding the paper out for her to take. She took it as she tried to catch her breath. And then a look of wonder spread across her face. "Larry, look. His cast. Signed by his boyfriend."
   Evan had totally forgotten about Connor's name being scrawled across his cast. With this, he couldn't deny anything. They wouldn't believe him if he told them the truth now.

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   That night, Evan had to tell Jared what happened. How could he not? He had to let it out, and Jared was curious on what had happened at the principal's office anyways.
   After Evan told him what happened, Jared immediately said, "Holy shit!"
   "I didn't say anything, I mean, I just, I couldn't say anything," Evan explained. All Jared say was, "Holy. Fucking. Shit!"
   "They invited me over for dinner tomorrow. They want to know more about Connor and I's... relationship," Evan contributed. "Well, what are you gonna tell them?" Jared demanded.
   "The truth."
   "The truth. Really? You're gonna go to the Murphy's' house and explain that the only thing they have left of their son is some weird sex letter you wrote to yourself? You know, you could go to jail for this, if you get caught!" Jared exclaimed.
   "But I didn't even do anything!" Evan protested.
   "Yeah, I hate to tell you this, Evan, but you may have already perjured yourself."
   "Isn't that only when you're under oath, like in a court room?"
   "Well aren't you under oath?! In a way?!"
   "No."
   Evan could see Jared rub his temples through the computer screen. He hated talking over the phone, so they were on Skype instead. "Look," Jared started. "Do you wanna listen to me or do you wanna have another mental breakdown like last year in English when you were supposed to give that speech about Daisy Buchanan, but you just stood there looking at your cards, saying, 'Um, um,' over and over again like you were having a brain aneurysm?"
   "Okay, well, what do you expect me to do, just keep lying?" Evan shot back.
   "I didn't say lie! All you have to do is just nod and confirm. Whatever they say about Connor, just nod your head and say, 'Yeah, that's true.' Don't contradict, and don't make shit up! It's foolproof. Literally nothing I tell my parents is true, and they have no idea."
   "They were so sad, his parents," Evan said with an upset tone. "His mom was just... I've never seen anyone so sad before."
   "Well then, good thing you're about to tell her the truth about your sex letter. I'm sure that will cheer her right up!"
   Evan had to go to sleep after that, but both his mind and heart were still racing. He couldn't believe Connor was gone. His Connor. The Connor he'd loved from a distance for years. It hurt his heart. He was never going to see him again, ever. Never would catch a glance of his long locks of hair as he turned a corner in the halls. Never get to apologize for his letter. And though he barely knew him the way others had, Evan felt in his heart that he would miss him forever.

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Ahh I'm sorry my chapters take forever, I'm super busy. Ugh. I'll try harder. Sorry my dudes.