Diary of a Fat Black Girl

Ready or Not - Here I Come

28th April:

I went to church today. I needed to pray for God’s protection and I prayed for Darius’ corrupted soul. I don’t know what changed but something bad must’ve happened in Ghana to make him act like this. I didn’t even want to think what might happen if he found out that I had been out with Tommy yesterday. I didn’t have long to wonder. I got punched in the face and kicked in the ribs for lying to him later on that day. I was so tired. At that point, I wished I was dead.

4th June:

It’s been a month and a few days since I got that beating from Darius. I had to cut Renae and Tommy dead and Natalie’s getting suspicious of my behaviour. I go to gym more than I eat. I keep on fainting and I’m getting so ill. Its half term but I’m not happy. It means I have to spend more time with Darius. I passed the old block today. I saw Tommy and he came out to talk to me.

“Are you happy with Darius?” He asked me with an intense look.

“Erm... of course I am. I love him.” I lied but when I looked into Tommy’s eyes, I know he isn’t buying it. Those eyes have too much knowledge in them. They know.

“I’ve got to go Tommy. See you later.” I told him before running down to my house.

 Darius came over when my mum went off for a night shift. He sat down on the sofa next to me smiling. He kissed me and I cringed.

“I think it’s time.” He told me. I stared at him confused.

“Time for what?” I asked.

“You know what I want Ash.” He replied in an even tone. He started to unbutton the shirt I was wearing.

“Darius I’m not ready for this.” I protested and my hands started to button up my shirt.

He grabbed my hands and held them above my head. I tried to knee him but he had positioned his weight on top of me so I couldn’t move. I was so scared. I was about to be raped. Tears were streaming down my face as I screamed at Darius to stop but he wasn’t listening.

My world came to a halt as this was going on. I stopped struggling but kept on screaming at Darius to stop. One thought was running through my head: if this happens, I’m going to kill myself. I had never counted myself as suicidal until that moment. All of a sudden, I see Tommy running through the room and throwing Darius off of me. He punched Darius and kicked him when he fell on to the floor.

“Get out of this house. Now.” Tommy ordered. Darius probably knew he wouldn’t win the fight and ran to his house.

“Are you okay Ash?” Tommy asked. I put my shirt back on in silence.

Tommy didn’t trust me being alone in my house so he stayed with me. He hugged me as soon as I had put on my shirt and I winced in pain. My ribs still hurt and there was a new bruise forming from Darius punching me in the back.

“Why didn’t you tell anyone about this Ash?” Tommy asked.

“He was going to tell my mum about what I did.” I replied.

“Why don’t you tell her? She won’t be angry with you.” He suggested.

“I don’t want my mum to think that she’s failed me. She is the best mum in the world and I don’t want her to feel like it’s her fault.” I explained. There was silence for a while.

“Tommy how did you even get in here?” I asked.

“Your mum was worried about you when you and Darius broke up so she gave me the spare key and told me to look out for you.” He explained.

Another reason why my mum was amazing.

“We have to tell someone Ash.” He told me.

“I don’t want to think about it for now. I’m just tired.” I replied.

“Do you want me to carry you up to your bedroom?” He offered. I curled up next to him on the sofa and he put his arms around me.

“I’m good right here. Night Tommy.” I told him before closing my eyes and drifting off.

I felt safe in Tommy’s arms and I knew that Darius couldn’t do anything to me. Well at least not yet anyway.