Fading Scars

Chapter 1

Emmie

I wake up alone again. Damon is the most successful gang leader in the country and I am proud of him. I am still doing well mentally, I haven't had any breakdowns for over 15 years. Anniversaries do hit me hard though. Damon is never home anymore. I love him so much but we are drifting apart, what I'd give to spend more time with him. My life would be perfect if that were the case.
I get up and change into some casual clothes and head downstairs, I still don't even care what I wear. When I reach the living room Liam is hovering. Liam is a big part of our life because he is Tommy's Dad but god does he frustrate me. He still can't let go of what we had. It wouldn't work between us. I watch him as his buttoned shirt hangs open. He still walks around with his abs hanging out. I look away so he doesn't catch me staring for too long.
"Well, aren't you looking good today," Liam says. I roll my eyes,I'm in casual clothes, I haven't even made an effort. I don't even care what I wear, I look fat in everything.
"Yeah, yeah," I sigh. I wish he wouldn't act like this around me. I wish he would get a girlfriend and just leave me alone. He's lucky Damon and I let him stick around.
"Where is the Boss?" he asks. Where he always is, at work. What a stupid thing to ask. It would be a miracle if he was here at this hour. Liam should know, he's part of the gang.
"He's at work. He's always at work," I get super lonely without him. The kids are at school all day and well I'm here. I still ride my horse most days but he is getting old now. Bless him.
Liam shrugs, " Well he is the most successful gang leader," I know that, it's something he enjoys doing and he is exceptionally good at it. Where does he want to cross the line though? Where does he see the gang heading?
"I know, I get it but he's never home," he doesn't like me at the safe house, so it's not like I can visit him at work.
"What do you need? Help in the bedroom area?" Maybe I do but from my husband, not Liam. I miss the connection Damon and I have. The sparks we have, how nothing else matters apart from us. Just me and him in our own little bubble.
"Liam! That's totally not what I meant,"I groan in frustrattion. I don't think I could handle anyone touching me now apart from Damon. I wouldn't like to test that theory either. I know Liam would never have been able to touch me if I had my memories but I feel gratitude towards him for temporarily giving me a great life.
"Hey, Dad." Tommy enters the room and fist pumps Liam. My kids are so grown up, they have been brought up well. Damon has guided them well. I wouldn't say Liam is a great role model but atleast he tries and he's in their life.
"Hey Son. You ready to go?" Liam asks. I don't trust Liam with Tommy but Tommy is at the age where he can look after himself. The twins are 15 and Lilly is 16.
"Yeah," Tommy nods and goes to make his way out the door. I need to make sure he has the essentials or I will worry.
"You got your bag?" I say to Tommy, he turns around and rolls his eyes at me. Tommy is more the I don't care about anything child and Caleb is the sweet caring child. Like father like son, I guess.
"Yes, Mom," I know that I am overprotective of my kids but I don't care. I want to give my kids something I didn't have. A normal loving family.
"You got your phone?" Liam scowls at me, if I trusted him we wouldn't have this issue.
"Yes, Mom."
"Come on Emmie give him a break. Anyone would think you didn't trust me." It's Liam that I won't give a break. He is like a damn kid himself still.
"I don't Liam. We all know what happened last time." He left my son at the pub. He said he forgot about him. Why he was in a pub god only knows. Tommy walked home on his own. There was that time when Tommy was small and he got his hand caught in a toy but I guess that could happen to anyone. He nearly came home from the park with the wrong kid, he was close to being knocked out. The amount of times he put the nappy on backwards and I had to clean the shit stained clothes or if they were really bad I had to dispose of them.
"Yeah okay, we get it," Liam growls. He is lucky I let Tommy go with him. He had to beg me for at least a month to give him another chance.
"Bye, then Baby," I say and wave at him. My little baby boy is growing up too fast. Tommy groans.
"How many times? Do you have to call me that?" Yes, I do. He will always be my little boy and nothing will change that.
"You are my baby. Yes, I do." He frowns and leaves the house. Kids these days, he doesn't know how good he has it.
"Just say the word and I'll stay. Relieve that itch of yours," Liam says once Tommy is out of ear shot. God, I wish I never said anything now.
"Get out Liam!" he is such a pain in my ass. He winks again and leaves my house although he holds the door open. Who is here now? I see Blake come through the door. Fun times, I kick one idiot out and one takes his place.
"Hey, Fatty," Blake says. Yes, I know I'm still fat. No amount of medication can help me with those insecurities.
"What are you doing here?" I say I was lonely and now everyone walks into my house. I actually like being on my own. I only want Damon's company, I'd rather lock myself in my room.
"My Brother has hired me." Why would Damon hire his Brother? And why would he be here if he is hired by Damon?
"For what?" I don't like the sound of this one little bit. Damon and Blake like ganging up on me. It's what they do.
"He is worried about your safety," I have been fine for nearly 15 years. Why is he suddenly worried now? What does this have to do with Blake?
