Ironies and Intangibillities

I will never forgive you

-I am done looking for you.

He slowly raised his eyes from the floor and finally looked at me, like he was seeing me for the first time.

Well, i guess he actually was.

- Have you been looking for me?

That question sounded so genuine it made me laugh.

-I have been looking for you since I understood the concept of needing someone so much you can not function normally without them.

He still looked confused so I thought, fuck it. 

- Yes, you dumb fuck, I have been looking for you, EVERYWHERE. Every guy that I have ever spoken to, online, offline, whatever line, there was always a little part of me that wanted him to be you, that was hoping you would suddenly look at me and actually fucking see me.

- I do see you.

- Yes, of course you do! Because you are you! But they were not. 

- I do not understand, you will have to forgive me for this. .

- I will not. I will not forgive you. I can not forgive all this times when i needed you and i was so alone I could feel the room wrapping around me and chocking me.

- But you are fine now. You are strong and...

- I DO NOT WANT TO BE STRONG! I DID NOT WANT TO BE STRONG! I just wanted you, with me, holding my hand and telling me useless comforting shit that i would pretend i do not actually want to hear when in reality it is all i need. 

- I can offer you that now...

- Oh really, i said while laughing dramatically. Comfort me now? When I am strong and independent and I do not need anyone or anything? When I would rather be alone than with anyone? NOW you offer to help me.

- And isnt it better that right now you are so accomplished and...

-I will never forgive. And i do not want you anymore.

- You do not want me, your soulmate, the person you have been looking for all your life.

-No, i dont. I dont want you or anyone or anything. I am sick of looking for you. I wont look for you anymore and if you somehow show up on my way I will make sure to destroy anything that we could ever have.

- Because I am too late? I am too late to love you? Or what cause I swear to god i dont fucking understand.

- Because I needed you that night when the world was falling apart and no one could hear how hard I was screaming in my head and how hard everything was hitting at once. When I was crying so hard I had to use a pillow to cover my screams. When they were telling me I am worthless, a disappointment, a mistake and every other name in the book. That was when i needed you.

- I am sorry I couldnt be there. But you are ok now, you are ok and we can be ok and have the story you always wanted.

-Yeah, I am ok now, and I dont need you anymore. And funny thing, its not like you are at my door right now. You are still somewhere out there doing i dont give a fuck what with I dont give a fuck who. And i hope you are happy with that, because I am done. I dont want you, I dont need you, I am done.

There was a silence that seemed like it lasted forever.

- I will still look for you. And someday we will meet each other. And I hope you will change your mind.

- I really hope we wont meet cause rejecting you wont be nice, but it will be what I will do. I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU.

- Im sorry