Conflicted Loyalites

Chapter 8

Draco's POV

'I'm not gay.' The words echoed through my mind even now, days later.

Yes, Potter wasn't gay. I knew that, of course. But hearing him say the words just made me realise how utterly hopeless my crush really was. He doesn't even think I'm hot. I don't really know what I expected, and I doubt the oblivious git knows that I heard, or how much it hurt me.

I blame Pansy honestly. She's been trying to set me up with a guy since I first told her I was gay. I've also told her that I realised I was gay because of Potter, but she swore to secrecy. I trust Pansy enough to not go blabbing my business to the world. Could she have possibly been more obvious though? Then again, Potter is oblivious as fuck. I doubt he'd know I fancied him if I offered him a bouquet of flowers and proclaimed my love.

I felt like a first year with their first crush, falling head over heels for someone and then having rejection thrown into my face. Great. Brilliant start to the year for me.

I somehow, magically, managed to go three days of avoiding Potter.

It's a miracle, really, especially since we now share a dorm. I have been leaving just before he gets up on the morning, returning early before he gets back so that I can feign sleep and prevent him from talking to me.

Bloody Potter, always the cause of my problems.

Couldn't there be just one thing that he wasn't the centre of? Did he just have to be they bane of my existence at every moment? Did he really have to be integrated into every problem that came my way?

Apparently, yes, he did.

It's breaking my heart actually, I'm ignoring him completely, pretending I don't hear him asking me, almost constantly, if I'm "Ok".

No Potter, I'm not ok. Go back to your perfect little friends and leave me to myself, please.

He's breaking my resolve, I won't be able to stay strong when he's right there. He doesn't understand what he's doing to me, his caring about me is driving me crazy. Don't even get me started on the way he runs his hand through his hair when he's nervous. Merlin, he's just so gorgeous.

I can't even begin to describe the hurricane of feelings that he creates within me, all it takes is one look, one genuine fucking smile and I'm lost in his eyes, taken by him. I wish I could be the one to make him smile, make him laugh. Merlin his laugh. It's the best sound in the world.

I despise myself for what I'm doing, how I'm acting towards him. I hate my family and this horrendous thing on my arm. I deserve it of course, no doubt about that, after all I've done I deserve death, a long, slow, torturous death. There is nothing I hate more than me though.

I hate myself the most.

I've started just staring at the Mark on my arm, tracing it with my nails, making the skin go red as I run my nails over it again and again. I can't stand to look at it, but I'm also compelled to.

I push my robe sleeve back down and turn my eyes back towards Hagrid as he goes over the benefits and detriments of unicorn blood on the body.

Blaise and Pansy didn't pick this class, they chose History of Magic instead. Why anyone would willingly pick that class I can't imagine. They've left me alone, sods.

I can feel rage rising within me as I half listen to the hulking oaf. I couldn't care less about Care of Magical Creatures, but it's better this than History of Magic with Professor Binns. I sag backwards against Hagrids hut, letting the fire spread through me then diminish as if it had never existed. I suppose it isn't healthy to push your feelings away, but I've been doing it for so long now that I doubt I'll survive if I let it all break loose.