"When isn't he? What you going to do insult them with your harsh words?" That's all he seems to be good at.
"No actually. I am going to train you." Train me to do what exactly? If he means fighting I could kick his ass any day, and I proved that when I recovered from cancer. I shouldn't be surprised Damon wanted Blake to do this as Blake has travelled around the world to teach people how to fight. When I first met Blake, I didn't feel the need to know much about him. Now he's a huge part of our lives we've connected more over the years.
"What do you mean train me?" Why did Damon have to choose Blake? He annoys us both. I don't think there is anyone that he's met that he hasn't annoyed.
"We will be running 3 times a week and I'm going to teach you to fight," I groan. Really? What is Damon thinking? I don't run and how does he expect Blake to make me?
"No way. I don't agree to that," I cross my arms, he can't make me. This won't help me protect myself. I just freeze when I'm in trouble.
"Damon would do it himself but he's busy," I would rather Damon train me, he's my husband. Not that I would want to do it at all.
"Ha not a chance," he must be stupid if he thinks I will agree to this. I walk out of the living room and start walking up the stairs.
"Emmie you don't have a choice!" I hear him call but I'm already upstairs. Of course, I do. Free will and all that. I head to my bedroom and sit on the bed. "Is he nuts?" I mutter to myself.
"Not nuts, just willing to do what it takes." he pops his head around the door and then decides to come in. Why is this so important to him?
"Get the hell out Blake," I curl up on my bed and put my back to him. I want to be alone like I always am.
"I have permission from Damon to do whatever it takes to get you to do this," What Damon gives permission for and what Blake thinks he gives permission for are two totally different things.
"I don't care. It's not happening," he walks over to the bed standing in front of me. He lays in front of me so we are face to face. I look into his blue eyes that look like Damon's but I don't get lost in them.
He reaches up and puts his hand on my hair, "Oh what is it? Are you afraid you can't do it fatty?" I know what he is trying to do. I try block out the pain of him touching me. I'm tired of being different, my brother in law and my friend should be able to do this.
"I see what you are doing," I'm not stupid. He uses his fingers to remove hair from my face. He tucks the strand behind my ear. All his focus seems to be on that one strand of hair.
"You're afraid you can't. I don't know why I agreed anyway. You are the slowest person I know." Again with the bloody insults. He continues to look into my eyes. We have grown closer, not as close as me and Sully but enough for me to let him this close to me.
"Fuck you," he is always so mean but I wouldn't change him for anything. I seem to have no girl friends but I have a lot of friends that are guys. Why is that?
"Emmie, how I'd love you too, just say the word, get changed, or I'll change you. Your choice." We are close but we aren't that close. I raise my eyebrow and he does the same. The thing is I know he would, so I give in. I really need to be careful with my words as he always turns them back on me.
"Fine get the hell out," I sigh and he winks at me before he leaves the room. His presence reminds me of Damon. He catches me off guard with his beauty. But he can never make me feel as safe as Damon does. I change into some workout clothes not that I wear them often.
I put some trainers on and make my way downstairs. I see Blake leaning againt the wall yawning whilst looking at his smartwatch showing me that I have taken too long most likely. "I didn't take that long you idiot."
"Oh yes, you did. Now get your sexy ass out the door!" I poke my tongue out at him and grab my key before leaving the house. He stops outside the house and starts stretching. A hot buff guy stretching, I could stay and watch this. The way his muscles flex and damn that ass as he bends over, I bite my lip to restrain myself, "Emmie, you need to stretch." I roll my eyes and copy what he is doing.
Once Blake is satisfied I've stretched enough he starts running off. I jog after him he's too fast. This reminds me of when I had cancer, how he just walked off at the mall. I'm not so vulnerable now and I am grateful to be fit and healthy. I make every moment count with my family.
I constantly look around me, watching people on the street that could be a threat. I look at the faces in the passing cars. I always feel like someone or everyone is watching me. I hate being outside, I'd rather be at home behind lock doors.
Blake runs back to me, "Come on Emmie. Keep up," I can't. I can't bloody breathe. I stop and put my hands on my knees. Blake starts jogging on the spot in front of me. I suck in some air into my lungs, they're on fire.
"I need a break," I say between each laboured breath. I take a look around to see where we are. We have made it to the park, I watch people walking their dogs, people on the swings. All normal day to day activities and I envy them how they can do it with such ease.
"Move your fat ass, Emmie." I stand up straight and run past him. It doesn't take him long to catch up. This is stupid, I'm never going to get fitter. We run around the edge of the park, I try to enjoy the scenry but my lungs are burning and my anxiety is through the roof. I take a seat on a bench and I try controling my breathing. Will I ever be able to run without feeling like I'm dying? Blake is a while in front, he looks around and groans. This is probably harder than he thought. Once he's returned to me he looks down at me, "Seriously Emmie? We haven't finished."
I've finished, I can't run anymore. "I'm not as fit as you," I say crossing my arms. He takes a seat next to me and grins. What?
