Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 371: Friday 1st September 2017 17:56

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Day 371
Friday 1st September 2017 17:56

A quiet day. A very quiet day in fact.

Naomi and TJ went out in the van looking for the others but they returned alone and empty handed. They didn't been bring back any food which I thought they would have done.

Me and Mike took Panda's jeep and drove off in the other direction. We looked around a few outhouses and rural buildings in the middle of nowhere and didn't find anyone but unlike TJ and Naomi we did find and return back with some food.

In the afternoon we all sat in the living room talking about driving further out to find more food and look for the others. "Well Matt and the gay bars are still in the sauna," I said. "You just want to go back to the sauna and slut it up with those hairy fairies don't you Nanna?" "I just think there's safety in numbers," I said. "I know you want us to go back to Matt and the others," Mike said to me, "But I think we've learned that going back into town is too dangerous." "Yeah," said Naomi, "And if Seth or Mia are out there they'll avoid the crowded areas and stick to the rural roads where there's not many infected." "Well why don't we go back to see The Traders," I said, "Anne and everyone might still be there." "She was weird," said TJ, "Why do you want to go back there?" "Because that's where Mia and Seth might be," I said, "We're not looking for best friends." "I don't know what I prefer," said TJ, "Going back to sh*tty abandoned car plant and hanging out with a load of crazy, cranky, cannibals or a sweaty gay sauna and hanging out with a load of horny hairy homos." "I know things ended well with Anne and The Traders," said Naomi, "But they still took Seth, remember? I really don't think he'd go back there." "So are w saying that we just forget about Matt and the gay ears and forget about Anne and The Traders I said?" "Luke, they can look after themselves," said Naomi. "Maybe Anne and The Traders can a bit but Matt and the gay bears can't," I said, "They were scared to leave that sauna." "Yeah, well I'm scared to go back," said TJ, "Those bum botherers wanted a piece of my arse." "Well we couldn't let that happen could we?" I sarcastically said, "What would you talk out of then? Anyway, those guys didn't fancy you." "Yes they did," said TJ, "The gays have always loved me. I met Elton John when I was queuing for a Mexican Chicken Deluxe in Bagel Nash. He recognised me from when I used to work back stage on Band Aid. We ended up going to Wetherspoons and getting p*ssed on wicked blues. He drank me under the table and I'll tell you this – he wanted to do a lot more to me under the table. He wanted to see my rocket, man, if you know what I mean." "Oh shut up, TJ," I said, "As if you've met Elton John." "I'm telling you," said TJ, "He was all over me like a rare skin disease. It wasn't the sun that I had to worry about going down on me. He wanted to do things to me that I think are still illegal in this country." "Murder you?" I said. "Whatever Nanna," said TJ, "You're just jealous because I've got the classy gays that want my arse. All you attract is fat hairy blokes in some sweaty slut cellar. Elton wanted to break more than my heart.  Anyway I let him down gently but it affected him. I think that's when he pretended to be straight. The loss of some TJ love really messed his head up." "God, will you shut up," I said.

We carried on talking and everyone seemed to think that forgetting about Matt and the gay bears, and Anne and The Traders was the right thing to do. I didn't really agree but I reluctantly went along with the majority. We agreed to drive further out and drive back to Dumpville. Even though there's likely to be some infected scattered around it's likely that both Seth and Mia are going to be around there somewhere. I think it's a bit risky, but we've got weapons and we've learned to look after ourselves so it looks like tomorrow we'll be driving back to the vicinity of Dumpville.