helpful stuff to know

my problems

(in this i will only be focused on the root of my issues. which all takes place on my dads side.)

I have trust, and abandonment problems. it all started in 2012, when I was 8. my grandma had just died, and she was my best friend. I told her things I didn't tell anyone else, she was amazing. my mom lived in Michigan, and my dad lived in Pennsylvania. I had a stepmother, a stepsister, and a stepbrother on my dads side. I was the youngest, but at my grandma's funeral we found out I had lice. yay ( note the sarcasm). but we got that taken care of.

after my grandma's death I wasn't the same, I was sad not that I let people know. I was suppose to be the happy, sunshine, rainbow, unicorns, and lollipops like I was before. so that's how I acted, but  not how I felt which was sad, scared, and alone. on nights where I was really sad I would wake up from nightmares of my friends, and family dying, or leaving me.

I started pulling away from them. but one night I ended up waking my stepsister, cause we shared a room. when I told her what it was about, she told me her and her family weren't going anywhere. that's the last thing she said to me.

because the next day I went back to my mothers, and when I was gone my dad got divorced and moved in with my grandfather. well that hurt me, even if I didn't say anything. so about a yearish later my dad started dating a really nice lady. but I was and still am a little scared of getting attached. then they had my little brother, last year they got married and I legally had a stepsister and stepbrother again. but now I'm the oldest.  

she knows I was badly hurt by the last family. I never did tell her what my ex stepsister said. and the thing she says the most is "we aren't going to go anywhere" she means it to help, but it doesn't it brings back memories I wish I could forget. sometime I wish I didn't remember up to the age of 10. I might be better off, cause I'm scared of getting attached to people. after my grandma died every other year someone has died. the next to leave me was my great grandmother  on new years eve, and last year was my uncle Jim. me and his grandson (who is from the first marriage Jim had so we are not actually related) were really close. but when Jim died I didn't just lose him. I lost his grandson who was my bestfriend and helped me through my grandma's death.

then all my other friends in that state left me too, just kind of forgot about me. so its hard for me to get close to people. I always have a hard time trusting them.

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so I had a hard time writing this but hopefully it helps others come forward. you can send me a privet message if you want. there is no pressure for anyone. you can also comment its up to you. if you want me to write about your experiences I will. if you don't want me to. I wont. this is a book for you. to be honest, this is probably the most ive ever said about my grandmas death at one time.