FOREVER.

it's complicated.

"You're not allowed to love anybody else but me. You belong to me..." I stroked the side of her face with my hand. She grabbed it and put it around her waist, urging me to pull her closer to me. She placed her hand on my heart and stared at it for a moment, then looked back up at me.

"I can't Xy..." She had so much hurt in her voice. I knew she was fed up with me, but I just couldn't let her go.

"Ru you can't do this. You promised. You fucking promised." I grabbed her arm and pulled her back to me, grabbing her face and planting one last kiss on her lips, but that moment was long lived when she pushed me away again. I watched her eyes well up with tears as she stared at me.
I was a wreck.
Everyone left. My mom disowned me. My father hated his son that turned into him, my brother was brainwashed to think I was a monster, and each side of the family was told I was a threat. My best friend tries to keep his distance away from me, so Ru was the only one left.
Now she's leaving too.
I popped a Xanax to ease the pain, but that can't calm down the fire I have building up inside of me. Only she could.

"I can't do this shit. I have to go-"

"You can't fucking leave. Do you realize what you did when you let me near you? When you let me fall in love with you? You let me be me around you. You let me open up to you. You know things no one else knows. You know shit that this world can't know about me Ru. You can't leave."

"I can't be with a monster like you Xy. I fucking can't."

"Now I'm a monster? Now you can't be with me? You're just as bad as me Ru. You fucking did it too..." My voice cracked while tears fell.

"IT WAS 1 PERSON XY! 1 person that DESERVED IT! All those people Xy... all those families... all those mothers I saw break down... all those mothers I had to lie to! 'I'm so sorry Miss, I'll be here whenever you need me. I know how it feels to lose somebody, and I promise if I find out anything I'll tell you'- I CAN'T FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE XYON! I CAN'T! You tell me you love me and you can't live without me but how do I know I won't end up just like them? How do I know you won't snap on me and..." She covered her face and sobbed. I walked towards her and held her, kissing her forehead, trying to comfort her.

"I already told you I would never hurt you Ru. That's my fucking word. We've been together for 2 years and I've never threatened you-" she pushed me away again and backed up.

"I can't be with you... I'm so sorry... I put it on my life I won't tell anyone, I just want you to stay away from me... please..." her voice was hard as she said those words. I felt my heart fall and break into pieces. A sharp pain pierced my chest, triggering me to break down. I fell to my knees and held her legs. I have finally reached my lowest point.

"You... you can't fucking leave. I need you here. I know there's something wrong with me, but you keep me sane... I can't get help, they'll just throw me away and leave me for dead Ru... I'll do anything you want. Anything to make you stay Ru, please..." my voice was weak. She looked down at me in horror, watching me break down right in front of her. She quickly wiped her tears and moved me off her leg, making her way towards the door.

"I swear to god if you find someone else... I'll kill him... I'll kill anybody that tries to take you away from me Ru I swear to god." I growled through my teeth, watching her open the door. She turned around and looked at me one last time, saying 3 words that echoed through the whole house.

"I hate you." She slammed the door, leaving me alone on the floor.

"But I love you..." I cried, throwing my head into my hands angrily.

She used to love me so unconditionally...

"You don't care about what they say about me?"

"No, because I love you Xy. Can't nobody tell me shit about you. Evidence can be in my face and allat. I would still believe what I believe."

"Everyone thinks I'm a monster..."

She grabbed my face and planted a soft kiss on my lips, then rubbed her nose against mine.

"Even if you were a monster, you're my monster."

I cried even harder as moments replayed over and over in my head.
She hates me.

I'm a fucking monster.