I'm not a Goldfish, Mycroft Holmes

Shut Up, Sherlock. We're Friends.

Rolling out of bed she readied herself for the day. She did her hair in a bun and dressed in a white blouse with a black bow, grey pencil skirt, blazer and black pointed pumps, before realizing it was Saturday. She sighed and decided to go see how Sherlock was.

Walking into 221B she paused and blinked for a moment before snorting with laughter. "Sherlock...why are you in a sheet?"
He didn't respond.
"Should I make tea?" She sighed and did anyway. Sherlock got a Skype call and answered, Alice handed him his tea. The person speaking on the laptop was John.
"You realize that this is a tiny bit humiliating?"
"Its okay, I'm fine. Now show me to the stream."
"Who's that in the background?"
"Its just Alice, now the stream." He picked up the laptop and moved to the table.
Alice decided to clean up the kitchen a little, occasionally listening in on the conversation.
"This is a 6, no point in me leaving the flat for anything less than a 7, we agreed. Now go back, show me the grass."
Her phone chimed and she checked the text.
(Are you at Sherlock's? -MH)
(Yes, why? -AJ)
(I'm having some of my men pick him up in a moment, I have case for him. -MH)
(Well in that case, maybe I should tell him to put some clothes on, he's walking around in nothing but a bedsheet. -AJ)
"Who are you texting?" Sherlock asked, turning around.
"I um...Mycroft." She responded shyly.
"You're becoming close to my brother aren't you?"
"Yes-no...yes. Why?"
"Nothing."
"No, Sherlock, what?"
The doorbell rang and Sherlock yelled at it to shut up. Alice sighed, "oh for heavens sake." She went to answer it.
Two men were standing there, they were tall and in expensive suits.
"You must be the two men Mycroft sent, Sherlock is just upstairs."
She led them up, Sherlock turned around.
"His room's through the back. Get him some clothes."
"Who the hell are you?"
"Sorry, Mr Holmes. You're coming with us." He reaches forward to close his laptop. Plummer turns to Alice. "You're welcome to come too, Miss."
"Well that depends, doesn't it? Where are we going?"
"Buckingham Palace."
"Oh, I've always wanted to go there." She looked up at Plummer and smiled, "why not, its Saturday." The second man came back with an outfit for Sherlock to put on but he refused. "Sherlock, put your clothes on."
Again, no.
"God its like dealing with a toddler sometimes."
They left the flat and got into the expensive looking car.

