Holding On

Chapter 2

*GORDA translates to fat but is also used as a cute name when referring to someone you love.* 

"I packed you something special for lunch. Breakfast is ready, mi amor." Mom says waking me up as she leaned her large frame on the door. I squint, trying to focus my vision and nod my head in approval. "I'll be down in a second. What time is it?" I ask knowing that my alarm didn't even go off yet. "Es temprano (it's early), I thought it'd be nice to drop you kids off at school before I go to work." I grunt as I slide my body off of the love of my life, my number one, my everything, the one and only, my bed. "No sea tan perezosa, Gorda (Don't be so lazy, hun)." She not only left my room but left me feeling like crap. "Gorda." I whisper yell at her and get up from my bed. I look at myself in the mirror and run my fingers over my curves. The only thing I can think of was what Hannah had in mind to help me lose weight. I frown slightly thinking of how much cardio she's probably gonna have me do and how much clean foods she'll stuff me with. My phone buzzed catching my attention. "1 NEW MESSAGE" from the Facebook app. 

H: Gm (good morning), ready 2 start ur day off right? - 6:30 AM

V: I guess so, what's the plan? - 6:30 AM

H: Skip breakfast, I've got something 4 u - 6:31 AM

Just the thought of skipping breakfast made the hair on the back of my neck stand tall. 

V: What? Skip breakfast? R u crazy? -6:32 AM

H: Do u want to lose weight or not? - 6:32 AM

V: Fine, c u later -6:32 AM

H: good, see u soon! -6:33 AM 

My stomach began to growl as a sign of hunger. "Feed me, feed me," I mumbled as I grabbed my rolls. "I'm going to eat, she doesn't have to know I did." I then take another look in the mirror. My double chin was noticeable from a mile away, my puffy cheeks made me look like a chipmunk, and my arm fat was peeking out from how tight my nightgown was. "Okay, maybe I shouldn't." I sigh and head downstairs. 

Carlos was already drinking coffee with Mom and Dad, everyone dressed and ready to start the day. "Buenos días (good morning), Gorda." My dad spat out probably a whole chunk of chewed-up arepa. I close my eyes and wished the sting of that word wouldn't hurt me. "Why do you guys call me that?" I ask as I serve myself a mug of coffee and proceeded to add milk and sugar. "Que (what)?" My dad looks up at me, lifting his bushy eyebrows that were in need of a trim. "It's cause you're fat, duh." Carlos laughed and smeared his bread with I can't believe it's not butter, butter. I look over at my parents, both looking somewhat guilty and avoiding conversation. "Oye (hey), don't be silly... We call you gorda con cariño (with love)." Mom chipped in and as she got up, I looked at how her shirt was being eaten by her large overlapping rolls that developed over the years, not from her previous pregnancies but from eating pure junk. I swallow loudly and when I was about to open my mouth to reply but Dad took the spotlight. "But Vale, mi amor (my love), we've been meaning to talk to you about your weight... You are getting a little bit heavier and no se ve bien (it doesn't look good). You should maybe consider losing a little bit of weight. We were thinking of offering a gym mem-" I felt anger rise inside me and I slam my hand so hard on the table that everything shook. "YOU GUYS ARE JUST AS FAT AS I AM! Look at you with grease flowing down your face, you're a pig! And you!" I say pointing to my shocked mother. "You are double my size! You don't have any excuses, you can't blame your pregnancies anymore because that was forever ago!" Tears began to make their way down my cheeks and silence rose to the scene. "Valeria, stop," Carlos suggested and grabbed my arm. I turn over to look at my 'always-perfect' brother. "Shut up. You're no different, having your ego always fed by them as if you were to save this family from crashing down into failure." "Hey, I understand how you fee-" he tried to empathize. "HA! As if you will ever understand how it feels to compare yourself to skinny, happy girls, to have to sit at the beach in a large t-shirt and wear shorts experiencing heat strokes because OTHER people get offended seeing my figure, you were never called a beached whale, fat ass, obese, gross, disgusting, you were never told to lose weight!" I huffed as everyone stayed silent, staring at me as if I murdered someone. I got up from my seat, ran up to my room, and slammed the door shut. I looked in the mirror and began to strip, only to lay my eyes on my large canvas. I couldn't help but burst out in tears that stung my eyes red. I dug my nails into my skin, deep enough to draw blood. "I hate you," I whispered as I looked at myself in the mirror. "You don't deserve to eat." I mumbled and grabbed my large stomach. Failure. 

As I finished applying concealer under my eyes to help hide the fact that I had a breakdown early that morning there was a knock on the door. "What do you want?" I ask as my mother took a seat on my bed. "Amor (love), please listen to me. We only wanted to help you, I don't want you to get to my size. You are a beautiful girl, mi amor, and to see you lose your beautiful figure, it'd be such a waste. Think about your father's offer." She held a plastic bag on her lap and proceeded to leave it on the edge of my bed. I turn around and with no hesitation, I say, "I'm taking the bus." 

"Val! Wait up!" I could hear footsteps advancing toward me. "Hey, Hannah," I spoke softly, already exhausted in the early morning having dealt with such extreme anger. "Did you eat yet?" She asked. "As instructed, I haven't. I've only had coffee." We walked in sync heading towards the bathroom, Hannah leading the way. "Pure black coffee, I hope. Avoid adding milk or sugar, it's just extra calories you don't need." I felt my cheeks go red. "Okay, pure black coffee, got it." I flipped my phone out and typed it down on my notes app. "So, like I was telling you earlier, I've brought you something!" She handed me a tiny bag full of pills. "I don't use these anymore but I did back when I started my weight loss journey. They're diet pills, take two a day. One with each meal." She chirped and closed my hand creating a fist, holding the gift she granted me with. "Two meals per day?" I ask concerned, worried about how I would hide this sudden change from my parents. "Yeah. Breakfast and dinner. OR lunch, dinner, or breakfast and lunch. If you skip one meal, you'll lose weight faster, I promise." I stared into her eyes, she looked trusting and it looked like she meant well. "I'll text you more info later, okay? Gotta get to first period!" She hopped away and I was left alone with my lunch, diet pills, and uncertainty. Hannah's only allowing me to have two meals a day so I gripped my mom's specially prepared lunch and got into the handicapped stall. I opened the bag only to be hit with the beautiful smell of meaty, cheesy empanadas. My favorite food in the universe. I swallowed ever so loudly and thought of how I shouldn't eat it but I really wanted to. My stomach growled louder than it did at home. I quickly looked at the time. "8:45 AM". I have to plan my meals wisely if I want to be able and sleep the hunger off at night. I decided to eat it during my last class. My phone buzzed alerting me of a text message. "Txt me when u r going to eat" from an unknown number. Assuming it was Hannah I sent the thumbs up emoji. The only thing I looked forward to later that day was to eat.