Medicine - Sander-Sides

1; It catches up to you.

Its never the fall that kills you, it the landing.

 +Falling is just like flying, except it has a permanent outcome.

Status; Its 8:12 am and I woke up around 6, I'm running on 3 cigarettes and a couple sips of tea. Pardon me if this is the literal example of horrible but it keeps me distracted from reality. Anyways--

{Joan uses they/them pronouns} -Respect it. 

~5 years earlier~

   I never meant to ruin his life, I just wanted to make mine better. He loved me like no other, I was his world and he was mine. He wanted this to be forever, to last forever. But I guess forever didn't exactly last as long as we both liked. He ran from me. He ran and ran and he didn't look back, he never once looked back to check if I was beside him or not.

He came into my life really fast and I liked it, it was like a sudden burst of sunlight from being isolated in the dark for too long. It felt good to finally feel the sun again, he was my sun and I was his dark cold moon. I learned to slowly melt away my troubles with him. He made me happy, I liked spending every second of my time with him, even if it would hurt me in the end.

I told myself before I met him, that I wasn't looking for a relationship and that love could just off itself, but once I felt it, when I really felt completely at home with him, it was like everything around us had disappeared and it was just me and him, just us and I . . . liked it, really I did. I remember the way he smiled at me, he never smiled like that around anyone but me and I remember feeling so proud of that.

   We had been living together for at least 2 and a half years. I used to not believe in the sappy romantic bullshit feelings I saw on TV or in books, I never thought it was possible, ever. But here I am, cooing over someone that I love oh so dearly, a person who I would give my life to without hesitation, a certain someone that knew my limits, my accomplishments and my downfall, but still sees me as a real person. He was my best friend, my partner in crime. 

   I knew I didn't deserve him, the things he would sacrifice for me was something I never quite understood. He never was one to comment on appearances, he didn't like many social situations even though me and him both, were performers. He avoided conversations with really optimistic people and tended to make friends with the quiet theater kids.

Thats how he met me, 

   A shrill from behind me cut me from my thoughts, making the pen in my hand tremble and I sighed with frustration. My therapist told me that I should write down what was on my mind, and at the moment and if not always, my boyfriend was. And I thought it would be nice to get all my thoughts down in one go but everything always gets interrupted. 

   I sighed as I pushed from myself away from my desk, I groggily walked over to the phone, shuffling my feet. I picked it up and held it to my ear, hoping it was just who I was thinking about.

"Hello, Is this Thomas San-ders?" She had trouble pronouncing my last name, which was incredibly surprising but I didn't comment on it, just sighed once more because this was probably one of those sales people calling again. 

"Look, I'm not interested in anything your selling-"

"No, no, sir, This is the Gainesville's Hospital down south, I'm sure you're aware of it." The woman sounded distressed. I immediately back tracked, why was the hospital calling me? Was something wrong?

"Why did you contact me? Is it my brothers, did one of them break something again cause I swear." 

"No, I'm afraid not sir, Are you in relation with Kevin at all? It says here that you both share a living space together." Leo?  He always hated the name Kevin.

"Yes. What about him?" She paused before continuing, 

"H-he's been in a severe wreck on highway 35, there was an explosion." My heart dropped, everything in the room started to spin, but I calmed my nerves, practically reassuring myself that things were okay. 

"Is he. . . is he alright?" I asked, my voice a little hoarse now, I had a bit of struggle not stuttering the whole sentence. Please God if you're up there, 

"He was pronounced dead fifteen minutes ago. His injuries were major. He had internal bleeding in his stomach and head, from the collision of the multiple cars that had hit him. He had three broken bones-" I hung up before she could continue. 

   Maybe if I just stood here . . . then time would stop. If I willed everything in my being for it to stop, It could be a possibility. I could just. . . stop everything like its absolutely nothing. My brain wasn't processing anything its almost like it had just, stopped altogether. It wasn't hitting me yet. It wasn't hitting me yet.

   I stood still. I focused on the quiet but the small chirps of crickets outside. I felt . . . confused. My mind had begun to jumble up, nothing was making sense anymore. Then, like a battered light bulb, It clicked devastatingly slow. 

   He was on his way here. He was gonna come home, and I would reheat dinner for him, and I would ask him how his day had been, and he'd tell me every single exciting detail there was and then, he'd ask me about mine and I would tell him the same thing, every single time, 

Nothing eventful. 

   I could hear my heart beat now, it was flooded in my ears, it was all I could hear, all I could take really. I also could feel my back hit the wall as I stared at my desk, and then I fell. I slid down the wall and went limp. Something was bubbling on my chest and I could feel it getting hotter, rising to my throat. I felt a terrible aching feeling in it, something I was oh so familiar with, but my eyes remained dry. 

   It was a natural response to cry when something had seemingly went wrong, so why wasn't I crying? Why wasn't I letting myself cry? It was like I couldn't feel anything at all. I accepted it though, I wheeled it in. It was hot, and I could feel the warmth numb my entire being. I've never felt so lonely and helpless ever before in my life, I could swear it felt as if I were falling inside my own head, And I couldn't reach anything to pull me out, It was too much.

I wanted out, I needed to get out. 

~