Holding On

Chapter 3

-TRIGGER WARNING: PURGING, do not try this at home- 

"When did you start seeing results?" I asked Hannah as we walked towards one of the many lunch tables. "Well, since I was so big, my weight loss was quick and noticeable at the beginning. My clothes began to sag, my face slimmed down, I lost inches...it was all so drastic and wonderful." She commented. The way she spoke of her journey made my heart flutter, it motivated me, making me want to actually lose weight. I took out my empanada and took a deep breath, inhaling all the homey scents. "What's that?" Hannah asked and snatched it from my hand. She proceeded to squeeze it slightly and the disgust on her face was evident. "Do you see that?" She asked, squeezing a little more. "The cheese?" I questioned as my heart raced just thinking of the amazing taste of the melted cheese dancing its way into my mouth as my taste buds kiss the longing savory juices that I've been craving for so long. "No, well yes, but that's not the point. The oil, the fat, the main thing that's holding you back and making you bigger by the day." She handed the once-perfect empanada that she made look guilty in less than a minute back to me. "I suggest you not eat it because that one empanada adds up to your daily calorie intake. Calories in, calories out, that is the secret to weight loss." She took out a container that had a small red apple cut up into fours, two rice cakes, and a protein bar. "Four hundred sixty-seven (467). Not only does watching your calorie intake make you realize how much you're truly eating but it gives you this sense of control. Gives you power. I mean, we are the ones with the control of what goes in and how we look. You know what I mean?" Hannah broke her rice cakes down into pieces and ate them ever so slowly. I felt guilt rush over me and I observed the love-filled empanada that my mother prepared and tossed in the garbage can. "How many calories should I eat then?" I asked ready to take notes. "Well, the recommended amount for a healthy weight loss is considered to be one thousand two hundred (1200) but the less you eat the more you lose. Common sense, really." I stared at her eating her food that probably wouldn't even fill up a toddler. "Is that all you're eating?" I pointed towards her small meal imagining how hungry I'd still feel if I limited myself as much as she did. "Today? Haha, you're funny. Of course not, silly. Your brother invited me over for dinner tonight so I'm saving calories for later. I don't want to work out today so, better keep it low or else it'd be hours of cardio. Anyway, I forgot to ask, what time should I head to your place?" So it was true, no lie was told by Carlos and that of course left me shocked. "Uh, um, well food is usually ready by six (6), you could come by then. I think mom's making pasta tonight, do you think I could fast till then and enjoy a bowl without overdoing it?" Hannah just smiled and looked at me with a 'Oh, I've got so much to teach you' face. 

"Oh, it's so nice to meet you, Hannah! I'm Patricia, Carlos' mother, this is Roberto, his father, and by the looks of it you've met my daughter, Valeria." The fake happiness was spewing out of my mother's pores, she was even sweating off her makeup which gave the impression of her being nervous. "It's a pleasure to meet Carlos' Familia (family). Did I say that right?" She giggled and headed inside with a platter wrapped in aluminum foil. My stomach growled just by smelling the seasoning of the spaghetti salsa that filled the whole house with a tasteful scent. "It smells, delicious! I hope you don't mind but I've brought some dessert. I made it myself." Hannah proceeded to remove the foil and exposed a stack of chocolate chip brownies, some covered in nuts and others with more chocolate frosting. The smell hit my nose and left me with goosebumps traveling up my back. "That looks so good it's making my mouth water, Hannah. But not as amazing as how hot you look tonight." Carlos grabbed Hannah by the waist and pulled her close. "Bueno, bueno (okay, okay), Vamos (let's go), let's eat up our dinner to be able to enjoy the brownies Hannah baked when we're done," Dad ordered, staring at Carlos with that be careful with where you put your hands, hijo (son). 

"And then, I found myself telling the woman at the store, 'Did you know that the first french fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece!" Hannah exclaimed and had the whole table roaring with laughter. I looked at her plate noticing she hadn't touched her food one bit. I looked down at mine, empty. I observed my parents and Carlos' plates and they were halfway finished. I chugged down my cup of water and found myself looking for the brownies. Why am I still hungry?  "Gorda, can you get the dessert plates?" I hear my dad call out for me taking me out thought. The fire in my heart burned even stronger, didn't he learn his lesson after my scolding earlier that morning? "Oh, I'll help!" Hannah popped up from her chair and she quickly placed Carlos' plate onto hers. She looked at me and we both made our way to the kitchen. "You didn't eat anything, how do you get away with it?" I interrogated her with questions that triggered an interest in me. "Easy... You gotta keep them distracted. Keep them entertained with stories, and watch them eat. Wipe your mouth often and take sips from your drink once in a while, makes it look like you just took a bite." She tossed her pasta back into the pot and placed the empty plate into the dishwasher. She made it seem so easy and that frustrated me. "Ready for dessert?" Hannah lifted her brow amusingly. 

H: U ate 2 much tonight 

V: Ik (I know), what do i do?

H: U really wanna get rid of the food?

V: I'll do anything

H: Stick ur finger down ur throat 

V: u want me to throw up?

H: No, u want urself to vomit

V: Will it get rid of everything??? 

H: Chug a liter of water and keep going at it till all u see is water 

V: I'm scared :(

H: it happens, u'll get over it (Hannah then gives Valeria tips on purging - will not give tips)

V: ok, c u later...

H: keep me updated 

V: offline 

Everyone was asleep by this time and I sat in bed feeling like complete crap. I stare at myself in the mirror and squint. "You fat pig. YOU are disgusting." I feel goosebumps form from the anger that is built inside me. I wasn't privileged enough to have a bathroom in my own room so if I wanted to purge, I'd have to risk getting heard in the middle of the hall. It was a risk I was willing to take. I tiptoed to the restroom that was located in front of my room and between my parents and Carlos' room. I ran the shower and grabbed the cup that sat nicely on the sink ready to be used to rinse mouths but its purpose tonight was to hold water that would be chugged down by a teenage girl who'd make a huge mistake. After drinking five cups of water I felt my stomach expand so much that it hurt and I felt extremely sick. I bent over and began to punch myself in the stomach. I jabbed my finger down my throat and all that it provoked was warm tears flowing down my cheeks. "Come on!" I screamed at myself and the more I tried to throw up the more I felt like a failure. "You can't even fucking purge!" I whisper yelled into the mirror. My eyes were red from the tears, my face could be mistaken for a tomato, and I looked like trash. I kept eyeing my toothbrush and gave in to trying to use it. I gagged for a few minutes and finally, chunks of chocolate, pasta, and red sauce came spewing out of my mouth. Lightheaded, shaking, and sick to my stomach, I felt like I was meeting death on this horrible night. After throwing up for what seemed like forever, I brushed my teeth and washed my face. The clock read "12:40 AM" and all I can think of was sleep and food.