Welcome To The Jungle

Like The Sun, We Were Born To Rise

Getting my act together and calming down after witnessing one of the most heinous acts unfolding was possibly one of the most difficult tasks for me to overcome in my short life. Sure, I may have been exaggerating a tad, but witnessing one of your favourite rockstars shagging some random girl in a totally unexpected fashion can completely throw you off guard.

As I sat keeled over, attempting to get breath back into my aching lungs, Blondie and Ashley decided to make an appearance, fully-clothed this time, thank goodness. I was in no mood to bare witness to their exploits once again. Trying to avert my eyes from their amused gazes and Jon's confused one, I focused on breathing while the girl/lady/tramp spoke up. Upon hearing her voice only one thought came to mind, nails on a motherfucking chalkboard.

"Ashy, I'm so sad we were interrupted! Like, you were doing so well!" and before "Ashy" had time to respond, I couldn't help but jump into her little spiel.

"Bro, I can tell you from firsthand experience that hearing and seeing what you were doing in their brings up images of elephant rape. I mean if you're gonna fake it, might as well make it sound real. I think you both need to reevaluate some life decisions. Whores these days!" As I finished my well-intentioned Dr. Phil moment, Blondie stood there gaping at me like a lost fish. Before I had the chance to insult her stupidity any longer, Ashley took it upon himself to escort her out of the bus and, fingers crossed, out of my life.

As Jonny continued laughing like a strangled hyena, Ashley came back in and abruptly ended my reverie on yummy, tasty, delicious food that I needed to consume or risk the chance of starvation. Alright, so I wasn't close to starving, but I have the appetite of a gorilla and hunger equals food ASAP.

To my surprise Mr. Purdy was nothing but polite as he introduced himself, something that made me almost question his credibility of being a rocker. Almost.

"Hey, I'm Ash, you must be Mara?" He asked as more of a question rather than a statement. No, I'm no Mara, clearly I'm the fucking badass pope.

"Haha, clearly" he replied. Shit, must've said that aloud, but that's what hunger does to you, it fucks you up.

"Yes, this is my little neicey-weicey that I have the immense pleasure of babysitting the entire summer!" Jon added, having overcome his loud-ass laughing fit to respond in a eerily-girly way. Having nothing to say to his statement, I pouted as any other food-deprived child would.

"I love her already! I mean telling off Number Twelve like that! Epic!" Ashley stated, using awkwardly placed hand gestures to add to the effect. Well, I thought they were overly dramatic at least.

"Number Twelve? Are we playing Bingo?" I questioned in all seriousness, and before Jon was able to crumple into yet another fit of laughter, I smacked his arm.

"I want a real answer!"

"Alright, geez! Hungry you equals pain." Before I had the chance to smack him once more for ignoring my question, he responded in a jumble of words.

"Wellasyouknowashleygetsaroundandshewasnumerotwelve"

With a question mark literally plastered on my face, I attempted to make sense of what he had just said.

"Let me get this straight, Asher's the manwhore we all know him to be and this blondie chick was number twelve on his hook-up chart?" I responded, already even more tired from the obvious deductions I had to make regarding Ashley's character.

"Hey! I'm no manwhore! I need love too!" Ashley pouted as I attempted to maintain my composure, which was extremely difficult considering I was feeling loopy from sleep and food-deprivation.

"Sure, sure. Just don't come crying to my when you get the clap or some girl preggo. I'm no doctor." I said, trying to keep a straight face. However, my composure faltered when I didn't get the response I was expecting.

"Don't worry Number Thirteen, no need to get jealous, your time will come." He responded with a sly smirk playing at his lips.

Was this kid, well technically "man", on crack!? With Jon's mouth hanging open in shock, I had to retort back with a kickass comment. Too bad lack of sleep was getting to me, but what the hell.

"Woah, woah! I am a minor, grandpa! No getting near me or I may just have to castrate what little semblance of a penis you still may or may not have left!"

With that statement rendering both Ashley and Jon speechless, I decided it was nap time. Too much excitement and way too many blondes in one day left me tired as hell, and to think, I only had all of summer to look forward to more of this lifestyle. Oh, joy.