Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man in a Zombie Apocalypse. Days 201-400

Day 400: Saturday 30th September 2017 23:45

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Day 400
Saturday 30th September 2017 23:45

Auntie Meryl has been doing my head in today. I love her to bits but sometimes I just want to smother her with a pillow.

I was sat next to her on the sofa as she was reading an old 'Take a Break' magazine. "So," she said, "Are you going to put an offer in?" I turned and looked at Auntie Meryl with a confused expression. "An offer?" I questioned. "Yeah," said Auntie Meryl. I had no idea what Auntie Meryl was talking about. "What are you on about?" I asked, "An offer on what?" "The house," said Auntie Meryl. "What house?" I asked. "This house," emphasized Auntie Meryl, "What's wrong with you?" I looked ahead, frowned with even more confusion and looked at Auntie Meryl. "Am I going to put an offer in on this house?" I asked. "Well there's no use asking me what you're going to do," said Auntie Meryl, "I'm not psychic." "No, hang on," I said, "Are you saying you think I'm going to put an offer in on this house?" "Well are you or not?" asked Auntie Meryl. "No!" I loudly exclaimed, "Of course I'm not going to put an offer in on this house." "Is it too expensive?" asked Auntie Meryl, "I suppose with this many bedrooms and it being detached and all it would be a bit out of your price range." "For God's sake, Auntie Meryl," I said, "It's nothing to do with the price." "What is it then?" asked Auntie Meryl, "Is it because the downstairs loo smells? I went in there and there was a proper whiffy pong. Mind you that was after TJ had been in there after eating that badger. I'd have thought a house like this would have had a bigger garden too. No wonder you're not interested in this house." "Auntie Meryl," I said, "I've never been interested in this house." "Well what were you viewing it for then?" asked Auntie Meryl. "I wasn't viewing the bl**dy house!" I loudly said. "Well what are we all doing here?" asked Auntie Meryl, "I've heard of try before you buy but I think we've out stayed our welcome." "Auntie Meryl, the house is not for sale," I said. "Oh is it for rent?" asked Auntie Meryl, "Well I wouldn't pay any more than £550 per calendar month, and get the landlord to fix that faulty shelf in the utility room." "Auntie Meryl," I said, "I'm not paying to stay here." "Well you can't stay here for free," said Auntie Meryl, "I know the walls have got a few cracks in them but they won't let you stay here without paying something." "Auntie Meryl," I said, feeling very impatient, "It's the end of the world." "Oh don't be silly," said Auntie Meryl, "A dodgy shelf and a bit of cracked plaster doesn't mean it's the end of the world. You might be able to get them down to £500 per calendar month." "For crying out loud," I said, sounding annoyed, "Listen to me. This house isn't for sale, it isn't for rent and I've never been interested in it." "Well what are you doing here if you're not interested in it?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Because we've got nowhere else to go," I said, "God! Sorry Auntie Meryl, I need to go into the kitchen and stab myself in the eye with a fork." "Well just make sure you wash it afterwards," said Auntie Meryl. I love her dearly but she gets so easily confused and she doesn't half test my patience.

Courtney's been scowling at me all day. I've tried to be civil to her and I offered her a bottle of water a few times to which she'd responded to by telling me to f*ck off or just ignored me.

She's clearly still in a mood with me after I had a go at her yesterday. Sorry, but someone needed to tell her to stop being such a stroppy cow.