"Oh, I would beg to differ. You're very fit." I'm all sweaty and I can't run far. What the hell is he talking about? I use my top to wipe the sweat from my forehead. Very unlady like but I don't care, this makes a change that I'm sweating though, I'm normally really cold.
"Shut up idiot. I'm tired can we go back now?" I need a shower and then sleep for a week. I do my puppy dog eyes that works on Damon and Sully. I use my top and fan myself trying to dry my body.
"You are such a lazy shit. It will be my mission to get you more active. Fine, let's go home," Did my puppy dog eyes work on him or did he just give up? We run home, I really want to just flop on my bed. I reach the front door, I'm home. I lean on the wall of the house trying to slow my breathing.
"Emmie," Blake says I turn around to see him stretching again. Really? "If you want to walk tomorrow you need to stretch." I groan and walk away from the house and go to stretch my legs out but Blake grabs my ankle and lifts it in the air and I go toppling over onto my back. Ow, luckily we are on grass.
"Blake!" I scream. I catch sight of the front door opening. Damon stands in the doorway. He glares at Blake.
"Was that necessary?" Damon growls. Damon walks to me and holds his hand out to me and lifts me up. Why is he home so early? "Hey, baby. I see my brother took you running," Such a bloody genius.
"I will see you tomorrow for some fight training," Blake says and walks towards his car. Damon pulls me closer to him.
"You are in the dog house and what are you doing home?" he puts his finger and thumb on my chin and places a soft kiss on my lips. I was trying to slow my breathing but he's now spiked my heartrate with his touch.
"Huh, what did I do? And it's time baby," he knows exactly what he did. Time for what? I don't understand.
"Time for what?" I start to panic what he is talking about. I wish he wouldn't spring these things on me. I try rack my brains to see if I forgot and anniversary or a birthday but I come up short.
"It's time to tell the kids about the gang." No, I'm not ready for that yet. We decided not to tell the kids until they were older. I really don't want my kids involved with the gang but Damon is looking for an heir to take over. I have managed to hold him off this long. This is the only downside about Damon being their father. If I had a choice I wouldn't involve them, they could get hurt.
"No Damon. It's not time," I growl, I leave him standing in the front garden while I walk upstairs to take a shower. I don't want to have this discussion. I strip and get into the shower. Moments later I feel Damon's arms around me. I don't flinch like I used to anymore, it's only ever going to be Damon anyway.
"You agreed, Emmie. We tell them today and then training begins," I turn to face him. I should have a say in this, I never agreed I just didn't see the point in arguing about it all the time.
"What training?" Why is he having everyone trained? If I knew this was the life Damon wanted for my kids I wouldn't have had them. Well, they weren't planned but I sure as hell wanted them.
"Gun practice," I remember the first time I fired a gun. I remember the sheer disgust and hatred I had for it. I don't want that for my kids.
"My kids aren't doing gun practice, Damon," he puts his wet hands through my hair. I close my eyes, we haven't been this close for ages. He is distracting me and he knows it. His touch sends tingles up my spine. My body is awakening from his soft delicate touch.
He kisses my lips and I return the kiss. "Our kids Emmie and it's not just the kids. You will be doing it too," He squeezes my breasts with his large hands and I swallow hard, he is torturing me right now. If I wasn't so angry with him I would just end this conversation.
"Why me? We all know I can shoot straight," I lean forward and kiss his neck, up and down his jawline. Two can play at this game.
"I want to be assured that you can shoot. I am the most wanted gang leader Emmie. That puts all of us at risk," his voice is husky, I know I am affecting him like he is affecting me. I don't bother arguing anymore and he seems to have had enough too and he pushes me against the shower wall and kisses me.
I have missed my husband and I can tell he has missed me. Each touch, each kiss is sending tingles down my spine. The water is ricocheting on his head and bouncing over me. Our lips drip from the water. We become one once again.
"I've missed you, baby," Damon says trying to recover. He cups my face in his hands, he brushes my lips with his thumb. My breathing is still rapid. Every touch sends butterflies to my stomach.
"Well, when you are out all day I have to find my own company. Generally, it's Liam or Blake." I tease. I have missed him so much too.
"Are you trying to make me jealous? Because it's working," he growls as he demands another long urgent kiss before leaving the shower. I turn the shower off and follow him out.
"Damon, I love you. You are just never home anymore," I grab a soft fluffy towel and wrap it around me. "I understand why and I don't need you like I used to but I still need you around," I say walking back into the bedroom. I don't want to sound too needy.
I lay on the bed looking at the ceiling. Will we ever get past this? Damon climbs on top of me. "I love you too baby. I will try and be here more often. I miss you every minute of every day. I'm just trying to better our kids future."
"I get that Damon but we are rich, you have the most successful gang in Spain. What more do you need?" I have cherished my family since I nearly died of cancer. I make every moment count, Damon just seems to spend so much time on the gang which is insignificant compared to family. Growing old together in each others company is what I want. He leans down to kiss me, I guess that's case closed.
