Random Drabbles

emptiness

Loneliness- what are you? You aren't an emotion as far as I can tell, but a state of being. You haunt me at the worst hours of day and night. You are the utter darkness and despair I try so desperately to avoid every waking hour, and yet, you manage to slip through the cracks of my steel wall. In a way, you're the only one I can truly rely on to be near when everyone else spits on me and turns their backs.

With you, I don't feel awkward. The anxiousness of your being stays, but I bathe in that anxiety. I relish in the fact that I can feel this way even when no-ones around; it almost makes me feel normal. But still, I despise you. You make me feel things that churn my insides and shred my heart. I will often question myself if everyone hates me to the point that I'm just an empty shell. Do they not see me as a human? A person with emotions? Even so, I deserve to be treated as such.

I find you disgusting, loneliness. Not only do you prey on me when I'm alone, you choose to do so when I'm in a crowd. It's suffocating, to be completely honest. I can't breathe when you pull a sharp turn like that. I feel so empty during these times- but that's just utter blasphemy to you. Sometimes I feel like I'm your main target. When I decide to contact one of my closest friends when I feel attacked with panic, they're busy. I'm stuck in my own little world- but that's how I always am.

I fear you. When I'm supposed to be social, the anxiety and awkward tendencies kick in. So, I sit there. Then you sit down next to me. What am I supposed to do? If I go on my phone, my parents will scold me. Why do you show up at the worst of times? You're the devil's ache, aren't you? You bring me real tears.

Thank you, loneliness. Thank you for being there when no-one else was.