dear evan hansen but evan's gay

the first day

Evan Hansen walked into school with a smile on his face and a pep in his step. Well, until he actually stepped into the building. That's when his smile turned into his eyes widening, and he started stumbling over his feet. That's when he realized he'd made a mistake. He should've faked being sick and stayed home in his safe bed.
He stood in the walkway contemplating whether he should run or stick it out when another student, a girl named Alana Beck, bounced up to him, smiling from ear to ear. She looked happier than she should have been. "Hi! How was your summer?" she asked cheerfully. Evan was at a loss for words. He has definitely talked to Alana before, but the sudden interaction took him aback. He wanted to go hide in the bathroom. Fortunately, before he was able to respond, Alana interrupted. "Mine was productive!" she bragged, and she proceeded to list her endless hours of community service and summer internships. She finished with a,"Even though I was so busy, I still made some great friends. Or, well, acquaintances more like." All the the while, Evan was wondering whether he should ask her to sign his cast. It's what his mom would have wanted.
"Do you wanna, um, maybe sign my cast?" Evan asked, sticking his broken arm out awkwardly and reaching for the Sharpie in his pocket. Alana just gasped. "Oh my God, what happened to your arm?" she asked. Evan blushed. "Oh, well, I broke it, I was climbing a tree-"
Alana cut him off once again. "My grandma broke her hip getting into the bathtub in July. It was the beginning of the end the doctors said because then she died." Evan couldn't have felt more out of place. Hiding seemed like the greatest idea at the moment. Thankfully, just before he was about to book it, Alana waved, said,"Happy first day!" and bounced off. Yeah, truly an amazing start to the first day. Evan was alone once again.
But not for long. Another student had come up to Evan in the mess of things, but this student was one that Evan knew better than he knew Alana. Jared Kleinman, his only friend. "Is it weird to be the first person in history to break your arm from jacking off too much or do you consider that an honor?" Jared asked casually. In the crowded hall, Evan was mortified. "No, no, that's not what happened, I wasn't doing that!"
Jared gave him a pointed look and ignored him. "Just paint the picture. You're scrolling through Connor Murphy's Instagram on your weird, off-brand cell phone-" he started. Evan was quick to shut him down. "You don't even like Connor! You're straight!" he exclaimed. Jared then grew a dreamy look. "You're right. But his sister's a score." Evan's face grew red as Jared went through countless scenarios in his head. Evan had to change the subject back to his arm. Fast.
   "Well, it's, um, it's not like it even matters because that's not how it happened. Obviously. I was just, um, climbing a tree and I fell," he said matter-of-factly. By Jared'd reaction, he thought maybe he should have just rolled with the jacking-off story. "You fell out of a tree? What are you, an acorn?"
   Evan decided the ignore this comment. It was Jared, after all. His humor tended to be pretty dry, which didn't always work out well for him.
   "I don't know if you know this, but I worked as an apprentice park ranger at Ellison State Park this summer, I'm sort of, um, a tree expert now, not to, um, brag or anything," Evan stuttered, trying to redeem his ever-lessening dignity. It wasn't working, for Jared looked like he really didn't care, but Evan kept talking. He told him of the forty-foot tall oak tree he tried to climb and failed. "It's a funny story actually because there was a solid ten minutes after I fell where I just laid there, um, on the ground, waiting for someone to come get me, I was just like, 'Any second now.' I was saying, 'Any second now and here they come.'"
   "Did they?"
   "No, nobody came. That's the, um, that's what's funny."
   "Jesus Christ."
   That just made Evan look more like a loser than he already did. Which wasn't wrong, but he didn't want to seem like one. So, instead of continuing to talk, he put the focus on Jared. "How did, um, how was your summer?"
   He listened as Jared talked on about his bunk at camp, Capture the Flag, and something about the Army. And once he finished, he began to walk away. Before he got far, Evan called, "Do you. Uh. Do you wanna, um, sign my cast?"
   Jared turned back around. "Why are you asking me?"
   "Well, I just, I thought because we're friends."
   This got Jared to walk back to Evan and put a hand on his shoulder. "We're family friends, that's, like, a whole different thing, and you know it. Okay? Tell your mom to tell my mom I was nice to you, or my parents won't pay for my car insurance," he said solemnly. Evan just nodded.
   And then a god-forsaken miracle happened. The heavens were singing and crying at the same time. Evan's world lit up, and everyone else's dimmed darker than it already was. Evan couldn't believe his eyes. Connor Murphy had walked into the building. And he was high. Oh boy, was he high. He was higher than the Empire State Building. He walked like he had woken up five minutes ago, which was probably true. But he was at school, and it was a miracle, and Evan was happy.
