Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 352: Sunday 13th August 2017 15:45

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Day 352
Sunday 13th August 2017 15:45

I'm so hungover.

After Matt had his big gay sex party yesterday he started pouring everyone shots of whisky from a bottle that was kept under reception. I really didn't want to get p*ssed because the last time I got drunk I fell into the sea and ended up with Mike p*ssing on me but the whisky was flowing and so all of us, apart from Courtney, got totally p*ssed.

After the first couple of shots I told Matt and the others that I didn't want any more. "Oh come on Nanna," said Matt, "You can handle a few more shots can't you?" "Yeah come on Nanna," said TJ, "Stop being a wuss. Let's have a drink with the gays . . . err. . I mean guys."

An hour or so later we were all p*ssed. Well TJ and I were. Matt and the others were just a bit merry. "Bl**dy Hell, Nanna," said Matt, "You're totally arseholed." "You were arseholed earlier on but in a different way," I said to Matt, which resulted in all of us laughing. "So come on," said Matt, looking at me, Mike and TJ. "Have you three ever shagged each other?" "God no," said TJ. "Yeah but you two have kissed before haven't you?" Mike said to me and TJ. "Shut up," TJ firmly and bluntly said to Mike. "We had to kiss in front of this woman so she'd give us some stuff," I said. "Have you two ever gone further than a kiss?" asked Matt. "Have we f*ck," snapped TJ. "Well you did wake up in bed naked together too didn't you?" said Mike. "Will. You. Shut. Up," said TJ with an aggressive tone. "How did that happen?" asked Matt. "We were p*ssed," I said. "Well if you carry on drinking like this, might we see a repeat?" asked Matt. "No f*cking way," said TJ, "You've got more chance of dropping a third b*llock." "Never say never," said Matt, "I always like to try most things at least once." "Well I'm not shagging either of these two," said TJ, "Luke's a f*cking loser and Mike's my brother." "I didn't know you were brothers," said Matt. "Only by blood," said a firm Mike. "You don't get many sets of gay brothers do you?" said Matt.

