bleeding hearts [h.s]

seven

I had waited up for about an hour. Once a week, Matt and I had a date night, which consisted of me making dinner while he was at work and waiting for him to get home so we could both sit down and talk about our day. Recently, it felt like it was the only time we would actually see each other. Yes, I fell asleep beside him, woke up beside him, hell I even brushed my teeth beside him; but there was something different about simply seeing a person and actually being attentive to them. It wasn't his fault, his new job was far more demanding than we had originally thought. It was nearly nine and Matt was supposed to be off work at seven. Dinner was set and it had begun to get cold, the candles that I had lit were half-way burnt to the stub. I turned my phone in my hands in irritation.

I listened to the clock on the wall strike the hour nine and I stood up from our dining table abruptly. The chair scraped against the floor with an irritating sound. I removed the plates from the table and scrapped the reminisce of mine into the trash before I placed Matt's plate in the microwave. I planned on doing the dishes the next morning. My phone buzzed in the pocket of my jeans; a message from Matt.

"I am so so sorry, Lil! My meeting with some big-name clients is running way over! I'll be home as soon as I can, I love you."

I replied back with a casual, "It's fine, love you too," even though it kind of bugged me that he couldn't have texted me about it sooner. It happens though, and this was the first time it had, usually Matt was really good about telling me those sorts of things. I stuck a note on the microwave with reheating instructions for whenever Matt got home. I blew out the candles and fanned the smoke so that the smoke detector wouldn't go off.

I took a quick shower--probably a little too quick considering I had cut my leg shaving so hastily. It was one of those small nagging ones that hadn't hurt all that much, but it kept bleeding no matter what I did. Once out of the shower, I twisted my hair up in a towel and pulled one of Matt's shirts over my head. I brushed my teeth and brushed out my hair once it was slightly towel dried. It was almost ten, and Matt still wasn't home. I braided my hair, tying the end off. I turned off the lights in our apartment and locked the door. I performed the nightly routine with little to no thought about it.

I was just going through the motions.

I tucked myself in, leaving Matt's side cold and empty. I turned on the television that was held up on a cheap stand from Ikea and watched the news. Depression and tragedy everywhere, and it made me wonder if there was good in the world at all. After a half hour or so, my eyes began to feel heavy so I turned off the television and rolled over and shut my eyes.

I tried to sleep, but my mind was alive with activity. I had not dreamt of Harry in weeks, and it worried me slightly--what if he was gone forever? Was it bad that I missed him, that I missed talking to him; even if it was only in a dream state? His company was refreshing and a much needed escape. Everything about him was so warm and bright, unlike the world that I lived in from day to day. But now he was dormant in my mind somewhere; perhaps for the winter or perhaps forever.

I tried to shake every thought from my head. I did an exercise the Dr. Ryan had taught me a month or two after my surgery. I tensed my toes then released, I tensed my legs and released, and so on and so on until I reached my face. Then I just laid there in silence and enjoyed my relaxed state, until sleep pulled me under.

...

I was still waiting.

The summer air was hot and humid which had not improved my irritation. He was late; very late. He was supposed to be here an hour or so ago, and my butt had started to hurt from sitting on the front step of my house. No text, no call, just me being stood up apparently. The sun was low in the sky but it was still bright out. Dusk and the hum of the cicadas had been driving me insane. I checked the watch on my wrist for what seemed like the hundredth time, before I stood. I brushed off my dress and waited one last minute before I ultimately decided to turn around and go inside.