You're All I Have (A FrostIron Fan Fic)

Chapter 30

"Loki! What the hell was that?!" Natasha asked.

"You wanted me to walk in there and talk to him. I did. I can't talk to people when I know that they are broken. You wanted me to tell him the truth. You wanted me to explain to him what happened. Well I did. I went in there and I explained what happened as best as I could without hurting him more than I already have." Loki explained. It was obvious that he was just as upset as Tony was. "I hurt him."

"Loki. You needed to go talk to him. You need to sit next to him, hold his hand, look him in the eyes, and speak from your heart. You haven't been doing that and it shows." Natasha said. 

"Natasha I would love to do that but I can't. Me speaking from my heart isn't a thing that happens. I haven't been able to do that since Frigga passed." Loki said, tears welling in his eyes. 

"Loki... Please." Natasha asked softly. 

Loki sighed and walked back into the room. Tony was sitting in the bed with his eyes closed. Loki went over and stood next to him. 

"Tony... Can we talk?" Loki asked.

Tony opened his eyes and looked at Loki. "I doubt you want to waste your time fixing someone that's broken beyond repair. You can talk but I won't say anything or listen." Tony said, you could tell in his voice he wasn't joking. 

Loki took a deep breath and placed his hand on top of Tony's. "I love you Tony. I really do. But you know me. I mean I'm not a ray of sunshine like normal people, right? I wasn't raised to show emotion and show feeling. I was raised to kill. I learned to let no one in and when they got too close. I have tried my hardest to let what I have learned go but.." Loki paused, there were tears already going down his cheeks. "I can't help it. My default is to hurt people. To hurt you. I have never let that go. I've never even let the first time I hurt you go." Loki began to cry. "I'm so sorry for hurting you. I wish I could stop. I didn't mean to make you try to kill yourself. I didn't want that to happen..." 

Tony opened his eyes slowly. He didn't say anything, Loki had his eyes closed.

"I didn't want our wedding day to go the way it did. I'm sorry it went that way. I'm sorry for everything. I just can't help who I am. I've tried to fix it. I've tried to show people that I am good. I just can't... I won't ever be able to." Loki moved his hand away from Tony's. "I love you so much I can't live with myself knowing I hurt you." Loki quickly stood up and ran out of the room. He didn't know what else to do but run. After he had explained his feelings, how he has been feeling for his entire life he got scared. He ran outside, it was dark and cold but he didn't care. He just wanted to run as far as he could. For some reason this brought back memories of when he was little. When Odin would yell at him he would run away to his secret hiding spot. Nobody but Frigga knew where it was and after he spent an hour in his spot she would come find him and hug him. 

He remembers feeling her hug him, how warm her embrace was. He realized that it was in those times where he didn't feel empty inside. He was so happy with Frigga, then things changed when he left Asgard. He was never the same again. But then he realized that he hasn't felt that warmness since.... his wedding day. 

Loki stopped in his tracks. He thought back to his wedding day. How he was so nervous in the morning that he almost couldn't get out of bed. How he wanted to see Tony at the end of the aisle. How he just felt so at peace. Loki looked around and realized he was standing on a bridge. 

For some reason he felt weird standing there, like part of him felt like Tony. He imagined how life would be like if he weren't around, at least on earth. Or if he never came here at all. Why was he thinking like this again? He hasn't thought this way since his mother died. Since he hit rock bottom. He slowly climbed over the rail without even thinking. He stood on the edge looking at the long drop with tears in his eyes. 

"Loki..." Frigga said. "Listen to me. You deserve much better than this right now. You need to go back to him." 

"I-I can't mom.. I just hurt him in the end. I shouldn't even like him!!" Loki cried. 

"You don't hurt him Loki. He knows what is wrong with you and that you can't help who you are. You decided you loved him when you decided to marry him. You love him and you can't deny that." She said. 

"No. I can't live knowing I hurt him so much he will never be the same again! I need to do what I should have done a long time ago.." Loki took a deep breath. 

"Loki before you do.. Because I can't stop you. Please answer me this." She spoke softly. "If you say you don't love him then why is your heart breaking because you can't be with him?"