After a few more shots TJ and I were slurring our words. We ended up singing 'YMCA' and showing Matt and the others the dance moves. We ended up falling on the floor, slouched up against the wall, laughing our heads off. We looked up to see a disapproving Courtney looking down at us. "What's up with you?" she said, sounding angry, "You're grown adults and you're acting like children." "Oh f*ck off Delores Umbridge," snapped TJ. "Yeah chill out," I said. "Getting this p*ssed isn't a good idea considering where we are and the situation we're in," said Courtney. "I told you I wasn't a Nanna, look how cool I am now," I said. "Luke, you've had half of what Matt and the guys have had and you can't stand up," said Courtney. "Yes I can stand up," I said, "I'll show you!" I stood up, staggered, lost my balance and then fell over and landed on top of TJ. The two of burst into laughter. "What's up Nanna?" giggled TJ, "Can't you walk straight?" "You can't do anything straight you big closet," I said giggling. TJ and I rolled around on the floor as Courtney looked down at us, unimpressed. "You're idiots," she said. "Gay idiots!" I shouted. "That's right," said TJ, "We're all gay remember? Big fat f*cking gayers. I know what I was going to ask. Nanna, who would you choose out of me and Mike?" "Oh yeah," said Matt, "That's an interesting question. Come on Nanna, who would make the best boyfriend?" "Nanna's actually in love with Mike," said TJ, "That's why we call them Muke. Mike and Luke." "Well I'd be a better boyfriend than you," Mike said to TJ swaying from side to side on the sofa. "Yeah right," giggled TJ, "At the first sign of trouble you'd chuck him out of a window. A bit like you did with Alex." "Well you'd just turn your back and walk away at the first sign of trouble," said Mike, "A bit like you've done with your own kids." "Who's Alex?" asked Matt, "And how come you've got kids? I thought you were gay?" "The gays can have kids," I said wobbling from side to side. "Anyway, Nanna's had a big raging hard-on for me since we first met in the sexual health clinic," said TJ. "I've met loads of my shags in the sexual health clinic," said Matt. "Nanna would pick Mike for a wife but me for a lover," said TJ, pointing at Mike. "Look at him. He's still a f*cking virgin." "Well let's ask Nanna who he'd prefer," said Matt. "Come on Nanna," said TJ, hitting me on the arm, "I'm the obvious choice." "No you're not, said Mike, "Me and Luke have been through lots together." "Lots of what?" asked TJ, "Lube?" "Tell him, Luke," said Mike, "If you had to you'd pick me wouldn't you?" "No one would pick you, you f*cked up retard," said TJ. "Now come on," said Matt, "Let's play nice. It's just a bit of fun." "I'm a caring, considerate, loving person who loves Luke," said Mike. "You're a f*cking psycho," said TJ, "Everyone knows you are. Even Nanna here knows you are." "You don't think I'm a psycho do you, Luke?" asked Mike. "Course he does," said TJ, "What sort of weirdo sucks a bullet out of someone's arse you f*cking whack job." "Well you don't love anybody," said Mike, "Not even your own kids. You're not capable of love." "And you're not capable of opening your mouth without a load of sh*te falling out you f*cking nutter," said TJ, "No one would want you for a boyfriend. Why would they?" TJ put his arm around me and smiled. He was clearly baiting Mike. "Yeah, maybe after tonight, me and Nanna will be the best of mates." "Don't touch him!" Mike loudly snapped." "Come on, chill out," said Matt, "It's only meant to be a laugh. Come on Nanna, we're waiting for an answer. Who would you choose? Mike or TJ?" "I'll tell you who he'd choose," said TJ. He then grabbed my face and gave me a bit wet dog like snog on the lips. He then turned his head, gave Mike a smug grin and then looked at Matt. "I think after that award winning, pant tightening c*ck throbbing snog we all know that Nanna would choose me," TJ said with a cocky tone. "No, he'd choose me!" shouted Mike. "I think Nanna's silence speaks volumes," said TJ. Mike stood up an adopted a crazed and worrying expression. He clenched his fists and showed us all the whites of his eyes. Mike slowly started counting loudly from one to ten. "Oh look," said TJ, giggling, "The fruit loop can count. Well it's a step up from the alphabet." As Mike counted up to ten, his crazed expression became even more intensified. He was gritting his teeth and shaking slightly. I then remember that I'd told Mike to count to ten if he was getting angry. When Mike arrived at ten, he looked at me and said sorry and that the counting didn't help. Mike gave a loud lion like roar and threw himself at TJ. He grabbed hold of him by the neck, lifted him up against the wall and dangled him in the air. TJ had suddenly sobered up as Mike started to tighten his grip around TJ's neck. Matt and the others tried to pull Mike off TJ but he was like some unstoppable hulk. I knew what was going on but in my drunken state I didn't fully understand and I wasn't in any state to help. I was still swaying from side to side and seeing double.  "I'm going to f*cking kill you, you dirty little piggy," vented Mike at TJ as he starred in his eyes with a psychotic look. It was a weird sensation having two men fighting over me. I wasn't sure if I should feel flattered or freaked out. Thankfully Courtney ran up to Mike and quickly managed to talk sense into him. "Stop it, Mike!" she screamed, "Think of your nephews. They need their Dad. If you kill TJ they'll never forgive you. Please, Mike, just think of the kids." Mike's crazed look was replaced with one of sudden realisation and contemplation. Courtney had managed to get through to him. He loved his nephews and obviously didn't want them hating him. There was a tense moment of silence, Mike loosed his grip and released TJ who dropped to the floor, struggling to breathe. "The guy's a f*cking nutter," said TJ. "TJ, shut up," snapped Courtney. She walked off with Mike, and left me laid on the floor, swaying from side to side slouching up against TJ. I was so p*ssed.

I've spent all day feeling cr*p and like I want to be sick. Having a hangover when there's nothing to eat apart from crisps isn't good. Mike and TJ have avoided each other and Courtney's spent most of the day having a go at me saying I behaved like a child last night. "The three of you acted like a bunch of drunken morons," she said with a loud and firm tone, "If I hadn't have been here Mike would have killed TJ. I'm the kid and you're the adults. I think you've forgotten that." I asked Courtney to lower her voice because I had a throbbing headache. "Oh poor you," Courtney said sarcastically, "If you can't handle your booze, Nanna, you shouldn't drink so much, especially when we're stuck in a place like this with a load of men whose mate we've killed – sorry, you and your boyfriend killed." "My boyfriend?" I asked. "Yeah, you and TJ," said Courtney, "Gay love's young dream. Don't you remember kissing him last night?" "If I remember rightly he kissed me," I said, "He must have been p*ssed." "You were all p*ssed," said Courtney, "And that pr*ck TJ really wound up Mike." "Courtney," I said, "My head is really throbbing. Can we please talk about this tomorrow?" Courtney shook her head in a disapproving manner and walked off. I think I'm in her bad books. Mind you, right at this moment I don't really care. My head is killing me and I need water to re-hydrate. I'll be back to fully functioning working order tomorrow. I think I might have to have some uncomfortable conversations with Mike and TJ.