not your cup of tea (venting)

cycle

wake up.
go on with your day.
cry yourself to sleep .
repeat.

i always questioned my reality. im so odd, a second ago i could be narcissistic after wearing something nice
the next second
"why do i even try to look pretty? i already know this mirror will shatter from the painful appearance of my face."
i cant see as well anymore.
and
im more tired than usual
i wish i felt better
but thats not going to happen
ill keep going onto this rollercoaster of mood ups and downs
forever
happy a minute, trying to kill myself the next
what do i even want
even if i had everything in the world
there would be something missing
always
never anything
nobody
nothing
can save me from this maze forged by satan's scythe
i wish mom would have let me buy the music box
she doesnt understand
that stopping me from cutting in the month of march wont stop my wish for the suffering to worsen
i would keep hurting myself
if they didnt keep looking at my arms
theres no where else on my body
thats completely out of sight
somebody in my life is going to see it
and they'll laugh
that im so pathetic that there is nobody in the world who will ever be below me.
that ill bully myself
and laugh at myself when i cry
because who will
the silent treatment hurts
any attention
would be enough to make me feel like i exist a bit
dad and mom says that if i cut and the school sees
they'll be jailed for suspected abuse

i dont know what to do
it hurts to breathe
i cant see
i cant walk
and
i cant think properly
im not even here anymore
im so lost
im just so lost
what do i do
if i tell mom and dad that i need help
they have to pay money
dad will start calling me a spoiled brat
mom will tear my sketchbook apart like she did to my brother's.
its so cold
im cold
im always cold
theres no more warmth in these thick blankets
nothing
i dont want to feel pain anymore i want to end it
"you'll pass the pain onto others. its not going to be gone."
at least they'll know im not suffering anymore
mom and dad can sell my things to help pay bills or upgrade their own items
the kid at school
will be happy i finally died in a hole
like they had always told me
to
oh
god

here i go again
laughing while i cry
shaking and trembling and trying to smile
im so messed in the head
why
why
i just want it all to end
can you hear that
voices in my head?
you're getting closer to making that wish come true
the ends coming soon
you'll be at peace again!
:)
the aching pain in my chest is back. it hurts more than ever
please end it all.
please
ill do anything
just
stop
it

you enjoy reading this dont you
you do
i know you do
i know some of you do
laughing mentally at the suffering

tell me that im pathetic
that i shouldnt exist
any longer
i deserve nothing but more of this pain but i want it to end
now
BUT I CANT PULL MYSELF TO DO IT
WHY
I WANT IT
I JUST WANT TO FUCKING FORGET EVERYBODY AND EVERYTHING AND DISSAPEAR FOR GOOD
NO MORE OF ME ON THE INTERNET
I JUST WANT TO BE FUCKING GONE
forever
i dont care where i go after death
i just want it to end
sleep forever
dream knowing its not real.
aha.
but that only a heavenly thought
when i deserve to wander forever in lucifer's labrynth.