In pieces | 2Jae

14, Just in case

Mark and Jackson put their plan to use the very next day. They have a week of a bit more relaxed activities and it won't be until next month that they get really busy again so now is a perfect time. They agreed that Mark would talk to Youngjae since they're roommates and share Youngjae's secret.

And that brings us to this moment. Mark is sitting on his bed waiting for the younger one nervously fiddling with the hem of his shirt. He and Jackson decided on what to say together but despite knowing the words Mark can't stop himself from gulping nervously. God why is he acting like this, it's almost like he is confessing his feelings, not Jaebum's!  

He has no reason to be this nervous. Before Mark can calm himself down Youngjae steps into the room holding Coco in his hands. He's sweet-talking to their dog with a high pitched voice and a wide smile.
"Oh hey hyung", Youngjae raises his head to greet the older but then he turns his attention back to the dog. Gently he puts the white ball of fluff on the floor and immediately she runs to Mark. The American boy can't stop himself from smiling. He picks the dog up from the floor and gives her a few kisses before putting her back down. Coco seems satisfied and turns around, then runs out of the room through the open door. Youngjae yelps in disappointment but then he chuckles and closes the door. Coco likes to spend time in the living room where there are more people, even if she does come to Mark's room at night. Youngjae walks to his bed and gets a charger out. Mark just stares at him as he plugs his phone into the charger, and just when Youngjae's about to plug the charger into the socket, the older one opens his mouth.

"Youngjae can we talk for a sec?" Mark forces out and Youngjae hums in response, still fiddling with his charger. Mark doesn't want to start talking when the other one is not fully listening, so he stays still as he waits for the younger one to be done. Finally, Youngjae has managed to put his phone to charge and he turns around. He raises his eyebrows questioningly and Mark nods towards the younger one's bed. Youngjae feels like someone pours a bucket of ice water on top of him. If Mark wants him to sit down, this is going to be serious. Youngjae obeys and sits down in front of Mark, now a lot more nervous than he was before. He can come up with only one subject that's serious and Mark would want to talk to him about, but to be honest he is not someone Youngjae wants to talk about.

After he fell asleep again in the plane he woke up to Jaebum shaking him up. The both of them knew how closely they had slept but neither was willing to talk about it. They made a silent agreement to never mention it. Even though they acted like nothing happened, Youngjae couldn't shake the memory off. Every time his mind went back to the plane ride, his insides were filled with something warm and bubbly and he had to stop himself from smiling. While the memory was happy and positive, it was also confusing and a little scary. Why had Jaebum changed his behavior like that? Why had he been so accepting when Youngjae snuggled close to him, it wouldn't be the first time he pushes a member off after they try to cuddle him. Not only did he let someone cuddle him, he let Youngjae cuddle him. Not only that but he also fell asleep on Youngjae. So yes, he's confused. For so long it looked like Jaebum couldn't stand his company -which Youngjae understands, everything is his fault after all- but his actions don't go well with this prejudice. Youngjae has thought about "what if it was all part of the act?" but that theory doesn't fit well either. They have been acting ever since they came home and this acting is completely different from what happened on the plane. There is no caressing each other's hair or sleeping on the other one, now there are just forced out smiles and polite words.

If Youngjae is honest with himself, he doesn't know which is worse; treating each other with polite kindness and ignoring each other's existence or being mean, fighting and at least acknowledging each other by avoiding each other. Youngjae likes neither of these options, he'd much rather go back to the way they used to be but he knows that's not possible, he made sure of that with his idiotic behavior. As if sensing that Youngjae is done with his inner monologue, Mark finally brings up whatever it was that he wanted to talk about.
"What do you think Jaebum thinks of you?" Mark asks and just like Youngjae guessed, he wants to talk about the only thing Youngjae himself doesn't want to talk about. Youngjae debates with himself whether to avoid the subject or not, but in the end he decides that's it's better to just head this straight on.
"How would I know that? I mean after I was being a dick for so long I thought he would hate me, but.." Youngjae rails off turning his eyes down to his hands, unsure whether to tell Mark about all the things that have made him confused. However, it turns out that Mark is on the same page as him and there are no explanations needed.
"..but once you saw how he reacted in the airplane you've gotten confused because his behavior doesn't make sense." Youngjae jumps and turns his wide eyes to Mark. The older one is sitting there in front of him, seemingly unfazed.
"How did you.." Youngjae starts and Mark raises the left side of his mouth.
"I saw you two and you're not that hard to figure out", Mark says and Youngjae can feel his ears turning red. He looks away in embarrassment. Shit, they were caught.
"Have you come up with any suggestions as to why Jaebum could've acted the way he did..?" Mark tests the waters carefully. Youngjae looks at him with a confused look. The way Mark asked this question had something weird in it...
"I haven't. Why? Do you know something?" Youngjae straightens himself up on the bed and he sees Mark flinch. Youngjae realizes he hit the jackpot.
"Hyung, what is it?" Youngjae demands and Mark shifts his weight in uncomfort. They are already grazing at the real subject with their fingertips, he won't get any closer than this so it's best to just pull Youngjae right into it. Mark sighs, rubs his temples and then opens his eyes to look at the person eagerly waiting for what he has to say.
"It won't matter how I say this, you will still not believe me so I guess it's best to just blurt it out?" Mark wonders out-loud.
"Okay... Jaebum likes you", Mark slams the truth on the table. Youngjae just sits, not quite understanding what his hyung is trying to tell him. Mark can see the confusion clearly on the other one's face.
"Jaebum. Likes. You. I mean that he really really likes you, and not the way group-member is supposed to like other group-member", Mark spells it out. Finally, Youngjae understands. His eyes widen in disbelief.
"Wait, what!?"
"You heard me", Mark answers calmly. Youngjae shakes his head, what on earth is this man talking about?
"Can you even hear yourself? Do you know how ridiculous you sound? How on earth could Jaebum like me?!" Youngjae is getting annoyed, how could Mark say something like that? Youngjae is annoyed at the older one's ridiculous words but he's also annoyed at himself because the moment he understood Mark's words, something inside him jumped in joy.