"It's time," he says. He kisses my forehead and he gets up to change. I get changed too, I shove on the first thing I find. I grab his hand and he looks at me. "Baby, I know you are scared. It will be fine," he says and kisses me again. How does he always know what I'm thinking?
"Tommy has gone to Liam's," I say trying to delay things. I really don't want them knowing. They know nothing about my past either.
"I phoned Liam. He's coming back, he's onboard." Urgh, of course, he is. I frown, I can't prolong this anymore. My feet feel like they've got heavy weights attached to them as Damon pulls me out the bedroom. I sigh as we walk downstairs, I see Sully sat on the sofa and I curl up on his lap. He wraps his arms around me and his face buries in my neck.
"You okay, Emmie?" Sully asks. I turn in his lap so I can bury my face into his chest. I am dreading this conversation. How will Lilly take it? She's always anxious like me. He kisses my head and I fight back the tears. I need to be strong for my kids, the anxiety is gnawling at me.
"No, Damon is telling my kids about the gang. I've tried to delay it for so long. I don't want them knowing," he strokes my hair trying to comfort me. I focus on Sully's breathing and I try to match mine with his.
"You knew this would happen, Emmie. They have a right to know," Damon says as he enters the room with Caleb and Lilly. The kids take a seat next to us and Damon sits on the arm of the sofa next to me and holds my hand. I think about withdrawing my hand but I need him right now.
"Hey, Dad. What did you want? I was playing Call of Duty. I was in the middle of a online match," Caleb sulks. God forbid we had to drag him away from a game.
"Hey Son. Thank you for prizing yourself away from the Xbox," he huffs. Like father like son. Tommy comes through the front door.
"What's going on?" Tommy asks. Tommy sits on the other arm of the sofa. Tommy puts his feet on Lilly's lap and she shoves him hard.
"Guys enough," I scold. Caleb and Lilly have been so close but Lilly and Tommy seem to just wind each other up. I wish Tommy would look after Lilly like CJ does.
"Hey, kids. Thanks for meeting us. We have something to tell you," I look up at Damon and beg him with my eyes. My heart starts pounding and I feel sick.
"Damon, please don't," I beg. He squeezes my hand to reassure me.
"Are you okay Mom?" Caleb asks. He has always looked after me. He is such a caring boy, we have been the closest.
"She's fine guys. Now I want you guys to know you are safe okay," They are only safe because I would kill any fucker that tries to hurt them.
"We know we are. You wouldn't let anyone hurt us," Lilly agrees. Damon has always been extra careful with the kids.
"Well, I'm the most successful gang leader in the country." Don't beat around the bush Damon. Just put all the cards on the table why don't you? I hide my face in Sully neck. I hate this, there's no turning back now.
"You are? That's so cool," Tommy says. It's not cool, trust them to think like that. The boys seem uber excited.
"It's not cool Tommy," I scold. Everything I have taught my kids, Non-violence, respect people, to work hard at school. The gang is contradicting that.
"Why didn't you tell us before?" Lilly asks. Becuase I didn't want you to know.  I have tried so hard to hide this from you.
"We didn't want you to worry about it but you all need to start training," Damon says. I still don't see why I need to train. He's talking about this so casually.
"We have to train?" Caleb says. I can't imagine my kids with a gun in their hands. It's just so wrong.
"Yes of course. You need to be safe and one of you needs to take over," Surely he doesn't mean my baby girl too. He wouldn't put her at risk like that, would he? Why can't Damon hand the gang over to someone else? It's one thing getting my kids involved in the gang and there's another running it.
"Who will?" Thomas says. The boys look eager to start their training. I just hope they don't argue about who will get offered this position.
"Whoever proves themselves," Damon says. I hope we have a good few years before Damon steps down. Although I would love Damon to leave the gang, I also don't want my kids to take over. I would offer myself on a plate to protect them.
"That will be me. Anyway, why is Lilly-May doing it? She's a girl." Tommy shows off, god, girls can do just as much as a guy can, if not more.
"Lils has as much potential as all of you. I believe in her and if she takes after her Mom then she'll be better than you guys." I believe I'm only the way I am because of my past. I've had to deal with things people shouldn't have to go through. I had to stay strong.
"Thanks, Daddy," Lilly says. Damon has so much confidence in Lilly. I love seeing them both together, my heart swells just seeing them together.
"You're most welcome, princess," Damon says. Lilly looks worried about this although she trusts her Dad to do this.
"What do you mean take after Mom?" Caleb asks. Caleb likes to know everything he can about me.
"Your Mom is badass," I put my hand on my forehead in frustration. I'm not a badass, I'm just a girl who has stayed strong for her family.
"Damon..." I groan. Sully whispers in my ear in agreement. They are always thinking alike them two. I elbow them both but they don't even flinch.
"You are, go Mom!" Tommy says. I really am not all that, I just need to protect my precious family. I don't remove my face from Sully's neck.
"Never underestimate your Mom," I think they already learned that when growing up. They always wondered how I knew things if I knew they were lying. Their punishments if they were naughty. They always thought I had super powers, knowing their hiding spots or who was the guilty one.
