My Hole of Shame and Regrets

Anxiety Showing

Of course it had to rain the one time I left my flat. But this was important. As terrifying as outside was, I was going to see Markiplier's live show. Honestly, since I moved to London, I didn't think I'd be able to see Mark anywhere, but now I actually had a chance. To make it more exciting, I'd actually be able to see my friends again, who I hadn't seen in what felt like forever. 

I ran into the theater, my clothes pretty much soaked at this point. I knew I should've brought an umbrella. Well, it was too late to go back and change now.

 There was already a large crowd inside the building, making my feel really anxious. I just hid in the corner of the room, pulling out my phone and trying to do anything that didn't involve social interaction.

It felt like hours before they allowed us to go into the hallway leading to the main stage area. On the walls were brightly colored posters, showing the other performances that were once presented here. I surveyed them as I continued down the hall full of people. I reached into my pocket to find my ticket. It was a good thing I had gotten it in advance since I'd get decent seats, but at the same time I wouldn't be by any of my friends. I hadn't even seen any of them yet.

I finally found my seat in the huge room. It was actually a lot better than I thought it would as far as the view went, but there were so many people. I curled myself into a little ball, overwhelmed. Even with my eyes closed, I could hear the chatter of all the people around me.

This was dumb. It's not like I was gonna be on stage performing a show. I was just sitting there doing nothing and yet I was so nervous. I felt so alone and exposed. Maybe coming to this wasn't a good idea. 

A hush fell over the crowd as the lights dimmed. The show was about to start. And then the screaming started as Mark entered along with his friends. My stomach dropped and I suddenly felt nauseous. It felt like I couldn't breathe. 

"Hey, are you okay?" a voice next to me asked. I could barely hear him over all the commotion. I stared at the guy in shock. I must be going insane or hallucinating. My anxiety was literally driving me crazy. Phil Lester was sitting next to me and asking me if I was okay. 

"No..." I managed to mutter. He turned around and said something to the guy sitting next to him, who I recognised as Dan. My brain was in too much shock for me to register what was happening. 

"Is it okay if we go into the hall until you calm down?" he asked me. I nodded slowly and he helped me up and walked me to the exit. I blinked a few times, my eyes adjusting to the bright lights. 

"I'm Phil," he introduced himself. 

"I-I know," I replied, trying to breathe. I was suddenly aware of how much I was trembling. I wasn't sure if it was from my anxiety or if my fangirl instincts were taking over, but either way I wasn't okay. 

My eyes were blurry with tears. I hadn't even realized I was crying. Ugh, I must have looked like a complete wreck. Just what I needed when I'm with one of the most amazing people in the world. 

It took me a minute to register that Phil was hugging me. My arms were awkwardly just hanging there and I was just staring with wide eyes in shock. 

"Hey, it's gonna be okay. Just try to breathe. Everything will be alright. I'm right here," his calm voice soothed me and I took a few shaky breaths. After a while, I stopped trembling and relaxed. He finally let me go.

"Thank you..." I said quietly. He gave me an adorable smile, which melted my heart. How was it possible for one person to be so freaking cute? 

"No problem," he said. I studied the floor, suddenly feeling guilty.

"You missed the beginning of the show because of me," I realized. 

"Hey, I can watch Mark pretty much whenever. It's not everyday that I can help someone with a panic attack." While that made me feel slightly better, I knew it wasn't quite true. I'm sure a lot of people have watched his videos to help calm themselves down. 

"Wanna head back inside?" he asked me.

"You go ahead. I just need another minute," I told him. He gave me a skeptical look, but continued into the theater. 

What the heck had just happened? I went to a Markiplier show, met Phil, got hugged by Phil... This was insane. It had to be a dream or something. Even so, it was an awesome dream.

As I headed back to the theater, I heard some ruffling from behind me. I whirled around, not sure what to expect. 

"Helen?" I asked in disbelief. Sure enough, my friend Helen was in the hall, one of the posters rolled up in her hand. 

"Oh, hi, Sarah," she said. I gave her a confused look.

"What are you doing, exactly?" I questioned. She shrugged.

"The poster? It's mine now. Not important. We should head back to watch the show," Helen stated. Still confused, I followed my friend back inside. This was not what I had imagined when I bought tickets to this show.