Until death do us part, that is what she always told me. I didn't completely understand those words until now. Twenty years after her shameless and expressionless death, I am still here. I am still depressed and feel inclined to do something that I don't want to do. I had made a promise to let her know that I was still here and her being as spiritual as she is, made me feel as if I had something to prove. Please, Dana, I want you to let me grow into something new, because I want to live on with you; her words still echoed in my head like children's bare and humorless screams when something goes wrong.
I didn't want to see her ashes again, I didn't want to dig her up. I was scared. Scared of my own emotions and what I would feel when I saw her again.
She was my human and she became attached, obsessed with me, I don't blame her. She was the reason I had stayed in this painful world when I shouldn't have, because a devil should have no business with a human, right? I believe that I may be the devil and have ice in my veins, but I shouldn't have a cold heart. I owe it to her to try until the very end. Today will be the last time I see her again and it is time that I let go of the pain that it has caused me.
My head pumped with adrenalin and the sound of my own heart beating a mile per minute. I made my way to the yard filled with ominous tension and fear. It was a dark late hour. Clicking my flashlight on, I stumbled on the gravestone that I had been looking for. Here lies Roselin Gray It read. I dug my fingers into the treacherous grave and started to dig deep into the ground. Eventually my fingers felt the cold touch of a container and I stopped, this was the moment. I had wait twenty long years and I felt my emotions start to creak in. Twenty years ago on this day Roselin Gray had her last breath and I couldn't save her. The cancer was the killer and I had watched the life been slowly and mercilessly sucked out of her. I had to block my emotions out or I wouldn't be able to finish. I would break down.
I stucked in another breath of air and picked up the container, marveling it. I removed it from the grave pushing the dirt back into the hole. I didn't dare open it and look inside. The container had a gold seal and a white bottom. I went back to her house and took the ashes with me. I walked down to the garden in her old house and pulled out the arbutus tree seed that was in my pocket and planted it in the garden.
I finally opened the cap and let the ashes springfree amongst dirt around the seed. That was when the tears started to flood down my cheeks and I realised I would get to see it every day. Because she would become that tree and her old house would be my new one because my fear of losing her, was gone.
