Deficiency

            These were troubling times for the isolated village of Eironeia. The scarcity of food was at an all time high. The nearest village was over nine thousand kilometers away. Children were constantly crying, the men and women knew not what to do, and the old folks were not helpful. One old man in particular was not helpful at all. Allen Dunn, a seventy six year old, had the solution to everyone's problem, quite literally in his head.

            Legend has it that, in his youth, Allen was climbing Mount Butcher. He climbed on his own; as was his habit, but one time, he had unexpected company once he reached the top. It took him a few seconds to realize that what he faced was not human. No, it was Tenderloin – the God of beef and steakhouses.

            "Come closer, human," Tenderloin commanded. "Eat this steak while I see into your future. It's medium rare, just the way you like it."

            It could have been fear, the exhaustion from the climb, or a combination of both, for Allen found himself eating that steak like no one was watching. After having finished his food, Allen looked up to the God of beef and steakhouses. Tenderloin said not a word. Instead, he snatched the fork from the table, and stabbed Allen's head with it!

            "There will come a time when food will be more difficult to find than a Muslim terrorist. One man will be able to pull that fork from your head. A steakhouse will then appear from thin air, to feed you and your fellow humans, and that man will have one wish to make."

            Ever since that day, Allen tried, time after time, to pull that fork from his head, if for no other reason than the fact it made him look ridiculous. Other villagers had a crack at it as well, but with no success. The time of starvation was upon the village, and yet Allen's fork remained King Arthur-less.

            The isolated village of Eironeia did not receive many guests, for obvious reasons. Nevertheless, one day, a woman named Thurra Jenner found herself among the starving people. She walked up to a group of men, and greeted them:

            "Hello, villagers of Eironeia. I am new to your village," she said.

            "Hello to you, madam. What brings you here?" One of the men inquired.

            "I am a traveller. I ran out of supplies," she explained, "and your village was near my path, so I stopped by for some food and water."

            The men giggled among themselves, and, as a practical joke, one of them said:

            "You should meet Allen, the old fart with a fork in his head. You pull it out, and we will give you all the supplies you need, for free."

            Allen Dunn was receiving a beating from the village's teenagers; one of many that he has received in recent times, for being useless in their time of need. At the sight of a group of men approaching, he shielded himself, expecting another beating, but was surprised to hear a lady's voice.

            "Old man. These villagers have told me of your tale. Reveal that fork, and I shall try with all my might to pull it out of your head," said Thurra.

            The old man looked at her, and laughed in ridicule.

            "Lady, you are wasting your time," Said Allen, "this fork cannot be pulled out, except with the strength of a man. Your gentle hands would serve a better purpose pulling at other things."

            Not amused with the sexist remark, Thurra replied:

            "Old man, you insult me. I, too, was born a man, but due to my vegan disposition, and fibs told by old men like yourself, I was turned into a woman, so that I might be left alone."

            The group of men who accompanied Thurra was left in shock and disgust. One of them was planning to ask her to spend the night at his home, but was now reconsidering. Little did they know, Thurra would end up being the great, great, great grandmother – or grandfather – of an unimportant person, who would be known to future generations as Caitlyn.

            "Reveal your fork, old man, before I lose my patience," threatened Thurra.

            "Alright, alright!" said Allen, "just as long as you don't reveal yours!"

            He lowered his head, and lo and behold, there was the legendary fork, sticking out of his head, like a pitchfork rooted in a field. The surrounding skin was swollen, and hair had stopped growing around the fork a long time ago. The surrounding skin was dry, for Allen hasn't had a drop of water in days. The surrounding skin looked almost as if begging the tips of the fork to release their lifeless, merciless grip.

            "Step back," said Thurra to the men, who were already far away from her, after learning of her unfortunate past.

            She held the fork with both hands. She pulled.

            At the instance the fork left Allen's head, a whirlwind of barbecue and mushroom sauce appeared, and there he was – Tenderloin, the God of beef and steakhouses.

            "The day has come," said Tenderloin, in a deep, divine voice, "The fork has been pulled, and so, the steakhouse shall appear."

            A similar, saucy whirlwind appeared at the other side of the village, and out of it emerged a steakhouse. The villagers could not believe their eyes, but wasted not a second, and charged towards the heavenly creation.

            "Now, then," continued Tenderloin, "who is he that pulled my fork?"

            Allen Dunn pointed at Thurra Jenner, and, upon noticing Tenderloin's confused expression, told him of Thurra's tale.

            "As a God, I did not know I was capable of feeling repelled. No matter. Young lady, you have one wish to make. Think carefully, and speak your mind."

            Thurra turned around to face the steakhouse, and let out a sigh. She was hoping to pick up some supplies and be on her way, but she was a vegan, and the steakhouse wouldn't do.

            "I wish to have that steakhouse be replaced with a grocery store; one that only sells fruits and vegetables," she said.

            "But, but, but!" said Tenderloin, "Oh, fine! Have it your way!"

            And just as the villagers were at the steakhouse's entrance, it disappeared, and a grocery store appeared in its place. The villages were intensely annoyed, but were too hungry to complain.

            Tenderloin vanished, perhaps back to Mount Butcher, and Thurra Jenner picked up her supplies and was on her way. Allen and villagers ate all the fruits and vegetables that were in never-ending supply. By the time they found out they suffered from Vitamin B12 deficiency, for lack of meat in their diet, it was too late to reverse their condition. The villagers died, one after the other, but not before they could kick the life out of Allen's behind.

The End