What is your mind?

The Mind of an Depressed Person

The way I feel, it's like I'm drowning and everyone around me is smiling and doesn't notice my suffering. It's like I'm here but no know sees me. All I want is to be happy. I hear voices, they tell me I'm worthless, they tell me I'm not enough. Some of the voices are in my head but some say it to my face. I'm constantly at war with my mind, I'm always fighting myself and my emotions. When someone asks me are you okay I say yes but I really mean no I want kill myself. When says you just gotta be happy. No I don't just have to be happy, it's okay for me to be sad and need help. It's okay to be broken. And besides you can't break something that is already broken. I cry so much it reminds me it's hard to breath, I fake so many smiles and laughs I don't even know when it's real anymore. People tell me I have so much going for me. But really the only thing going is me and I'm going far away. I'm sad for no reason and I can't stop it. I get so mad so easily. I have the crushing fear someone is either gonna hurt me or leave me, and sometimes even both. I never admit that I'm not okay cause, the one time I am okay everyone thinks I'm not okay and every time I'm nit okay everyone thinks I'm okay. I say no I'm not okay I need help. I try to tell myself everything will be okay but nothing really ever is. I look for a sign or someone to tell me I'm okay. I have scars every where I can see, my heart is broken. I get bullied. My mind never stops thinking about the worst things. I never get a break from this pain. I can escape my life. I'm not suicidal I wouldn't ever kill myself but if there was a way to die and it not being my fault like getting hit my a drunk driver or being pushed off a building I wouldn't stop them.  I try to get better I want to get better but I can't. Nothing ever helps. Talking doesn't, holding it in doesn't. So I do this... I write.