Crash

6 ♛

SIX // "not like you would care,"

~•~

I stared at the TV screen that wasn't even turned on, just black. I felt like the whole life has been sucked out of me. After that one faithful text I wasn't myself. I couldn't be myself. It was like it was hunting me. It was my worst nightmare, literally.

I also haven't seen Jason in four days. His iPhone died two days ago, but even so he hasn't made any effort to call my number and see what's up. But it's not like he actually cares.

Standing up from the reclining chair, I aimlessly walked across the foyer and inside the kitchen. Taking a bottle of Vodka that Jason had stashed away in one of the cupboards, I hopped down from the counter and made my way over to the back door. Sliding it open, I stepped outside on the cold, wooden patio barefoot.

It's late fall. In the air you could feel the cold winter winds approaching. Untwisting the bottle, I placed the opening up to my mouth and gripping the bottle by its neck, I leaned my head back, letting the clear liquid trickle down my throat leaving a fire-y pathway after it. Taking four more gulps, I ignored the freezing cold that was surrounding me. On the outside my body was freezing, but on the inside everything was alive as it burned from the strong alcohol.

I was halfway done with the bottle, when somewhere in the distance keys chimed and door slammed shut. I couldn't be bothered to turn around and see what's going on. Frankly I didn't even care if it might be an intruder, looking to rob the place and kill me in the process.

"What the fuck are you doing?" A voice suddenly screamed. A voice that I could recognize even in a room full of people talking over each other.

Yanking the almost empty bottle from my frozen fingers, Jason poured the remains on the dull grass. Looking sadly at the clear liquid, I moved my eyes up his arm to his face and then straightforward.

Lifting me up, he carried me inside, straight to the living room where he proceeded to tuck me inside the warm comforter, "You're freezing," he said as he touched my feet. "What were you thinking?" Grasping my face, he made me look at him. His tone was worried laced but his eyes didn't match it.

Yanking my head out of his grasp, I scooted away from him. Sitting up, I kept the blanket wrapped around me as I leaned forward for the TV remote.

"Nicole?"

Settling on some reality TV show, I sat there as my feet, legs and fingers were blazing as they regained warmth. Placing his hand on my knee, I blankly looked at it, "What, Jason?" I found myself asking.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Someone yelled on the TV, making me remember the same question that Jason yelled when he walked out on the patio.

Looking at him with emotionless eyes and blank stare, I moved my knee to the side, his hand automatically dropping, "Drinking."

"I can see that," he rolled his eyes. "But why the fuck were you barefoot without any coat on or anything? Do you want to die?"

"Wouldn't be so bad," I whispered, shrugging. "Not like you would care," I added even more quietly.

Furrowing his eyebrows, he set up on the bed, "Of course I would care," Lies. Pulling me in for a hug, he rubbed his hand up and down my back. "I love you, baby girl, of course I would care if you died."

♛

Still being held by Jason, my body has gone back to its normal temperature but still from time to time I would shiver as a cold chill ran down my body.

A Disney movie, by Jason's choice, was playing on the TV before us. No matter how hard I tried to concentrate on the movie, I couldn't stop thinking about Jason's hands on me, his body pressed right up to mine and the way he looked at me after he pulled away from me. Tears in his eyes as we both thought the same thing — my death.

Part of me was screaming to forget everything. That everything was just my paranoia, just some stories I created from loneliness. That everything will now and always has been the same, it never changed. That he still loves me and cares about me...

While the other part of me screamed to move away from him. It was a make believe. That he will be gone next morning before I even wake up.

"Are you okay?" Jason whispered, startling me. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I nodded my head. Cracking a small, pathetic smile he pressed a soft kiss to my temple. "I love you," he whispered but never received an answer from me as I yet again blankly looked at the colorful TV screen.

How can one lie so easily? How can they throw around that little word, like it's nothing?

***

oof i wrote this with sad breakup and love confessing audio tracks playing in the background