"Wow." Alice exclaimed when she walked through the doors. "This is incredible."
They were shown to a room with two couches, Alice sits in the one across from Sherlock, Plummer puts his clothes on the table. Alice puts her purse down beside her and folds her legs.
"So you and Mycroft-"
"Shut up, Sherlock, we're friends."
"But you do like him."
"Well he's charming, confident, man who knows what he likes, why wouldn't I in return like him." Sherlock made a sour face. "Oh what?"
"You called my brother charming."
"And he is, he's funny too believe it or not, and attractive."
Sherlock pretended to gag, she wanted to throw something at him but that would be disrespectful since they were in Buckingham Palace.
They hear footsteps and turn to face John. He holds out his hands in a 'What the hell?' gesture. Sherlock shrugs disinterestedly and looks away again. Nodding in a resigned way, John walks slowly into the room, then sits down on the sofa beside his friend. He gazes in front of himself for a moment, chewing back a giggle, looks around the room again and then looks at Sherlock, peering closely at his sheet and particularly the section wrapped around his backside. He turns his head away again.
"Are you wearing any pants?"
"No."
"Okay."
He sighs quietly. A moment later Sherlock turns and looks at him just as John also turns to look. Their eyes meet and they promptly burst out laughing. "What is Alice doing here?"
"She's here because my brother wants her to be, he has a crush on her or something."
"Sherlock, shut up." She tries to hide her own smile. "Mycroft does not...fancy me in the way you think he fancies me...we're just friends."
John composes himself before speaking again.
"At Buckingham Palace, fine."
He tries to get himself under control. "Oh, I'm seriously fighting an impulse to steal an ashtray."
Sherlock chuckles again.
"What are we doing here, Sherlock? Seriously, what?"
"I don't know."
"Here to see the Queen?"
At that moment Mycroft walks in from the next room.
"Oh, apparently yes."
John cracks up again and Sherlock promptly joins in. The two of them continue to giggle as Mycroft looks at them in exasperation.
"Just once, can you two behave like grown-ups? Hello Alice, dear."
"Hello Mycroft."
"How are things with your brother? Has he picked a place to go yet?"
"Yes, he chose the RAM."
"Wonderful."
Sherlock cleared this throat, they both turn to look at the younger Holmes before addressing the older.
"I was in the middle of a case, Mycroft."
"What, the hiker and the backfire? I glanced at the police report. Bit obvious, surely?"
"Transparent."
"Time to move on, then."
He bends down and picks up the clothes and shoes from the table, turning to offer them to Sherlock. His brother gazes at them uninterestedly. Mycroft sighs.
"We are in Buckingham Palace, the very heart of the British nation. Sherlock Holmes, put your trousers on." He tells his brother sternly.
"What for?"
"Your client."
Sherlock stood up. "And my client is?" "Illustrious."
They turn to look at the man who has just walked into the room.
"In the extreme."
John and Alice stand up.
"And remaining, I have to inform you, entirely anonymous." He looks across to Mycroft.
"Mycroft."
"Harry."
They move to shake hands. "I must apologize for the state of my little brother."
"A full time occupation I imagine." Sherlock scowls at him.
"And this must be Doctor John Watson, formerly of the Fifth Northumberland Fusiliers."
"Hello, yes." They shake hands.
"My employer is a tremendous fan of your blog."
"Your employer?"
"Particularly enjoyed the one about the aluminium crutch."
"Thank you!"
He looks round at Sherlock, clearing his throat smugly.
"And Mr Holmes the younger. You look taller in your photographs."
"I take the precaution of a good coat and a short friend."
He walks abruptly past John, forcing him to step back, and approaches his brother.
"Mycroft, I don't do anonymous clients. I'm used to mystery at one end of my cases. Both ends is too much work. Good morning."
He starts to walk out of the room but Mycroft steps onto the trailing edge of the sheet behind him. Sherlock's impetus carries him forward while pulling the sheet off his body. He stops and grabs at it before he's completely naked and tries to tug it back around himself.
"This is a matter of national importance. Grow up."
With his back still turned to his brother, Sherlock speaks through gritted teeth. "Get off my sheet!"
"Or what?"
"Or I'll just walk away."
"I'll let you."
"Boys, please. Not here."
"Who. Is. My. Client?"
"Take a look at where you're standing and make a deduction. You are to be engaged by the highest in the land. Now for God's sake,"
He breaks off and glances at the other three in the room, trying to get his anger under control before he turns back to his brother again.
"...put your clothes on!"
Sherlock closes his eyes furiously, then pulls in a sharp breath.
He agreed to dress and the other four had tea and waited. The equerry, Harry turns to Alice.
"I do believe I haven't addressed you yet, your the one Mycroft calls Alice, are you not?"
"Yes, thats me."
"He also tells me your a science teacher."
"Substitute, I'm a substitute, but the head teacher and I are discussing making my position more permanent, we've also discussed having me become the head of the science department."
"And where are you currently stationed?"
"The Kensington Aldridge Academy."
"Does your brother go there as well?"
"No he goes to Kingsbury, its closer to our flat."
"And he's graduating this year?"
"Yes, thats right."
Sherlock came back into the room dressed in a dark suit.
He sat down on the couch with John. Alice was sat in between Mycroft and the equerry. Tea was brought to them, Mycroft starts to pour tea for them. "I'll be mother." He said, following the old-fashioned superstition that only one person in the household, usually the mother of the family should pour the tea, and so any person pouring tea is 'being mother'.
