random writings of a past life

the letter

As i sit at home i open a notebook that i just brought to the first blank page and write a letter that will most likely never be read.

Dear Elio,

There are so many things I wish I could tell you when I see you but the words never come out. Firstly, I wish I had never met you that one day way back when at the public swimming pool when I went with my cousin carmen and her family, that day I knew you weren't interested in me at all. I knew you were either really good friends with carmen or you wanted her instead I wasnt too sure at first but I thought that you were just one of those people in life that you only meet once so I thought you were decently cute. Secondly, I wish we had never met a second time in life now i cant remember if it was before or after that one dance that the church I went to held for one holiday or if it was when my boyfriend at the time brought you with him to my house to see me one day. Which ever came first I'm still unsure but I know that maybe the second chance meeting was not supposed to happen because yet again i thought you were mildly cute. The fact that you had stopped back by my house that same day was yet another mistake. There are still so many things that go through my mind like the day I gave you my virginity. That day it self should have never happened because that is the day that feelings for you had started. Those late night phone calls when you lived in Florida should never have been made. The calls between the two of us just made my feelings stronger though I knew better by then. I knew that you werent the one to be faithful to me. I wasnt the prettiest or most attractive person you met but I couldnt help but think maybe one day. The time I took to find you when you were in jail was a bad decision on my behave. I should have just left it alone. Not to mention that time I came to visit from Dallas and you visited my cousins house where I was spending the night when you were dating one of my now ex bestfriends. She still hates my guts to this day. But how was I to really know that you lied to me about being with her. But back to the letters I wrote you in jail. I should have never have told you my dreams and wishes I should have just kept them to myself. The white picket fences and the house I once hoped would be ours was taken so quick away with one of your letters to me. Yes I admit it was my own doing but were we ever really serious with you behind bars and never really having a chance before then. Yes I slept around while you were in jail. I will never deny that but could you honestly tell me that everything you said you felt in jail for me was real or was it because you were in jail and you were "lonely." Was it really only me and your family visiting you or did you have other people you were talking to visit you to??? And if you answered me truthfully now how do I really know its the truth. I wished that the day i called you when you got out that you weren't so bluntly rude to me on the phone. I wished that I hadn't grown to hate you after that. But we were just kids when we met and didn't know what life had in store for us. Who would have known that after everything we had been through and after all the hurting and rage I feel when my sister comes home from work and says she has seen you today I can't help but to ask if you had said anything about me. And when she says not by name but that you ask how the family is doing and if we are ok I want to yell and scream its none of your business and to tell you to stop asking. But mainly I want to say as much as I want to make everyone believe I hate you and wish you would just disappear,  the truth is that I could never bring myself to even think bad thoughts about you and I wish so badly that you would someday understand that even though I want to really hate you I just can't bring myself to do it. And even though we have both moved on from the past I can't help but want to go back and change some things. But since you and I both seem to be in better places now if given the chance I most likely wouldn't.

Wishing you all the best and life and hope you find your true happiness,

You know who.....

When I finish the letter in my heart I just want to rip it out before any one has a chance to see it but decide that maybe if I keep the notebook and just write all the thoughts away maybe one day I can stop thinking of the past and focus on my future.