How To Get A Boyfriend (FOR PUSSIES)

"He's supposed to make the first move."

Oh ladies ladies.

Today we will be discussing the predicament of the first move.

Maybe it's just me, but all my girlfriends are pussies. They won't say a damn word to their crush, much less make a move.

First of all, if he has no clue that you even have a crush on him, how the fuck do you expect him to make the first move? A lot of my friends think that the guy should be the one to talk to them, to text first, to ask them out.

Bitch no.

If you really want something done in life, you gotta do it yourself. It's really not that fucking hard to ask the guy out or double text. You won't come off as desperate and despite what you may think, many guys appreciate a girl who is willing to make the first move.

On the other hand, if you have the time to complain to me about this...boy, then you certainly have the time to plan your first move. And if you are going to worry about other girls liking him, then just fucking ask him out. It's really that simple.

Plus, I honestly feel bad for the guys. Like give them a break girls, think about how hard it must be for them to always be the one to talk to you guys. Especially as you don't make it any easier for them, with your obnoxious giggles and squealing.

It's really fucking hard.

So last chapter, we already covered how to talk to your crush. Now, let's talk about asking them out.

This involves talking, so if you can talk, congrats you already have the basics covered. If you don't, I'm sure sign language works just as well. Or morse, if you're a special snowflake.

Let's start off by talking about : Why should the guy be the one to make the first move?

Like what is the reasoning behind it? And why are girls so afraid to make the first move?

Perhaps it has to do with the men being masculine and blah blah. Fuck that. Once again, it's 2017, screw gender roles.

Plus aren't there like 52 genders anyway? 

Besides the point, there is nothing wrong for you to wear the pants in the relationship. You can ask him out, you can buy him flowers and shit, it really doesn't matter.

A lot of guys I talk to always complain about girls sending mixed signals. This is why I personally could never be a lesbian, because girls get on my nerves. If you don't initiate anything, guys won't know if you like them as a friend or more than a friend. It's fucking annoying when girls talk with guys and they're just like "haha yeah I like someone" and totally chickens out when the guy asks "Who?" Just say "you", it takes more energy to say the "uh I don't wanna say" bullshit.

What's the worst that could happen?

You're probably like "But Leah, I don't wanna get rejected."

Oh boohoo you got rejected, I guess it's time to kill yourself. Like no that's not how it works, because guess what, the world will go on and YOU will move on.

Not that hard of a concept.

Am I afraid of rejection? Hell yeah.

Does that stop me from doing stupid things ? Hell no. (Okay, this does not apply to things like drugs. Don't use this logic to get fucking high.)

Sure the first time might be the hardest, and now you're probably like "HOLDUP I have to do this more than ONE time??"

Yeah bitch, that's how a relationship works. If you tell him you like him, and you know the feeling is reciprocated than you can go on to ask him out.

But give it a little time in between, don't do that shit all on the same day. Give the guy some time to process your feelings, but DON'T go ignoring his ass the next day.

Especially if you confess and then you decide to go MIA on him, like damn you finally got the courage to tell him, and now you're going to be a pussy again? No no no.

You're going to confess, and continue your life like nothing happened. Be casual, but if he starts to make a move like hold hands or whatever, that's when you know it's about to be legit.

Also don't be too nervous, like what about this dude's face makes you blush so damn much? Or what does he say that makes you giggle and sweat like some dumb bitch?

That's like hearing the word "penis" and giggling because you are still 10. Anyone who has taken some sort of health class should have their shit in control.

What you want to do is be one to make him flustered. Yeah that's right. Make him seem like the dumb bitch here, don't be so nice and sweet about everything.

Especially if you're only do it to impress him and then when y'all actually start dating you become some serial killer.

Okay so now let's talk about how to make the first move...and not seem desperate, clingy, creepy, or just plain annoying.

1. Be friends first.
-bro if y'all ain't even friends you're going to come off a bit creepy
-like imagine some random dude coming up to you all nervous and shit, and then he asks you out
-obviously you're going to reject him like you don't even know this bitch
-I don't care if he looks like your future husband, don't date a guy you don't know shit about

2. Hang out one on one
-see this is basically a test, see if he's willing to hang out one on one
-if you're just that antisocial and don't want to be seen in public, the amazing invention called the "telephone" can be used
-talk on the phone and see if he's actually as chill as he seems in his Facebook, Twitter , and Instagram page you've been stalking
-if he is, time for step 3

3. Confess or get him to confess
-there is literally no way around this

AND CONGRATS YOU HAVE OFFICIALLY MADE THE FIRST MOVE-OR GOT HIM TO MAKE IT FOR YOU!

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Yo vote if your single ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ or just cause