Doctor Who and Star-Lord Vol. 2

Showtime A-Holes

The Doctor was piloting his TARDIS around a platform on the planet of the Sovereign, an alien race with skin seemingly composed completely of gold, above a platform where his friends Peter Quill and the Guardians of the Galaxy were preparing to do battle with an interdimensional creature known as an Abilisk. 

'Showtime a-holes!' Peter said. 'It'll be here any minute.' He was holding a device in his hand to detect the approaching monster - which the Doctor seemed to call his 'timey wimey detector, that goes "ding" when there's stuff'. 

'Which will be its loss.' Gamora added, cocking a huge rifle. 'I thought your thing was a sword?' Peter said. 'We've been hired to stop an interdimensional beast from feeding on those batteries and I'm going to stop it with a sword?' Gamora replied. 'It's just...swords were your thing and guns were mine,' Peter said, 'but I guess we're both doing guns now, I just didn't know that.' The Doctor then flied in with his TARDIS, holding his timey wimey detector. 'The machine is going "ding".' the Doctor said. 'It should be here soon.' 'I know,' Peter said, holding up his own detection device. 'Oh, ok,' the Doctor replied. 'Doctor, why won't you pick up a gun?' Peter replied. 'Not a fan of using guns,' the Doctor said. 'But you can't convince an interdimensional monster not to feed on the batteries,' Peter said, 'so take this.' He threw the Doctor a small stunning pistol.  'Just this once.' the Doctor said.

Gamora turned to Drax. 'Drax,' she said, 'why aren't you wearing one of Rocket's aero rigs?' Everyone else except for the Doctor and Groot, who was now the size of a toddler, were wearing one. 'It hurts,' Drax replied. 'Hurts?' Gamora asked. 'I have sensitive nipples.' Drax said. Rocket burst into laughter. '"My nipples hurt! Oh, goodness me!"' he chucked. 'What about him?' Drax asked. 'What's he doing?' Rocket was setting up speakers, plugging Peter's Walkman cassette player into them. 'I'm finishing this so we can listen to tunes while we work.' Rocket replied. 'How is that a priority?' Drax asked. 'Blame Quill,' Rocket replied, 'he's the one who loves music so much!' 'No, I actually agree with Drax on this one,' Quill replied, 'that's hardly important right now.' 'Oh, okay,' Rocket said, 'sure, Quill.' He winked. 'No, seriously,' Peter replied, 'I side with Drax.' 'And me,' the Doctor said. 'No, I understand that, you're being very serious right now.' Rocket replied, winking again. 'I can clearly see you winking!' Drax said. 'Dammit,' Rocket said. 'I'm using my left eye?'

A bored Baby Groot was fighting a pair of Orloni. 'I am Groot,' he said angrily, but in a baby voice. 'They were not looking at you funny!' Rocket said. Suddenly the Abilisk appeared in the sky and plummeted towards the platform. 'Well, that's intense,' Rocket said. The Abilisk then reached the ground, and everyone then rushed towards it whilst the Doctor decided to hold back and only use his Dalek weapon to defend Baby Groot, who had managed to turn on the speaker and was just dancing around while everyone else was struggling to kill the monster. The Doctor fired his weapon at the monster, stunning it for a couple of seconds. But it then recovered. Meanwhile Baby Groot was just carelessly dancing around the chaos, as everyone attempted to tell him to get out of the way every time they had a chance. At one point Groot swallowed a fly, but Rocket slapped it out of his mouth. He had a fight with another Orloni, and was almost dragged off the cliff, but the Doctor caught him with the TARDIS. Groot stopped and waited for a moment. 'Yes it's bigger on the inside!' the Doctor said as Groot began dancing around the TARDIS. But then Groot fell out of the TARDIS as the monster pulled it, throwing him back into the chaos. The speaker was then crushed by Drax falling on top of it, which enraged Groot a bit, who started hitting Drax. 

The battle then continued. 'The beast's hide is too thick to be pierced on the outside.' Drax said, 'I must cut through it from the inside!' He then began laughing and ran towards the Abilisk. 'No Drax - wait a minute - DRAX!' Gamora yelled as Drax then jumped straight into the Abilisk's jaws. 'What is he doing?!' Peter panicked. 'He said the skin is too thick to be pierced from the outside, so he..' Gamora began. 'But that doesn't make any sense!' Quill replied. 'It's a tentacled beast, not a TARDIS!' the Doctor added. 'I tried telling him that!' Gamora said. 'The skin is the same level of thickness from the inside as from the outside!' Peter replied. 'Exactly!' the Doctor said. 'I realise that!' Gamora snapped, as Drax was stabbing at the monster's skin from the inside to no avail. 

They noticed a possible weak point. 'Well, he has contributed to an extent.' the Doctor said. 'There's a cut on its neck!' Peter said. 'Rocket, Doctor, get it to look up!' Peter, Rocket and the Doctor then began distracting the beast whilst Gamora attempted to get a clear shot. Gamor then realised her gun was out of ammo, before she pulled out her sword and sliced it from the cut all the way down the front. 'Well, she did stop it with a sword after all.' the Doctor muttered as the monster fell to the ground dead. Drax crawled out of the massive wound. 'Yes!' he cheered. 'I have single handedly vanquished the beast!' He laughed before Baby Groot threw a small stone at his head. 'What?' Drax replied.

The group then walked towards some of the batteries. Out of sight, Rocket took a couple as Quill took off the jetpack and put on his jacket. 'What are they called again?' Drax asked. 'Anulax batteries,' Quill replied. 'Harbulary batteries.' Drax said. 'That's nothing like what I just said.' Quill replied. 'Just to clear up the argument before it starts, Drax, they are definitely called Anulax batteries.' the Doctor said, smirking as he put on his glasses and examined them with his sonic screwdriver. 'Thank you, Doctor.' Quill said 'These are worth thousands of units apiece which is why the Sovereign hired us to protect them. Be careful what you say around these folks as they're easily offended. The cost of transgression is death.' 

The TARDIS later landed at the palace of the Sovereign's leader Ayesha, who was preparing to formally thank the Doctor and the Guardians for their effort. 'We thank you, Guardians, and we thank you, Doctor,' Ayesha began, 'for putting your lives on the line.' She was sat on a golden throne, and like everyone else around her, her skin colour was completely gold. 'We could not risk the lives of our own Sovereign citizens. Every citizen is born exactly as designed by the community. Impeccable both physically and mentally. We control the DNA of our progeny, germinating them in birthing pods.' 'That reminds me of another race I do not want to be reminded of,' the Doctor said. 'We are nothing like Daleks, Doctor,' Ayesha replied. 'We are completely perfect. Out of all races in the universe, they are the most flawed.' The Doctor then shrugged. 'I guess I prefer to make people the old fashioned way.' Peter replied. 'Perhaps someday, you could give me a history lesson, in the archaic ways of our ancestors, for academic purposes.' Ayesha replied. 'I would be honored, yes.' Peter replied, grinning, 'In the name of research, I think that could be pretty, uh...repulsive. I'm not into that kind of casual-' 'Oh please,' Gamora interrupted. 'Your people promised something in exchange for our services. Bring it and we shall be gladly on our way.' Ayesha gestured to the right as two cloaked figures in handcuffs were brought out. One hood was taken off, revealing one figure to be Gamora's adopted sister Nebula, who had blue skin and cybernetic implants. 'Family reunion, yay!' Peter said awkwardly. Then the second hood was taken off, drawing a surprised look on the Doctor's face. It was a woman, who had white skin, blue eyes, and long, frizzy, curly hair. She turned towards the Doctor. 'Hello sweetie,' she said.