random writings of a past life

letter 4

Dear Elio,
Do you know how many times I reread these letters that you will never read? I wonder what your response would be. I think about your brother sometimes and how things were with him. When I met him I was actually looking for you. I went out with my sister and cousin one night and and they told !e who he was so I went up to him and asked where you were. He said you were living with your girlfriend at the time and was most likely at home with her. He ended up coming back home with us that night. We talked some about you and everything. He mention he was the one in the background all those times we were on the phone when you lived in Florida. I had hoped that he would tell you that he seen me. I don't think he did. We started our relationship a few weeks later. He was one of the reasons I started doing drugs. Life with him was mainly a big high. He got to possessive. He never laid a hand on me in a bad way or in anyway really. When I asked why he told me his secret that I won't tell the world in this letter but we stayed together mainly because I was hoping in someway it would make you jealous. I front think it worked. Then one day we were having a BBQ at your moms house. You should up and I was in the back yard. I watched as you got out of the car and went inside. He was already in there but when he came out he told me it was you. I wanted to run inside to say hi. I didn't I sat outside like the good girlfriend I was pretending to be. You didn't come to the backyard when you came out you just got in the car and left. Later that day he told me you told him he better treat me right. I didn't really believe him. I hoped you really said that but wouldn't allow myself to believe it. I ended things with him soon after what can I say I got bored. He tried calling me several times but I ignored him. Then about a tear later after I changed my number he somehow got it. He called wanting to hang out but I was sick that day and was already writing you letters while you were in jail. He passed away a few days later. I still regret it. Maybe if I had gone things would be different. I still miss him but I am thinking of getting his name covered out of respect for the new guy in my life. If I did I know you would hate me for it. That's one of the reasons I haven't done it yet.

I hope I can decide soon.

Don't hate me if I do he will still have part of my heart.