I Was Never Not Inlove With You

Time

Maia and I have decided to skip dinner. Grandpa would be having it at the library and both our parents haven't gotten home yet. We only have each other to share the turbulence of our minds ever since we were kids so we did just that. Sitting with our legs crossed while we are resting at each other's backs has become a habit for the two of us. I think that there have already been  hours of silence before I could realize that she has already fallen asleep.

 It's not a surprise for me to find myself lost in thought but I bet it has never been this long, I sought the gleaming studs of my watch, it's already 11:15, what was I thinking letting Maia sleep out here in the middle of the cold night, she had better not get ill. We still have a lot of rhythm to practice and there's only a month left before the finals, she would surely beat herself up hard if she gets ill. I carefully twisted my upper body, I've already learned the technique of catching her back while it slides down slowly across mine. 

I learned to keep a heating pack in my coat for these occasions, to make sure she does not catch a cold, I twisted the metalic disk which signals the consumption of it, and draped the cloth above her. It made me pause to see her sleeping face, I was in awe of how beautifully the peacefulness of her sleep and the shadow of her worry has mixed on the canvass of her face. It is quite funny how we have always known each other as deep as we do. I am 3 years older than her so it's not that magic that happens between twins when they just understand each other and are just always on same page. 

 I just know how much of her fears are starting to eat her up. I definetely feel the same, that even without pawpaw's intervention, this problem just is there and that it just needs to be dealt with, this is the kind of problem we cannot prevent from happening and cannot dodge away from because it keeps up to us with every passing of time. Pawpaw was just there to make us realize that it is already time for this horrendous event that have always been awaiting us. It scares the both of us that even if we can get pass him, we still have to do somethign about it. We're not young anymore, it scares us to think of how much can change, what sacrifices would we be making? It's time to wake up, we cannot hide inside our ice castles anymore. We would be having to devote a lot of our time to many more things, to many more people. A husband for her? A wife for me? Kids? In-laws? A lot will change with our responsibilities. And there are the questions that we never will dare to ask out loud. Would we be giving up on figure skating? Who will be giving up first? Who will be courageous enough to be the one to let go of the other first when it's already time to admit the possible fall out?

 Figure skating might have looked like a hobby we have to other people. But they don't know that our souls have been imbued to it the time we won our first medals. It was never again a hobby to us after that moment that we shared, it was what completed our lives. It might sound like a joke, but ever since we both were young kids, we have already been married, figure skating is our better half. I laugh bitterly, if anybody could read my mind, they might be sickened by how childish the thoughts I am pondering on are- childish at least to their perspectives, there have been people I've encountered like that, who never got to know us and yet have decided it on their own that we are the kind of people one can never reason with, that we never got to shed our childhood days. I never really got mad at the accusation since it has a hint of truth to it, but now it pains me as I ask what I have been doing all these years, why I haven't prepared for a catastrophe like this, it would have not been difficult to foresee since it is a fixed factor to the equation of humanity's silly and predictable existence. Why haven't I opened my eyes earlier? I could have prepared enough to get her out of this pointless confusion. I shake my head, I must not  get deep into getting distracted again, I have to take Maia to her room and so I started lifting her up carefully, I have always been acquainted with her weight since that makes up to a third of our training time. She's the most passionate and hardworking person I know so it's not a surprise nobody could ever wake her up once she starts to doze off, I always made sure to be careful anyway.
Our trip to our rooms cannot help it but take us to pass by the library, it is still very well lit judging from the rays escaping through the door to the dimmed hallways. It made me excited about the idea of getting my thoughts out to pawpaw as soon as I leave Maia in her room. I walked a little faster, making my movements swift as it is gentle. We never closed our rooms when we're not inside it so it was never a problem for me whenever I had to take this sleeping panda in. I was looking forward to how my little chat with him would turn out to be, and in truth, I just really miss him.