KAMIKAZE

Chapter 3-- Unnatural

Sophomore Year

Kennedy is so focused on the math homework that he nearly jumps the next time he hears Neyda speak.

"I heard that Sydney Delaney is a lesbian."

She says the word "lesbian" like she would say the word "penis".

Kennedy winces as everyone else lets out a collective gasp. He looks up from his paper at the shocked faces of his friends, all huddled in one corner of their algebra 2 classroom. The class is working on the homework together the noise in the room controlled but enough to keep their conversation from being heard, the teacher occupied with grading last night's homework at her desk.

"You're kidding, right?" Jamie says, leaning forward on her elbows pinned firmly to her desk.

"No, it's true," Micah chimes in, math homework forgotten, "I saw her kissing another girl on her way to class yesterday."

"Ew!" Jamie shudders.

The way she says it makes Kennedy suddenly feel incredibly flighty. Like he wants to run and never look back. His leg is bouncing, and his grip on his pencil tightens.

He's wearing a mask, and at any time it can slip right off if he isn't careful.

"I know. It was pretty gross," Micah says.

Kennedy glances at him, swallowing hard. He looks back down at his homework, trying not to let the tightness in his chest get to him.

Ghira finally turns in his seat to join the conversation, "What makes people do that, do you think?"

"What, be fags?" Neyda says.

Jamie elbows her.

Neyda gives her a look, "What?"

"Look, as weird as it is, isn't fag like, a slur?" She says.

Kennedy keeps trying to focus on the problem he's trying to solve, but the conversation is scrambling his brain. He keeps feeling like he has to pay attention to keep suspicion off him. But he doesn't want to pay attention. He hates this. He hates the way everyone is talking about gay people. About people like him.

Maybe.

Probably.

I don't know.

"Doesn't matter to me. They're freaks," Neyda says, shrugging. Micah nods.

I am a fucking freak.

Jamie frowns, returning to her homework while the rest of them keep talking about how gay people are so unnatural. They talk about some vulgar shit, shit Kennedy never thought they'd talk about given how they usually avoid "dirty" topics like sex. They keep discussing what they've heard gay sex is like and Kennedy just wishes they'd shut up. He's so tempted to move to another part of the room, but he doesn't want to draw any attention.

He just wants to disappear.

"Hey."

Kennedy looks up. Jamie is looking at him. Kennedy holds his breath.

She gestures down to his paper, "How did you solve number sixteen?"

"Oh," Kennedy says, kind of to himself as he lets out the breath, "It's uh, well, how far have you gotten?"

And Kennedy's finally, gratefully found a distraction. He and Jamie continue to help each other with the homework, ignoring the conversation that eventually dies off as the rest of the group joins in the homework party. He wonders if anyone noticed he was especially quiet during the conversation. Maybe Jamie did and that's why she asked him about the problem? It hadn't seemed like she'd been especially confused by it.