   Then Jared opened his big mouth and ruined it. "Hey Connor! Love the new hair length! It's very school shooter chic," he called. Evan had the urge to smack a hand over Jared's mouth, but he couldn't do it. Not in front of all these people. But Connor looked really good with the new length. The dark hair curled down to his shoulders if not a little longer. He looked like a prince wearing all black. Evan was digging it. As he thought about why Connor had grown out his hair, Connor, like a sloth, began to slowly turn and walk towards them.
   Evan silently cursed. He knew Jared did this for a reason, but he didn't know whether it was in spite of him or to help him. Either way, the turnout would not be good. As Connor approached them, a heavy feeling sank in his gut. The look on Connor's face was not one he wanted.
   He stopped right in front of Jared and Evan, his eyebrows lifted. "I was kidding, it was a joke," Jared drawled. Connor just stood there a moment before saying, with a hint of sarcasm, "Yeah, no, it was funny, I'm laughing." A few seconds passed, and no one said a word. Connor's eyebrows drew together as he leaned towards Jared and Evan. "Am I not laughing hard enough for you?"
   Jared just looked at Evan with a confused look. A look that said, "Why the hell are you attracted to this guy?" Then he looked back at Connor and shook his head, throwing his hands up in the air. "You're such a freak," he laughed as he started down the hall, slinging his slightly worn backpack across his shoulder.
   Evan didn't know what to do. Jared had called his love a freak and left. He had left him with Connor Murphy. Alone. This was maybe the most terrifying and embarrassing moment Evan had ever faced in his life. He'd only talked to Connor once, and that had consisted of many "um"s and apologizing. All he'd had to do was ask a few questions about what they'd read in class that day in junior year, but it turned out Connor had skipped to smoke pot in the teacher's lounge. That interaction hadn't gone well.
   Somehow, a laugh escaped from Evan's lips. It wasn't a laugh that had any meaning; it was just a sound to fill the silence. This was a mistake for Evan to add to his long long long list.
   "What the fuck are you laughing at?" Connor asked angrily, his voice raised. Evan suddenly felt his face go tomato red. He tried to protest that he didn't mean to laugh, but Connor wasn't having it. "Stop fucking laughing! You think I'm the freak? No, you're the fucking freak!" he yelled, straight in Evan's face.
   And then Evan was on the ground and his non-broken upper arm was hurting and Connor was stomping away behind him. He laid there for a second, thinking how totally wrong that had gone. How he should've told Connor he liked his hair that way. No one stopped to help him up. It was exactly like when he broke his arm at the park. But people were there this time, and not one came to ask if he was okay.
    Evan had always been the outsider in what seemed like a glamorous show. The person that plays one note on the triangle in a musical masterpiece. As he ran to the bathroom to check for bruises, he wished he was more than what he was. A loner, a loser, a weird guy that no one wanted to talk to. Not even Connor Murphy, the guy who threw a printer at Mrs. G in the fifth grade. He wished he was more than Evan Hansen, the kid who couldn't even speak one word in front of the class during their fall presentation last year. Of course, Connor had been in the room during the presentation, but Evan doubted he could have done it even without Connor there.
   On his way out of the bathroom, he felt a light touch on his arm. It was Zoe Murphy, wearing a floral top and jeans, her hair slightly curled and only a bit longer and lighter than her brother's. If Evan wasn't gay, he would have been in the same boat as Jared. "Hey, I'm sorry about my brother, I just saw him push you. He's a psychopath. Evan, right?"!
   Evan, being caught by surprise (AGAIN!), just said, "Evan."
   "That's your name..." Zoe confirmed.
   "Yes! Evan. It's Evan. Sorry."
   "Why are you sorry?" The poor girl looked genuinely confused.
   "No it's just you said Evan and then I said Evan, and I repeated it which is just so annoying when people do that so."
   "I'm Zoe." She held her hand out for him to shake. Instead of shaking it like any normal person, he wiped his hand on his shirt. He was not having another moment like when he tried to talk to her brother at the jazz band concert.
   "Yes, I know," he states.
   "You... know?"
   "Yes! It's just I've seen you play guitar in jazz band, I love jazz band, I love jazz, well, not all types of jazz, but definitely, like, jazz band jazz, that's so weird I'm sorry."
   Zoe just giggled. "You apologize a lot."
   "Sorry."
   She started to walk away when Evan called, "Do you wanna sign my cast?" The words flew out of his mouth, and they were very crushed. Zoe barely knew what he had said. "What?"
   Evan panicked. It was like a giant "ABORT MISSION" sign had gone off in his head. "What? What did you say?" he practically yelled.
   "I didn't say anything, you said something," Zoe protested. Evan pointed at himself and looked around. "No, um, me? No way... Jose."
   She started walking away from him again and gave him a thumbs up. "Okay. Jose."
   As soon as she was out of sight, Evan face-palmed himself and sighed. What was he doing? He should just keep his mouth shut and limit as much human interaction as possible. He started to slump down the hallway in the opposite direction he was supposed to go, thinking about how awful this day had already started. It was going to be a great year.

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IM SORRY