the beautiful and the profound {joshler}

Resfeber

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(n.) the restless race of a traveler's heart before the journey begins; the tangled feeling of fear and excitement before a journey starts.

you never really feel more alive than when you're dying.
tw// pain, hospitals, near death experience, needing to feel alive, light smut/rough sex, crying, depression, emotional numbness.
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You never really feel more alive than when you're dying.

Josh had never considered himself to be dead inside, but now he was slowly losing consciousness he had never felt more alive. His whole face throbbing and swollen, blood coating his teeth as he took short breaths that sent sharp pain slicing up his ribs.

He woke up to a hand in his but he couldn't open his eyes, they felt like they were swollen shut. He heard the telling beeping and smelt the excessive bleach and knew he was in hospital before he could even acknowledge the itching wires or the too tight sheets or the fierce pounding in his bones. Like he was standing next to the speakers at a concert while the band played a song heavily reliant on the kick drum.

He squeezed the hand in his, like a squeaky toy, to see what sound it would make so he could know who was there. But he knew regardless.

"Josh?" They sounded gravely, like they'd just woken from sleep.

Josh tried to speak but he found there was a tube shoved down his throat and he choked around it.

There was a sobbed out cry for help as Josh almost passed out from pain and suffocation before the tube was being eased out of his mouth and soothing hands were rubbing his back and coaxing him to lie back down.

He fell asleep again, but when he woke the hand was still in his and his eyes felt safer to open, so he did.

One was still swollen half shut but the other opened fully, his eyelids sore.

"Josh?" the voice was small and hesitant but brown eyes found bloodshot hazel.

"I'm sorry." The words took immense effort and barely came out but immediately Tyler was hugging him carefully, sobbing into his chest and Josh couldn't stop crying either.

"Josh what were you doing?!" Tyler sounds exasperated, like he can't understand how this is really happening.

Josh stays silent, stops looking in Tyler's direction and Tyler doesn't push it, returning to his seat beside the bed, taking his hand and then waiting. Like the scene will reset and Josh will wake up again and the cycle will repeat as many times as it has to until he'll confess the truth.

When Josh thinks Tyler has fallen asleep he whispers out.

"Just wanted to feel something."

When he's out the hospital Tyler won't leave his side, he practically moves in to Josh's apartment, Dustin wants nothing to do with it he's disappeared to some girls place but her name seems to change every week.

They lay on Josh's bed, it got dark hours ago but neither one moves, lay face to face, legs tangled while Josh lets slow tears fall across his nose and soak into his baby blue bedsheets. Theres only the light of the moon illuminating the room and Josh finds comfort in the blue darkness, in the cool air and his soft bed and the way Tyler is close enough to remind him he's there but still enough that if he wants he can pretend he's alone.