"I wish I was like you Mom," Lilly says. I hate hearing that from her mouth. I hate that she wants to be like me. She is so much better than I am, how can she not see? She has Damon's gene's for crying out loud. She is the most kind hearted child I've ever met.
"Oh, Sweetheart. You should be like yourself. You are beautiful, kind and everyone loves you," She doesn't want to be like me, I'm broken. Lilly brought this family together, Sully, Addi, Blake, Dyno the list is endless. The gang would also protect my kids aswell as me.
"But I'm not as brave as you," I'm not brave if I was my life would have turned out differently. I wish I was brave though. I need my husband and my best friend under one roof because I'm scared all the time. It's better now but it still creeps over me like a suffocating cloud. Today is one of those days when the cloud suffocates me.
"Lils trust me that's a good thing. I don't want you to walk into trouble like your Mom does. I think I would die if I had you both in trouble," I think I would too. I was so helpless when Esme had her. I couldn't do anything, even if I didn't have cancer. In that moment I knew how Damon must have felt when I was kidnapped. It's a horrible feeling.
"Don't worry Sis, we will protect you," Caleb says. I smile, protective brothers. This is what I pictured when I thought I was going to die.
"So will we have to kill anyone?" Lilly says anxiously. I hold my breath, absolutely not, I hate myself for what I did. Yes, I'd do it again but I wouldn't let my kids go through that pain. I still get nightmares and flashbacks.
"No baby. I wouldn't let you," If I had to I would kill again for them. I won't allow them to be at risk like that.
"Have you killed anyone Mom?" Lilly asks. I take a deep breath, I look into Sully's eyes and he looks sad like he remembers all those years ago. I remember it every day.
"I don't want you guys to worry about that baby girl," this isn't something I want lingering in my kids heads.
"We want to know Mom. Please tell us the truth," Caleb says. Damon squeezes my hand once more. This is awful to relive my past, I've tried to push it to the back of my mind for so long but it's always there. It's going to be painful to speak about it.
"Yes baby, I have," Lilly and Caleb gasp. Tommy just looks impressed. It's not something to be proud of and this is not what I want to be teaching my kids.
"Mom how could you?" At least she knows it's wrong to kill someone but I don't want her to be scared of me.
"I had to protect my family," it was a dark part of my life. I'm happy now and I don't want to keep looking back.
"Mom has had a bad past," Damon says, I can hear the sadness in his voice. I stroke his hand with my thumb to comfort him, I'm safe now.
"What sort of bad past? Did someone hurt you, Mom?" Tommy says defensively like he is ready to hurt someone.
"Yes, sweetheart they did,"  Damon puts his hand on my hair and plays with it to soothe me. I still have my two overprotective bodyguards and I feel so safe.
"I will hurt them. Who hurt you?" Caleb growls. I know he wants to look after his Mom, I would have done the same. Maybe just maybe I'd try and protect her even now but that's who I am. I forgive too easily.
"Caleb, I don't want you hurting anyone okay? It's all in the past," Please let it stay there. I don't want to talk about it not with my kids at least.
"We need to know Mom," Lilly says. No, you don't need to know. This is my life and I would do anything to keep them from the pain I feel.
Okay, here goes, "My Dad, your Granddad. He hurt me whilst I was growing up," My Daddy that I miss with every passing day. He was there for me when I needed him during the cancer stage and then Lucas took him away from me.
"Is that why you have bad days. Because of him?" Caleb says. He is so observant, my beautiful little boy.
"Where is he?" Lilly says afraid. Oh, baby, I wouldn't let him hurt you. He didn't approve of you, but he was my Daddy. If he were to be here then I'd keep him away. I could never trust him around my kids not that Damon would let it happen.
"That's just a small reason why I have bad days. He can't hurt you, baby, he's dead," I wish I was awake that day and pleaded with him. I'm not sure he would have listened to me but at least I'd know I tried.
"He's dead. Did you kill him?" Tommy says. No, I didn't, I couldn't kill my Daddy. Tears fall from my eyes and Sully wipes them away. This is too hard for me.
"Don't cry, Emmie," Sully whispers in my ear. What would I do without my best friend? I have no idea and I don't want to find out.
"No Tommy. He killed himself after he shot me," They all gasp, yes I've been shot, many times. I shouldn't be here, I shut my eyes and I feel the pain that I felt then.
"He shot you?" Caleb says bringing me out of that memory. Yes baby, don't worry about it. He can't hurt me anymore, but I would do anything to have my Daddy back.
"Yes, your Mom was in a self-induced coma. Brody and I saved your Mom that day. She was pregnant with you Lils at the time," Damon says. Damon and I explain my troubled past and Lilly is silently crying. Caleb comforts her, I know he will always protect his sister when we can't.
"So our Grandma is still out there?" Caleb says. Grandma? She doesn't deserve that title. I don't care what she's done to me but I won't risk my kids around her.