"And there is a whole childhood in a nutshell."
Mycroft glowers at him, then puts down the teapot. The equerry looks at Sherlock.
"My employer has a problem."
"A matter has come to light of an extremely delicate and potentially criminal nature, and in this hour of need, dear brother, your name has arisen."
"Why? You have a police force of sorts, even a marginally Secret Service. Why come to me?"
"People do come to you for help, don't they, Mr Holmes?"
"Not, to date, anyone with a Navy."
"This is a matter of the highest security, and therefore of trust."
"You don't trust your own Secret Service?" John asked.
"Naturally not. They all spy on people for money."
John bites back a smile.
"I do think we have a timetable."
"Yes, of course. Um..." He opens his briefcase, takes out a glossy photograph and hands it to Sherlock.
"What do you know about this woman?"
"Nothing whatsoever."
"Then you should be paying more attention. She's been at the centre of two political scandals in the last year, and recently ended the marriage of a prominent novelist by having an affair with both participants separately."
"You know I don't concern myself with trivia. Who is she?"
"Irene Adler, professionally known as The Woman."
"Professionally?"
"There are many names for what she does. She prefers 'dominatrix.'"
"Dominatrix."
"Don't be alarmed. It's to do with sex."
"Sex doesn't alarm me."
"How would you know?" He smiles snidely at his brother. Alice looks up at Mycroft and smiles a touch into her teacup, she subconsciously moves closer to Mycroft until their thighs touch.
Sherlock raises his head and stares at him.
"She provides, shall we say - recreational scolding for those who enjoy that sort of thing and are prepared to pay for it." He takes more photographs from his briefcase and hands them to Sherlock. "These are all from her website."
Sherlock takes the photographs and leafs through them.
"And I assume this Adler woman has some compromising photographs."
"You're very quick, Mr Holmes."
"Hardly a difficult deduction. Photographs of whom?"
"A person of significance to my employer. We'd prefer not to say any more at this time."
Glaring angrily at him, Sherlock puts the photographs down on the table.
"You can't tell us anything?"
"I can tell you it's a young person."
John drinks from his teacup.
"A young female person."
John's eyes widen. Sherlock smirks.
"How many photographs?"
"A considerable number, apparently."
"Do Miss Adler and this young female person appear in these photographs together?"
"Yes, they do."
"And I assume in a number of compromising scenarios."
"An imaginative range, we are assured."
Without looking round at him, Sherlock realises that John is staring blankly at Mycroft with his teacup still half raised.
"John, you might want to put that cup back in your saucer now."
John quickly does as advised.
"Can you help us, Mr Holmes?"
"How?"
"Will you take the case?"
"What case? Pay her, now and in full. As Miss Adler remarks in her masthead, 'Know when you are beaten.'" He turns and reaches for his coat which is draped on the back of the sofa.
"She doesn't want anything."
Sherlock turns back towards him.
"She got in touch, she informed us that the photographs existed, she indicated that she had no intention to use them to extort either money or favour."
Sherlock begins to seem interested. "Oh, a power play. A power play with the most powerful family in Britain. Now that is a dominatrix. Ooh, this is getting rather fun, isn't it?"
"Sherlock."
"Hmm."
He turns around and reaches for his coat again.
"Where is she?"
"Uh, in London currently. She's staying..."
Not waiting for him to finish, Sherlock picks up his coat, stands and starts to walk away.
"Text me the details. I'll be in touch by the end of the day."
The other four get to their feet.
"Do you really think you'll have news by then?"
"No, I think I'll have the photographs."
"One can only hope you're as good as you seem to think."
Sherlock looks at him sharply.
"I'll need some equipment, of course."
"Anything you require. I'll have it sent to-"
"Can I have a box of matches?" He interrupts his brother to ask the equerry.
"I'm sorry?"
"Or your cigarette lighter. Either will do."
He holds out his hand expectantly.
"I don't smoke."
"No, I know you don't, but your employer does."
After a pause during which John frowns in puzzlement, the equerry reaches into his pocket and takes out a lighter which he hands to Sherlock.
"We have kept a lot of people successfully in the dark about this little fact, Mr Holmes."
"I'm not the Commonwealth."
Taking the lighter and putting it into his trouser pocket, he turns away.
"And that's as modest as he gets. Pleasure to meet you." John says and follows Sherlock as he strolls out of the room.
"Laters!"
John throws an apologetic glance over his shoulder as they leave.
Mycroft turns to Alice. "Well now that's all over and done, how about a tour?"
"Sure, okay, yeah."
He offers his arm and she takes it.

They strolled around Buckingham, talking about things other than the palace itself.
"I do apologize for my brother."
"Oh theres no need to apologize, we've been friends for a long time, I know how he gets."
"Its also come to my attention that you mentioned the possibility of a permanent position."
"Yes that's right."
"Is there anyway I could help?"
"Oh, no, Mycroft, you're already doing enough, with paying my brothers tuition, I couldn't ask for anything more."
Mycroft smiled, "nonsense, its no trouble."
They continued down the hallway.
"Would it be to bold of me to ask you to dinner again? I know its only been a week since our last meeting..."
"Not at all." She keeps him from rambling. "Dinner would be nice."

He leads her to the front of the palace where a car is waiting.
"I'll pick you up at 7."
"Okay." In a bold move she kisses him quickly on the cheek and walks to the car.
"You know, for a government official, you're not very busy." She teased and slipped in the backseat.