Let's Be Real

Un-explainable

To my friend, 

This post isn't because you left. Just having an off night with or without your presence. We both know that neither of us can fix an off night. It just happens and I needed to write it out. 

Love you <3

It's nights like these where I find my chest tight as if something is about to happen. Or is my chest just empty because nothing has? I can't quite explain this feeling I get from time to time. This numbness that aches. This pressure. This loneliness. It's like that weird phenomenon I hear about all the time where a person feels the loneliest in a room full of people. Could someone explain why that happens? 

I find myself questioning things. I wonder why the world is the way it is. When I see the world, I see what could be so beautiful but it isn't because its covered in horrors of the past and present. It's a similar feeling I get when I watch a movie. At the beginning, the main character is happy and clean. Full of life and thriving... but at some point in the story they are drowned in sorrow and blood. You know what they used to look like, but no one else can see it. If only they could. There's nostalgia in living. I hate nostalgia and how it churns my stomach into mush. They worst part about nostalgia is that your the only one who feels it at the time. 

Why do I feel so anxious? Why do I feel this way? Why do I think about things like this? It's so frustrating living in this state of no one understanding you. It's like going through life speaking in a different language than anyone around you. They can see you and hear you, but no matter what, they don't understand. What is it that I want them to understand? 

This book is a cry for help. I feel the urge to share my thoughts but why? So that people can pity me? So that when they hear my soul crying out into words on a book, they reach out to help me? They can't help me. Or fix me. What is there to even fix? You can't fix being human, at least not in this life. 

Part of me wonders if this feeling is the lack of God. I can talk about him. I can believe in him, and I do. But believing and having a relationship is far different. Why can't I ever get myself to take a moment to reach out to him? Perhaps because when I do, it feels like texting someone who's dead. I think I'd be terrified if he ever texted back. Isn't Christianity easier than that? 

Speaking of the dead, my grandfather's birthday is just around the corner. Talk about a fun event. On top of that, Halloween is coming up. So is Thanksgiving and Christmas. Those holidays are so different now. Should I really care this much? 

I'm not sure what the point of this was. I think a big part of it though is feeling alone. I shouldn't be left to my thoughts. We are the generation of entertainment aren't we? It's hard when your friends leave. It's hard when things change. It's hard sitting in three different rooms with over twenty different individuals each knowing that none of them could care less about you. Worst of all, another friend is about to leave. I shouldn't care that much. I shouldn't care at all but he was the one I texted when everyone else was busy, not that we texted a lot. But he made me laugh every Sunday when I needed it. We met after we both lost someone. I think that bonded us in a way. 

I don't want change. I don't know what I want but I don't want this. There's so much more to say. I could go on. But no one's reading this so what's the point? Fifty three parts and no one cares. What a waste of time. Books and stories no one reads. What a waste of time. They aren't worth reading anyways. The funny thing is, I'm not even crying while writing this one because I'm not upset. I'm just numb. Why? I guess that's something I'll have to ask God some day. Until then...

"We're broken people. We're broken people." - Tyler 

-- Anonymous