"She's not your Grandma she's nothing to you. She's in Jail, she's in there for life. She can't hurt you," Damon yells making me jump. Oh wow, Damon hasn't softened over the years then.
"I will do this training just to get revenge," Tommy says. I'm not having them fueled by revenge. Damon was fueled by revenge. Yes, he has a very successful gang and we wouldn't be here if he didn't but I won't have them put themselves in danger.
"Tommy no one is getting revenge. I am only allowing this training for safety reasons. You need to take this seriously," I say firmly.
"Okay, so I want to start training. It will be Lils and Mom today and the twins tomorrow." Damon says. I groan I've just bloody done running with Blake. I grind my teeth in annoyance.
"Oh okay," Lilly says anxiously. My poor baby shouldn't have to feel what it's like to fire a gun. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to yet.
"You'll be fine, princess. I'll be there to help you," Damon says reassuring Lilly. I'm so glad Damon is so supportive, how did I end up so lucky? My stomach has butterflies hearing Damon so supportive, if only it was something more normal like helping her get into college.
Damon gets up and pulls his car keys out of his pocket. He gestures for us to get up, I stand and so does Sully. The four of us walks to the car, I sit in the back with Sully and Lilly sits with her Dad in the front. "How are you feeling about this Emmie?" Sully says quietly.
"Scared Sully. I don't know how I'm going to react to a gun in my hand again," he puts his hand in mine. I look at his face and he looks worried too.
"You'll be fine, you are strong," I wish people wouldn't call me strong, I feel weak and helpless. I've felt like quitting many times but my family needs me.
"I want to be strong Sully. I wish Damon wasn't so gang driven sometimes. Am I not enough for him?" I look up at Damon and he looks so carefree and relaxed.
"Emmie, don't think about it like that. You know he loves you," Yeah, but is that enough for him? Is something missing in his life that he has to do this?
My eyes meet with Damon's in the rearview mirror and he frowns. "You okay Baby?" Damon says to me.
"Yeah. I guess," I reply. I wished to spend more time with Damon but this isn't really what I had in mind. We reach the safe house and we all get out the car.
"Sully can you take Lilly into the training room. We will see you in there," Damon says. Sully nods and I watch him as he leads Lilly into the safe house. Damon walks around the car and stands in front of me. I back away until my back hits the car. Damon puts his palms on the car either side of my head. "What's wrong baby?"
"I'm scared. Scared of gun practice, scared for my kids. Scared that I'm not enough," Damon looks confused.
"What are you talking about baby? What do you mean scared you aren't enough?" He cups my chin with his right hand and I close my eyes, his touch is so distracting. "The kids will be fine, this is to protect them." I know but they shouldn't need protecting like this.
"You are so driven running this gang. I worry that I am not enough for you. You are away so often. Maybe you need a girl like Lara who is highly trained," except I kicked her ass.
"How can you say that? I would be nothing without you. You are the best thing that has happened to me. I just need to know you are safe and you can protect yourself," I don't think I could protect myself even if I had training. I just freeze when I'm in trouble. He kisses me and pushes his body against mine. I wish I could protect myself but I know I can't.
He releases me and takes my hand and leads me inside. He intoxicates me and I can't think clearly when I'm so close to him. We find Lilly, Sully and Liam in the training room.
"Okay, so Sully will train Lils and Liam will train Mom," Damon says. I groan, why do I get Liam. I'd rather have my best friend.
"Why do I get this idiot? Why can't I get the big guy?" I mutter and Liam winks at me. He is so annoying. His top hangs open the way it normally does.
"Oh, Emmie don't sulk now. Right off you go," Damon says looking down at me. Sulking? Me? Why can't Damon teach me? He releases my hand I drag my feet to where Liam is standing.
"Right take the gun, Emmie," Liam says holding the gun out to me in the palm of his hand. It looks like a ticking time bomb. I fix my eyes on it not able to look away in fear it may blow up.
"So I can shoot you? Sure," I joke, but inside I am trembling. Can I pick the gun up? I've always been fueled by adrenaline when I used one. I always wasn't in my right mind.
"Don't be childish Mommy," Liam says. Urgh, still going with the Mommy. The kids haven't called me Mommy in years.
"Fine give me the damn gun," I snap. Let's get this over with, I stretch my hand out to collect the gun. My hand is shaking, I can't keep it still. My fingers curl around the gun and Liam removes his hand so I take the weight. I glance over at Sully and he looks concerned, is it my face? He mouths the words 'you are okay.'
I'm not okay, I'm anything but, "Now draw the gun," Liam says. He is closer than I thought and it makes me jump. I try to move away from him but he keeps moving with me. My heart is beating out of my chest. Liam comes closer still and my whole body tenses. He stands behind me and puts his arms around me so he is also holding the gun. I can feel his breath on my neck and I hold mine, he's putting me off.
"Stop it will you," I whisper, he is too damn close to me. I can't concentrate, I want to be at home curled up in bed.