"I did say that you wouldn't believe me.. I'm telling you the truth Youngjae-ah. Jaebum got drunk and told Jackson about it! I know for a fact that he wasn't faking it. We were wondering which one of you to tell first, and we dec-" Mark starts explaining when it hits Youngjae.
"Wait! You... you told Jackson that I like Jaebum?" Youngjae whispers voice full of unbelief. Mark opens his mouth ready to answer, but then he closes it just to open it again. This is not how this was supposed to go!
"Listen, I know I said I wouldn't tell anyone, but Jackson came to me saying that-"
"Hyung!" Youngjae interrupts him. "What.. How could you? I don't care about the situation! You promised me you wouldn't tell anyone! You told Jackson? Even when he's Jaebum's roommate?!" Youngjae can't help but feel betrayed. He doesn't want to think about Mark's suggestion so it's easier to cling on to the hurt and betrayal. Mark can feel a bang of regret hit him as he sees tears gathering up in Youngjae's eyes.
"If this matter was about anything else it wouldn't be as bad for you to break your promise, but this?!  How could you tell anyone about this?? You know very well how serious this is, how badly it has fucked me up, that's why the only person I trusted was you! I only trusted you yet you go and tell someone else! I can't believe this!" Youngjae gets up from the bed and without a second glance back, he hurries to the door. A few seconds later he's already wearing his shoes, then he picks up his jacket and slams the door close behind him. He hurries the two stories down from their front door, too agitated to wait for the elevator. If he stayed still someone would most likely try and stop him and that's not something he can allow. Youngjae closes his jacket and pulls the hood up to cover his head. Then he takes out a black mask from the jacket's pocket. This is the jacket he uses when he wants to go outside unnoticed, the black, thick, long jacket is very common and after using it several times outside, Youngjae decided it was easier to just carry his mask with the jacket. Now he's extremely grateful for his old self. He puts his mask on as he gets closer to the entrance, the whole point of running away gets ruined if someone recognizes him.
Once Youngjae is out of their dorm building and has gone on for a little while, he slows his almost running pace into normal walking and allows himself to go through the things that just happened.

He feels betrayed, hurt, confused and angry. He doesn't want to see Mark's face. No matter what, how could the older one tell Jackson? Does he have any idea how hard it was for Youngjae to admit the truth to himself, and then to Mark, does he know how long it took? He's not ready to let anyone else know, yet Mark told his secret to someone without a second thought! Youngjae stops himself before he can accuse Mark any longer. He takes a deep breath. Okay, there is no way Mark didn't think about it twice. He probably thought about it a lot, but that still doesn't make it okay! Youngjae feels like he's someone from a cartoon and there are Devil Youngjae and Angel Youngjae sitting on his shoulders whispering different thing to his ears and arguing with each other. Without paying any attention, Youngjae's legs lead him towards a familiar park. Over the years Youngjae has realized it to be one of the best places to think.

Soon Youngjae's sitting on the swing as his heavy breaths create an echo in the cold night air. He tries to think of a reason as to why Mark would tell his secret, but he can't come up with anything. He has some suggestions, but he pushes them down immediately, none of his ideas are close to being serious enough. Then Youngjae thinks back to his and Mark's conversation.

"Jaebum likes you", Mark's voice echoes in his head and he shakes it but the words don't disappear. Why would Mark say that? How could Jaebum like him? Once again something small and happy jumps inside Youngjae but quickly he pushes the little seed of hope down. There is no way. Just absolutely no way. He's the weird one here, he's the one with feelings that aren't supposed to exist, it's idiotic to think that Jaebum is weird like this too. There is just absolutely no way. Looking at everything Youngjae has done, looking at their interactions, there is no possibility for him to like Youngjae. He doesn't like him, the only reason they're not fighting is to keep up their act. The plane situation might've been confusing, but it alone doesn't prove anything. Jaebum must've tested out how well he can act, he must've tested out his limits or something. That's it. He doesn't like Youngjae. 

But what if..? 

A little voice appears at the back of Youngjae's head and this time he doesn't push it down. He lets the voice stay there as a small barely audible whisper. He doesn't yell 'no' on top of it or tear it down, he lets the voice stay there in the darkness as a tiny spot of light. He doesn't pay any attention to it, he doesn't grow it, he lets it be. He knows that when he's faced with the truth that Jaebum doesn't like him, the light will disappear without a sound, but he lets it stay there, just in case. Just in case the impossible happens. Just in case the whisper has a reason to turn into a real voice. Just in case he'll be able to hear the words clearly. Just in case the voice's words turn into desperate yells. He knows that won't happen but he lets the voice live anyway.
Just in case.