not your cup of tea (venting)

.it aches to see the artifact.

its better to
talk to someone who genuinely wants to help you
therapists are paid to help you, they're swayed by payment to help you

ill keep denying you and your offer for help
i want to see how far you go, see how long you'll try until you give up on trying to save me.
haha.
im so sorry i dissapoint you.
i shouldve kept my feelings to myself and you wouldve fell for someone who deserved you.

i start laughing when i cant scream as i cry
it feels better to sound like ive lost my mind instead of sounding in pain
because
that would hurt your head
to keep hearing somebody screeching and screaming for help
why
not
laugh
...
it helps me smile when i cry, i said it in my head that if promise to smile for you when i could
i did
it was so fucking painful to not be myself. you would never know how painful it is to try to keep you happy and not worry about me.
you're so much more important, im just the shadow that loves and supports you until i give in.
i sometimes wonder, if you ever felt that way. maybe not. maybe you're too busy sometimes.
gosh i just. miss you where i first started to love you. it still aches and hurts when i see a months old comment of your there, your personality still there, a little dusty but the one thats still there in the you now. its so painful. but ill keep going. until you dont want me anymore
heartbreak is what will kill me. theres nothing left to fight for. why do you think im a fountain of affection and love for you
i want you to know how much i love you
and appreciate your existance in my life
before i dissapear forever.
do you, do you realize how painful it is to hear you having a bad day.
even if its other people, im not there to make your day better or stop it from being bad.
i get that life will be a bitch but i dont want it cursing you out
i dont want you to live my life
i dont want you to feel tears roll down your cheeks against the collected dust and pull it down
ill try to stop hurting myself
but its addicting
ill do anything to cause pain to myself
ruin the body that was already ruined as soon as i was assigned to it
i wonder if you know the feeling of laughing the tears away.
i hope you dont.
i love you.
im so sorry when i give up.
im sorry.
sorry.