"What? Am I putting you off?" he knows what he is doing. I feel like I am a statue, I can't move. I hear gun shots and turn my head to see Lilly already shooting. She's doing really well.
"Yes actually," at least he is keeping my mind occupied and not worrying about shooting. I hear him take a sharp intake of breath with his nose and I cringe. Come on Emmie, hold it together, he's your friend, father of your child, he's not going to hurt you.
"Am I affecting you, Mommy?" Just stop already. If I could walk away right now I would. I just can't seem to move.
I manage to drop my arms to my side. "Oh stop Liam before I shoot you," I would love to shoot him to get him to back off, but truth is, he is family and I love him. I won't cause him pain.
    "Emmie draw your gun. You shouldn't let anyone distract you but it's nice to know I still affect you," urgh, I draw my gun again. I look at the target and Rex's face pops up in my head. His blonde shaggy hair and his blue eyes that haunt my dreams. I take a step back but I end up hitting into Liam. "Emmie," Liam warns. I concentrate on the target again. I get flashbacks of Desmond putting his lips on mine. That long curly black hair, the smell that repulsed me. I can still smell it to this day. I aim for his head like I did before and shoot continuously until the gun is empty. Nothing makes his face go away and I can't stop the feeling of his lips on mine.
Damon's hands find themselves on my shoulders. All I see is Desmond's face, he won't die no matter how many times I put a bullet in his head. "Baby, it's okay," Damon says softly.
"He won't die, Damon," I whisper. He removes the gun from my hand and stands in front of me. My arms drop to my side. I see Damon's beautiful face instead of Desmond's.
"Who won't die?" he pulls me in for a hug and his scent and protection brings me back to the here and now. My body feels so heavy, I can't make it move the way I want it to.
"Desmond, I see his face. I feel his lips on mine like before," Damon takes my face in his hands and places his lips on mine. It feels better having Damon mask the touch of Desmond's. I know it's not real but it's real in my memories.
"He kissed you before he died? You never told me that," I guess it wasn't important, I was ill. I just needed to work on getting better. "Baby, he's dead. He can't hurt you anymore." Damon releases me and I look at the target and see that I've hit the centre of the target every time.
"See, I don't need practice," I say. Damon and Liam both look at the target. I was shooting blind and I still hit the target.
"Good Job, baby," Damon says and kisses my forehead. He passes my gun back to Liam and then walks off to see how Lilly is doing.
Liam stands closer to me again, "So Emmie, has your husband been taking care of you?" It hasn't been long since we last had this damn conversation.
"Do you want a bullet to go into your leg?" I shrug. He must know I'm bluffing, he never takes me seriously.
"I take that as a no, " he says whispering in my ear. "I would start by peeling your clothes off. Kissing your delectable body slowly." Holy shit, why is he doing this to me? "I would make your heart beat rapidly. Making you beg me for more. Making you wet for me," I cough to try and shake this feeling. Why is he affecting me after all this time? He can make me feel something like this but he would repulse me if he touched me.
"Liam stop. I will shoot you," I would if I had the gun. I straighten my clothes trying to get him out of my head.
"It's so easy to distract you, Emmie," Liam laughs trying to tease me. Why has he not got a girlfriend yet? I'm sure the girls would be lining up for him.
"How are you doing baby?" Damon says hugging me from behind him. I feel guilty for letting Liam affect me.
"I don't know why I am doing this. I'm probably better than all of you," Damon laughs and puts his chin on my shoulder and holds me tight from behind.
"You are probably right," he agrees. He uses his teeth to tug at my ear and I gasp. I love playful Damon, but at gun practice really?
"I think you need more practice," Liam says. I can't have him affect me like that again. I want Damon in every way.
"I want someone else to teach me. Anyone is better than this moron,"  let's hope they are anyway. Being in such a close proximity to someone else makes my heart spike and my hands sweat.
Liam winks at me before he says, "If you say so." I turn around in Damon's arms to face him. I look into Damon's pearly blue eyes searching for any sign of persuasion on this.
"Why can't you teach me? I bet we would have so much fun." I would feel happier with him too. I mean he completely surrounded me when all I could see was Desmond. I'm sure I wouldn't have responded to Liam.
He rewards me with a beautiful smile, "I bet we would Mi Chica Bella but after the first session, I'll be busy working. I just wanted to observe today." So I'll be doing this without the comfort of him being here? I still won't be seeing him very often. "If you want someone else. I have plenty of people on hand." I should feel happy and lucky to have the life that I do but deep down I'm always wishing for something. Right now I wish I could spend more time with my husband. More time as a family with my kids, is that too much to ask or am I being irrational?
"Yes I want someone else." Please, I give him my puppy dog eyes and he grins at me. He kisses me slowly. Torturing my lips, his hands travel down to my ass and I wrap my legs around his waist getting carried away. I just crave intimacy with my husband, that's all.
Liam coughs, "Because I affect you too much Mommy?" I groan and pull away from Damon and I roll my eyes. Damon looking into my eyes searching for what caused my annoyance but if he won't listen to my pleas why should he find the answer looking into my soul?
"Okay baby, whatever you want, it's yours. I will be back with your replacement." Why won't Damon tell Liam to back off? I mean I know Liam has no chance and I'm pretty sure Damon knows that too but Damon is a jealous guy. I watch Damon leave to find someone else.
I turn to face Liam, "Seriously? Get a girlfriend already." I would have thought he would have given up already. I'm nothing special and it's not as if we were properly a couple. He has no real thing to keep hold of.
"I'm still waiting for my princess to realise she made the wrong choice," Really? I'm not his, I never belonged to him, my heart belongs to Damon.
"Has 15 years not given you a hint? I love Damon. I'm happy." It will always be Damon every single time.
"Yeah whatever you say," he doubts me. Why? He knows my issues, if it wasn't for Damon I would be all alone. Probably still with my Daddy. He walks towards me and I take a step back. He takes another long step towards me and puts his hand on my cheek. I grab his wrist and shut my eyes to block him out but I let his hand stay on my cheek.
"I know you love me." he whispers. "Even after all this time."
"Liam..." Why is he doing this? "I..." he uses his thumb to skim my lip and I stop breathing. I don't know what he's trying to prove because his touch isn't working in his favour. He withdraws his touch and I take in a lung full of air and open my eyes and Liam has retreated and Damon stands next to us and his face looks like he's ready to murder someone.
I don't have anything to be guilty about, do I? I know I didn't push him away but I was also too shocked to move. Damon's glare seems to be directing at Liam until he closes the distance between us and wipes a stray tear. Does Liam's touch repulse me that much that I have a tear? Damon sighs and kisses the top of my head. He wraps his arms around me and I sag into his chest.
"I have your replacement baby." I look around Damon whilst still hugging him and Dyno is sporting his usual scowl. Really that was the best he could do? His black hair tied into a bun. He's shaved the sides of his head though. When he notices me looking at him I hear his groan in protest. Our dislike for each other is mutual.
"Really? You haven't given me great people Damon. I'm your wife. Don't I deserve the best?"
"As much as I love you, baby. Lilly deserves the best." I nod in agreement, of course, she does. I feel safe with Sully and I'm sure Lilly does too although she has never had anything to be afraid of. Damon moves my face off his chest and looks at me and I bite my lip.
"So who do you want, take your pick?" Damon asks. So we have Liam who flirts with me and gets on my last nerve and we have Dyno who gets on my last nerve but at least he doesn't flirt with me.
"I choose Dinosaur." Dyno groans, I guess he doesn't want to be doing this either. Not like he has a choice anyway. Damon raises his eyebrow, did he not expect me to choose Dyno?
"You better not fucking shoot me you crazy bitch," Dyno crosses his arms. Tempting but unfortunately I also see Dyno as family.
I giggle, "I will if you deserve it," Dyno has seen me at my worst so he knows how far I will go.
    "When does a man ever deserve to be shot by a crazy woman?" He says putting his arms up in defence. I can think of a few men that deserved to be shot.
"My wife is not crazy Dyno, if you want to continue breathing I suggest you keep you comments to youreself," Damon growls. I am crazy, we all know it. I'm better but I'm still crazy and I always will be. Why does Damon reprimand Dyno for stating the truth but doesn't get Liam to back off?
"Aww, you didn't want to play? I heard you panting whilst I helped you." Liam says. I groan and put my hand on my forehead in frustration. I look to Damon and he is glaring at Liam, well at least he isn't angry at me which makes a change.
"Leave, now!" Damon shouts. I put my forehead on his chest. I wish I could stay here forever. "Play nice. I don't want any accidents today," I lift my head and look at Dyno.
"Yeah, Dinosaur," I poke my tongue out at him. Dyno doesn't play nice, he has one function and that is being a grumpy bastard.
"I was actually talking about my badass wife." he was? Bastard. I'm not that bad, I play nice all the time.
I shove him hard in the chest but he stands his ground. "I'll give you badass. You are still in the dog house," Making me go running with his annoying Brother and now gun practice.
Damon doesn't say anything just walks away towards Lilly. Dyno passes me a gun and I take it easier than I did before. I draw my gun and aim for the target. "Emmie you are doing it all wrong. Draw your gun, grip the gun firmly Emmie." All wrong? Does it really matter if I can hit the target? I let the gun fall to my side like it weighs more than my arm can lift.
"Did my husband not tell you I can already shoot?" I don't need to be here, this is so stupid. I'm a girl I should be out shopping or something even though that doesn't appeal to me either, I guess I've always enjoyed these activities more. I just hate to have the flashbacks from the worst time of my life.
"Emmie, you may be able to shoot straight but you need to have the techniques. Which you don't have," Don't let me down gently. Idiot. We were there for an hour doing gun practice. In that time Dyno shows me how to reload the gun, take it apart and put back together. Okay, maybe I didn't know how to do those bits but I didn't tell him that. I managed to shoot without seeing flashbacks or see their faces.